


the life and times of kevin day

by buvkissteves



Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic, the foxhole court
Genre: Anal Sex, Anxiety Attacks, Drinking, Drug Use, M/M, Rough Sex, Slow Burn, all trigger warnings will be specified at the beginning of each chapter, basically all the kinds of sex, because i love him a lot, seriously this is going to be everything kevin day deserved, soft matt boyd and kevin day
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-12
Updated: 2017-09-20
Packaged: 2018-12-14 11:14:44
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 22
Words: 71,444
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11782002
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/buvkissteves/pseuds/buvkissteves
Summary: "Jesus Christ," Matt threw his hands up angrily. "You're such an asshole. You're too damn afraid to let anyone get close to you, so you-"Kevin broke. He balled his fists up in Matt's shirt, pushing him back against the wall. They were terribly close to each other, their breath mingling, each of them glaring daggers at the other. "I'm not afraid of anything.""Then prove it."this story is about what it means to be kevin day; the break, the fall, how he got back up, how he recovered, and how he fell in love.





	1. the prologue

**Author's Note:**

> of course, i do not own these characters; nora created them, im just drawing on inspiration and extra content. all credit goes to her

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trigger warnings: mentions of abuse, threat of suicide (so a mention), small panic attacks

Kevin Day couldn’t feel his hand.

It was an interesting thing, to be so in pain that your brain has found a way to shut it all off. Interesting because he thought when these kinds of things happened, you screamed in pain, and lost yourself to it. Maybe even, if the victim was lucky, they would black out.

Not Kevin Day.

Kevin wouldn’t describe his life as lucky. He would describe it as a series of events strung together haphazardly, before exploding, bringing him to this particular moment. He was standing in front of room 310, with his hood up, blood soaking through his bandages. He had some on his face too, as Riko had got the best of him, hitting him upside the face with his helmet before he had taken to stomping on his hand.

His hand.

His Exy hand.

Kevin stared at the door number and cradled his hand to his chest, lifting his other one to knock. It was the Winter Banquet for Exy, which meant the occupant of this room, would indeed be there. He counted up until forty seven before it opened, a familiar, angry and rather large man looking at him.

David Wymack was tall and well built, strong shouldered, with tribal tattoos flowing over his arms. His head was shaved and his skin was light brown, nowhere near resembling Kevin’s paler skin that he inherited from his mother.

His mother, who took him away. His mother who wrote a letter to Tetsuji informing him that David Wymack was Kevin’s birth father. Not that David knew.

Not that Kevin would tell him, either. He could only handle one ridiculous problem at a time.

“For fuck’s sake,” David breathed out, taking Kevin in. “Kevin Day?”

“Please,” for what seemed like the millionth time that night, Kevin Day was begging. He was tired of it, this wasn’t who he was, but in the face of torture and humiliation he was uncertain as to what was left of him anymore. Fighting had left his body. He needed safety, protection, and was that not what fathers were for? “Help me.”

“Jesus,” David grabbed Kevin by his hood and hauled him in. He closed the door and locked it, walking over to the window and closing the blinds. Kevin stood where he had been pulled in, looking at David, unable to look down at his hand. He knew it was against his chest, and his good hand was cradling his arm, but he couldn’t bear to look down at it. To see the damage that would haunt him for the rest of his life.

“Thank you.” Kevin mumbled.

“I haven’t done anything.” David told him.

Kevin’s voice sounded apathetic, even to his own ears. “You could have turned me away.”

David turned around and stared at him, looking tired, and angry. David was not a man who was known for smiles and a soft personality; his temper was his trademark, as was never turning away a child who needed him. “What the fuck happened to you?” he asked, walking over. Kevin didn’t flinch. He felt like he should have after what he had just endured, but there was nothing left in him. Whatever happened now, he couldn’t be bothered.

“Riko,”

“Fuck,”

“All that talk,” Kevin explained, swallowing slowly. “All that talk about me and him, and…” he closed his eyes, the feeling in his body slowly coming back to him. His muscles were terribly sore. “He didn’t want me to play anymore.”

“So he broke your fucking hand?” David growled, anger evident in his tone.

Kevin couldn’t open his eyes. “I’d rather be dead,” he whispered.

If it was anyone else, a comment like that would have shaken them. If it was anyone else, silence would have engulfed him. David Wymack was not that kind of person. He was ruthless and kind all at once, and didn’t allow anyone to stay down. Kevin knew as much, he had been following David’s career for a long time. It was easy to trust him, easy to remember why he had chosen David Wymack to run away to.

“Tough luck,” he grunted. “You’re not dying, you’re just a little—”

“I’m broken.”

“You can always fix something broken, kid,” David told him, kindness somewhere beneath the rage he was trying to hide. “Open your eyes. Sit on the bed. You bandaged these terribly.”

Kevin opened his eyes as he was told and walked towards the bed, hearing David type out a message on his phone and thrust it onto the bed. He knelt before Kevin, frowning at the way Kevin was holding his hand to his chest. When David moved forward to grasp it, Kevin finally did flinch away from the potential contact, fear creeping up him.

“Kevin, I can’t help you if you don’t let me.” He snapped.

“I’m sorry,” the words fell out of him immediately from the tone David used. His body began to shake, the anxiety of the trauma he had just faced, the _pleading and the begging and the ‘please, Riko, please stop, please’_ came screaming back at him. “I’ll be good, I’m sorry please—”

“Kevin,” David grabbed Kevin’s face, his big hands warm. Kevin had to remind himself _safe, he’s safe,_ “Relax, I’m not going to hurt you.”

Focusing very hard, Kevin got his head to a safer place, remembering that this was not Riko, this was David Wymack. He was not here to be taken apart, he was here to be put back together. There was a knock at the door and Kevin flinched again, fear making his eyes go wide but David shook his head.

“It’s a friend, a medic,” he promised.

Kevin nodded, watching as David went to go open the door. He immediately missed the warmth that David’s hands had brought him.

A woman was on the other side of it, someone Kevin did not know. She was pretty enough, and from the way she touched David’s hand, and the way he leaned in to speak to her, Kevin knew that this girl was more than a medic to David. He could not stop staring. He wondered if he was supposed to feel something over it—territorial, or anger, but he couldn’t stop to think about it for too long. More importantly was feeling the new found anxiety in his body, the way his shoulders shook. The ache in his hand was coming back slowly, as the shock was beginning to wear off. Besides, David could have whoever he wanted in his life, he didn’t even know Kevin was his son. Kevin had no right to him.

Except now more than ever, he wanted to.

The door shut and the woman came over swiftly, her voice a million times lighter than David’s, who stood right behind her.

“Kevin,” she said softly. “My name is Abby Winfield, I’m going to bandage you up.”

“Are you with the Foxes?”

“Yes,”

Kevin nodded and finally undid his arm from his chest, allowing Abby to touch it. Her fingers were like ghosts, he could barely feel them, but he didn’t have it in him to look at his hand just yet. So he kept his gaze fixed on David’s arm, trying to understand the tattoos that went up and down his darker skin. He hissed lightly in pain when Abby began to remove Kevin’s messy job of patching himself up.

“Kevin,” David grunted. “You should drink some water, you have to be dehydrated from all the crying.”

Kevin, truly astounded, mumbled. “I’ve been crying?”

Something broke over David’s face, but Kevin couldn’t name what the expression was. It was covered up too quickly by the same rage he had seen prior to this moment. “Do you want some water?” he asked again, carefully controlling his tone.

Kevin shrugged. “I don’t care.”

“Well I—”

“David,” Abby interrupted. “We have to get him to a hospital, I’m not sure how much—”

“No,” Kevin yanked his hand up harshly, exclaiming in pain from the motion. He was up suddenly, fear crackling up his spine like electricity. “No, they’ll find me. They’ll know I went and I can’t go back. Please, no,” he backed up against the wall, trapped in his body, in his mind, in his hotel room, in this _world—_

“Kevin, okay, relax,” David spoke over him quickly, his hands out in front of him like he was approaching an animal. “We’re not going to force you to do anything, okay?”

Abby didn’t look like she agreed. “Kevin, your injuries are severe—”

“ _I can’t go back_ ,” he yelped, his voice cracking. “I’ll die instead.” He threatened—it was an empty threat though. He meant nothing to these people, and in the end of it, Kevin taking his own life would just be a release in the face of his pain. What was he supposed to do, if he wasn’t going to play Exy again?

David was severe with his words, “Listen to me Kevin. Abby is going to bandage you up, here, and we’re going to put you on a bus and send you back to where the Foxes are okay? You’re mine now, you’re going to come over to my team.”

Kevin stared at him, shaking his head slowly. “But I…can’t play.”

“You can be assistant coach, or learn to play with your other hand. I don’t give a fuck what you do, but you’re not killing yourself. Do you understand me?”

Kevin swallowed. “No hospitals.” He whispered.

“No hospitals.” David agreed. He motioned for Kevin to come over. “Come on kid, you have blood all over you. Please, let us help.”

Kevin nodded, sitting down on the bed. He swallowed the pain killers Abby gave to him, drank the water David ordered him to drink, and continued to look at his father’s tattoos, the sounds of his own begging ringing in his ears.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope you guys enjoyed it, i teared up a little writing it haha
> 
> so this is how the story will be structured--unseen moments that i was always bummed we never got to see, going throughout the original trilogy and continuing afterwards to how matt and kevin fall in love. so there will be some time jumps; that is how the structure is going to work. 
> 
> please like and comment!  
> xx


	2. sorry

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trigger warning:
> 
> mention of rape, abuse, a scene involving vomiting (lead to by anxiety)

The first time Kevin Day saw Matt Boyd, he threw up.

He was on the court, trying to breathe in and out, trying to remember how it felt to be on a court and be alive. He was laying down on it, the hardness of the court beneath him. His hands were splayed next to him. He was wearing shorts and a t-shirt so that he could feel the court underneath his skin.

There was a buzzing in his head, a million thoughts trying to overpower him. His injured hand ached against the court from the tense way that Kevin was holding it. He was still on some medication for the pain, as it had only happened a few days prior but Kevin needed the pain right now. He needed to heal, but the ache of it made him remember that he was alive.

“I take it you’re Kevin Day,” a voice said.

Kevin opened his eyes and where the sun was supposed to shine, there was a head blocking it. Kevin almost frowned, but he was sidetracked.

The young man standing over him was massive, and not just because Kevin was laying down. He seemed taller than Kevin which so rarely happened, and built like a brick. He was wearing a zipped up hood, but even through it Kevin could see the muscles that outlined his body as the sweater clung to his body. His skin was dark, smooth looking, and his hair black as night. He had kind eyes and a lazy smile on his face.

“Unfortunately,” Kevin mumbled.

The man’s grin stretched. “Matt Boyd.”

“You’re a Fox.”

Matt held out his hand, offering to help Kevin stand. “Unfortunately,” but he didn’t sound like he meant it.

“How did you know I was Kevin?” he stared at Matt’s hand, deciding that he should not be rude right on the get go and decided to grab Matt’s hand.  It was smooth, and warm, and Kevin’s pale, slender hand fit so nicely in Matt’s bigger, darker one. Matt pulled him up easily, like Kevin weighed nothing, and Kevin immediately brought his injured hand back to his chest to keep it safe. Matt was kind enough not to mention it.

“I’d know your face anywhere.” Matt said it with such a brilliant smile, and something stirred in Kevin’s stomach.

“The number two?” Kevin undid his hand from Matt’s and pressed it against his cheek.

“Funny,” Matt clapped his shoulder. “I was under the impression that you were number one.”

“That is not how Riko sees it.”

“Riko is an asshole.” Matt turned Kevin without his consent, walking him towards the locker room.

“You don’t even know him,” Kevin argued back, but without much fight. He wondered why he was blindly following Matt to the locker rooms, or why Matt, someone he had just met was being so kind to him. Kevin was wildly uncomfortable from all the easy physical contact Matt was handing to him, but it was not something he thought he should voice.

“Am I wrong?” Matt asked.

“No,” Kevin sighed, and the admission felt like a complete betrayal. “No, you’re not wrong.”

“Come on,” Matt lead him into the locker rooms, walking over to what Kevin assumed was his locker. “I need to pick up my shirt and then we’ll go back.”

“Back where?” Kevin asked.

“To the dorms, you should meet the rest of the team. You’ve been avoiding us, right?” he grabbed his jersey, that Kevin noticed was torn and slung it over his shoulder. Matt looked over his shoulder, never losing his smile. Kevin was reminded of the sun—this was a man who was probably always bright.

Kevin didn’t feel very well.

“I don’t mean to,” he mumbled, pressing a hand against his stomach. He heard Riko in his head, he felt the beatings he had taken, he remembered seeing Jean, his Jean, on the bed being _taken_ — _‘this does not exist_ , _’ Riko had snarled in Kevin’s ear, ‘only like this is your sexuality relevant. You think you will kiss boys on my court? This is what will happen to you if you do.’_  Kevin remembered the hit, the fall, the way Jean screamed.

Somewhere Matt was talking, but Kevin couldn’t hold back. His head was too loud, with images and words, and the reminder over and over that he told himself in his head; _it’s easier to be heterosexual._ With his good hand moving to cover his mouth he sprinted to the bathroom, nearly falling over as he made for the toilet, vomiting profusely into it. He had barely eaten, so the process was as painful as it was disgusting.

There was a hot hand on his back, making soothing circles against his shirt, but Kevin choked on his words as he begged, “Don’t touch me,” he moaned, tears falling from his eyes. His head was pounding, he couldn’t stop thinking about that night, with Jean, with Riko, the torture. He wanted Matt to stop touching him, but he wanted Matt closer than ever. He wanted to etch every line of Matt’s smile into his memory, and he wanted to never interact with Matt ever again. This was too much, too much for someone he had just met.

“I’m sorry,” Matt murmured, but he didn’t leave. He moved to the side of the wall, sitting with his knees up, waiting for Kevin to finish.

“Why?”  Kevin leaned his head against his arm. “This is not your fault.”

“You’re in pain,” Matt said as explanation.

“You think that makes it worth your time to apologize?” he asked, forcing himself to stand up, willing his legs to stop shaking. He turned on the faucet and splashed his face, before he let himself give up and fall to the ground, slumping against the wall, looking at Matt.

Matt’s eyebrows furrowed in confusion. “You haven’t had many good friends, have you Kevin?”

“I don’t understand,”

“Sometimes people say they’re sorry just to be empathetic.”

“I don’t need your pity.”

“I’m not trying to pity you.”

Kevin didn’t know what to say to that, so he continued to stare at Matt, trying to understand him. He was hopelessly handsome, and Kevin wanted to close his eyes to erase the image Matt’s kind eyes were burning into his brain. He sighed and pressed his forehead against his arms as he curled his knees up to his chest, wrapping his slender arms around them. He wanted to disappear. He didn’t want to be here.

“I don’t know what happened to you man, or how it was over there, but you can have friends here.”

“I don’t know what that word means.”

“It means this,” Matt’s voice was light again, almost a chuckle coming from him. Kevin looked up, resting his chin on his arm. “It means sitting in a stall with someone until they feel better.”

Kevin couldn’t muster up a smile in return. “I have team mates,”

“I try to make it a point to be more than that with people I’ll be playing with.”

Kevin felt a sharp stab in his gut, he almost wanted to throw up again. “I can’t play.”

“Coach said you already started trying to train with your other hand, I have faith in you.”

“You don’t even know me.”

“I know enough about you,” Matt disagreed. “You’re more dedicated than anyone right? Exy is not just a game for the Ravens, or so we’ve heard.”

“I am no longer a Raven.”

“But you feel the same, right? It’s not just a game.”

Kevin nodded slowly. “If I do not have this, I have nothing. I _am_ nothing, without this.” He felt odd, being this vulnerable with someone he had just met, but the combination of the pain in his hand and the way his head was pounding, he truly didn’t have it in him to put up much of a fight to protect his ego. He would build up his shield and his ego later, right now, he told himself it was okay to show a weakness, just this once.

 _‘Stand up, Kevin,_ ’ Riko snapped in his head.

Except until Kevin could manage to play with his other hand, he was not sure that he would find it in him to stand.

“You know, at the end of it Kevin, it’s only a sport.”

“No,” Kevin whispered. “I am just me, Exy is more.”

“I’m going to force you to believe otherwise.”

Kevin finally tipped his mouth into a light smile. “Good luck.”

“Don’t worry Kevin Day, I love a challenge. While you’re busy trying to play with a new hand, I’ll be trying to be your friend.”

“You’re persistent.”

“Yeah well,” Matt shrugged, winking at him. “I’ve been following your career for a while now. We have a legend on the team now.”

Kevin didn’t know what to say, so he hid a tiny smile into his arm and sighed, aching for water, or food, or peace. He felt very outside his body, he was not usually like this—having easy conversation, having to convince himself to get up from the ground. Kevin was good at surviving, at picking himself up, at doing what needed to be done. Matt’s smile made him forget how to move, and also made him remember terrible things. It was a scary line for him to tread, and yet Kevin felt himself enjoying the idea of it all the same.

He wanted to train, he wanted to get better, and he wanted to be a part of this team.

He _would_ be a part of this team.

“Are you sure you want me?” Kevin asked. “I’m demanding of people.”

“So is Coach, believe me.” Matt chuckled getting up. “I’m not afraid of you.” He walked to Kevin and for the second time, offered his hand to help Kevin.

Kevin swallowed and took it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope you guys liked it! i wanted to show a first meeting between kevin and matt, and how the attraction for kevin was always there--but it is very important to me to acknowledge the severe ptsd he is dealing with 
> 
> the next chapter we start with moments from the books, so there will be a time jump. it's another kevin and matt chapter, but you're going to see how andrew has shaped kevin into the hard person we read about who stays an arm's length away from the upperclassmen. 
> 
> i hope you guys liked this chapter, if you did please comment, i loved reading how you all felt about the first chapter. 
> 
> x


	3. strangers

“Do you even remember how to smile?” Matt asked. Kevin glared at him, but Matt only laughed. “Well that’s worth going for. I’m in.” // Kevin pressed his left hand to his gut and twisted in search of Matt. “Get him off me!” Matt didn’t answer but he heard. The next time both teams were up in the first-fourth line, Matt dropped his striker and went after Gorilla. – The Foxhole Court, Nora Sakavic, 2013

* * *

 

 

It wasn’t strange that Kevin was the last to leave the locker rooms after a game. He often took the time to mentally degrade himself, and think of every way he could do better. He demanded a lot from his team, but at the end of it, what mattered to Kevin was how he performed. It was however, a little strange that Matt Boyd had stayed behind, getting dressed slower than the others.

Kevin looked over at him, once they were the last ones in the room. It had been a very long time, since it had been just the two of them. Kevin couldn’t stop looking at him, Matt was shirtless, walking around proudly, tending to his knuckles and running his fingers over his torso, looking for wounds. He was so handsome, it hurt Kevin. Every muscle was sharply defined, his biceps nicely toned. His legs looked strong, but it was Matt’s torso and hips that Kevin could not look away from.

More annoying was the general goodness that Matt had radiate from him, his natural cheeriness, his easy friendliness.

Kevin ached.

“Are you okay?” Kevin asked, swallowing immediately after.

Matt looked up, surprised, like he had forgotten Kevin was there. “Oh, yeah,” he almost gave Kevin a smile. A lot had changed with them, it didn’t shock Kevin that Matt would give him that kind of expression.

“If you’re hurt—”

“I’m not hurt,” Matt assured him.

Irritation crept on Kevin quickly, the unfortunate result of his unrelenting anxiety. “You always interrupt me.”

“It’s fun to make you mad.”

“Don’t say that,” Kevin said quietly. “That’s something Andrew would say.”

Matt frowned and stayed quiet, sitting on the bench. There were a million things Kevin wanted to say to him. He wanted to say he was sorry, for being distant, for being hard, for not taking his place on the team like Matt had offered him and instead fell into line by Andrew. Except, how does one explain that—that he had no choice but to stay by Andrew to stay safe? Even though what he wanted the most was to be free of being someone’s belonging. He went from being Riko’s pet to Andrew’s burden to Wymack’s annoyance. All that, and yet at the beginning of this whole mess, Matt just wanted to be his friend.

Matt was the only one who ever really saw Kevin. 

“Thank you,” Kevin blurted out. “For having my back.”

Matt still wasn’t dressed, but he was still staring at Kevin. “That’s what we do.” He shrugged. “You might have turned out to be a fucking asshole but you’re still my teammate.”

Kevin rubbed a hand over his face, muttering into it bitterly, “You don’t want me on this team. No one does.”

“Why do you think that?”

“I’m a tick to every person here.” Kevin snapped at him. “Don’t think I don’t know how people perceive me. The cripple with an attitude problem,” he looked at his hand for a moment, a knife twisting in his chest as he saw every scar. “A coward with a drinking problem.”

He didn’t mention that he had never had a drink before he had met the Minyards.

He didn’t mention how he had never thought about going to a club before the Minyards.

He didn’t mention that he ended up making out with girls trying to force himself to prefer them over men.

He didn’t mention that he ended up in alleys kissing boys and pretending they were Matt.

“Here’s what I don’t get,” Matt said quietly. “You’re so different here, alone. You're civil, and real. You're the Kevin I met. Then with them, with _Neil,_ it's like you're a totally different person.”

“Neil is an unreliable source,”

“What does that mean?”

“It means he is a fantastic Exy player,” Kevin spat. “But he talks to me and talks _about_ me as though he knows enough about my situation to make an accurate opinion about it.”

“He could say the same about you.”

“He can,” Kevin agreed. “The difference is that I don’t give a fuck about what happened to him. I’m here to train him, not to care about him.”

Matt chuckled under his breath. “You’re such a bullshitter.”

“Excuse you?”

“You care about every person on this team, except maybe Seth,” Matt pointed at him. “You can fool the others, but not me.”

“You don’t know me.”

“I’ve heard that before.”

“What makes you think I care?”

“Because I see the way you look at your team when you think no one sees you. You see potential in Neil, you have this insane faith in Andrew that I don’t understand. If Nicky so much as _trips_ your eyes get wide with worry. I know as a fact you respect Allison and Dan more than anyone.”

Kevin tried not to blush, he was equally angry and embarrassed. Little did Matt know, the person Kevin stared at most was him. “You know,” he snapped angrily, “its not nice to psycho analyze your team mates.”

Matt actually laughed. “Psycho analyze? Kevin, please, anyone could notice. They just choose not to.”

That didn't make Kevin feel better, it just proved his team did not even bother to look his way. “So why do you?”

“I don’t hate you Kevin, no matter how much you annoy me.”

“So then why even bother?” Kevin asked angrily. “Why do you go so out of your way for this team? No one fucking does shit for you, so why do you do it for us?” except what Kevin meant to say was, _for me._ If Kevin needed someone to have his back on the court, Matt was there. A few times when Kevin needed a car ride, for a reason he could not wait for Andrew, Matt never bothered to argue. When Kevin missed some notes from that English course they had together, Matt passed him his notes with a tiny smile.

Matt seemed to understand what Kevin was saying without him saying it. “You’re my friend.”

“Am I?”

Matt grinned that crooked grin that Kevin liked so much. “Alright so maybe friend is a really loose term.” He finally, _finally,_ put on a shirt and walked over to Kevin, sitting by him and patting Kevin on the knee. “You’re real angry.” He said softly.

Kevin pushed his hand away. “Don’t touch me,” he growled, except what he wanted was the opposite. Except he could not handle that, for more reasons than he could name.

“Jesus, Kevin, you know I’m just trying to be—”

“I didn’t ask you to be anything.” Kevin looked down at his shoes, retying them quickly. “I didn’t ask, I didn’t ask you to fucking…” Matt was too close, and too nice, and so sweet, and it pissed Kevin off. These were things he couldn’t have, because he belonged to Andrew, and he had nothing and was no one. He was only good for Exy. 

“What the fuck is wrong with you?” Matt asked tiredly, getting up and moving away. He shook his head, turning around and rounding on Kevin. “Is this about Andrew?”

Kevin glared at him. “What does _that_ mean?”

“I just didn’t know he had you on such a fucking tight leash that you couldn’t even talk to another guy.”

Kevin found it interesting that Matt said _guy_ instead of _person_ but he didn’t mention that. He didn’t want to get ahead of himself, after all, Matt had Dan, and Kevin was not the kind of person to get ahead of himself, or hope a relationship would end just for his benefit.

“Fuck you.” Kevin told him.

“God,” Matt ran his hands through his hair. “You’re so fucking infuriating. I meant what I said, do you even fucking remember what it means to smile?”

Kevin couldn’t help the words that came out of his mouth. “You made me smile,” then when Matt’s expression froze, and Kevin realized what he had said, he quickly added. “You saw me smile, I meant.”

“God, when we first met? Is that the last time?”

“I smile on camera.”

“That’s fake.”

“Would you even know my real smile?”

“You said it yourself,” Matt winked at him. “I made you smile.”

Kevin tried to hide that too, but he couldn’t. A small grin stretched over his lips, a fluttering in his chest that was very familiar. When Matt grinned wider, Kevin mumbled, “Shut up,” but there was no feeling in it and Matt’s eyes were bright.

This could be so easy, the two of them, if Kevin would let it, if life would let it.

If Andrew, would let it.

The Minyard twin walked in, his eyes bored but a smile on his face nonetheless. If Matt thought Kevin’s smiles were fake, Andrew’s smiles were dead. They were sickening for Kevin to look at, just pictures of his mania, from a drug induced state. Kevin knew he needed them, but he could not help but wonder what Andrew Minyard would have been like without trauma. If that was how his smile actually would have been. Kevin wished that his relationship with Andrew was not built on deals and promises, and based instead on respect, loyalty and friendship, but it seemed that he would never be able to have a complete friendship with Andrew.

“Kevin Day and Matt Boyd,” Andrew said, his eyes moving from one to the other. “I thought we talked about this, Kevin.”

Matt glared at Andrew. “He can’t have conversations with his team?”

Andrew’s smile never fell. “He can’t have conversations with _you_.” Kevin’s cheeks heated up at the words—it would be just like Andrew to know more than Kevin gave him credit for, but he could only hope that Andrew would never mention it without Kevin’s consent.

“Because you don’t like me, I assume?”

“You know what they say when you assume.” Andrew wagged his finger at him condescendingly.

Kevin sighed and got up, grabbing his bag. “Matt, shut up,” it was not in a mean way, but a warning. Matt caught his eye, and reached out for Kevin, grabbing his wrist.

This was a dangerous game that Matt had no idea how to play, and one that Kevin was not ready to play.

Andrew’s smile was gone now. “You should ask Nicky what happens when people touch my things.”

Fear shot through Kevin. “Matt let go.” He whispered.

Matt let go, but Kevin was so focused on the way Matt’s fingers glided gently against Kevin’s wrist. It was his bad hand too, and somehow the touch against his scars was the most comforting thing Kevin felt in a long time, even if it was unintentional.

Matt glared at Andrew. “He’s not a thing.” He snapped.

Andrew fondled his arm bands, grinning at Matt. “Kevin knows our deal. Let him walk away Matt, just like Nicky had to do.”

“You’re an asshole.”

“So they say,” Andrew shrugged. “Interestingly, your opinion is of little value to me.”

Kevin couldn’t look at Matt as he left the room, his head down and his heart heavy as he followed Andrew, his hand resting on his wrist where he still felt Matt’s fingertips.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope you liked this chapter! i thought it would be nice to contrast a scene with them acting like complete strangers after playing together, as opposed to when they first met and they acted more like friends. 
> 
> as you can see, kevin has it bad for matt, and his struggle with andrew gets in the way of everything--he respects andrew and cares for him, but feels undervalued greatly. 
> 
> i hope you all enjoyed this chapter, i loved writing it, and reading all your comments have made me smile so much. thank you all x


	4. beanie

He got up and followed Nicky down the hall to Andrew’s suite. He hadn’t been in their room since had come to yell at them for breaking into his things, and they were pretty good about keeping their door shut, so it was weird to step inside again. He spotted Kevin first, curled up on one of the oversized beanbag chairs facing away from the door. Aaron was washing dishes in the kitchen and didn’t look up as they went by. Nicky pointed down the hall and went to sit with Kevin.  – The Foxhole Court, Nora Sakavic, 2013

 

* * *

 

 

“I think you’ve had enough,” Nicky said with a soft smile, coming down to sit next to Kevin.

Kevin looked over at Nicky, who was lower than him only because he had chosen to sit on the floor instead. Nicky had one leg pressed against his chest, his arm thrown over it, tilting his head as he looked at Kevin. Objectively, with anyone who had two eyes, Nicky was very pretty. He was cut nicely because of his athletic build, but his lips were full and his eyes were wide and round. It looked like an artist had drawn him.

Beyond that, Nicky’s soul was as good as Matt’s. Kevin ached always for a deeper understanding of Nicky Hemmick, but he did not have the tools to get him there. Nicky knew what it meant if he disobeyed Andrew, and Kevin was not fool enough to try. Still, friendship with Nicky was something he craved, that emotional bond that people talked about in books. The comradery he read about in his history books, and his novels, he imagined what it would have been like to have that with Nicky.

Kevin put his glass down, setting the vodka aside. “I heard the door open.”

“Neil,” Nicky explained. “Andrew wanted to talk to him. What it is with the two of them, I don’t understand.”

“I don’t care,” Kevin mumbled, curling up tighter against his body. “Andrew and Neil could do what they want, make whatever deal they need to make. It makes no difference to me.”

“I don’t believe you.” Nicky said sadly.

“I don’t care what you believe.”

Nicky sighed and reached for the glass, pulling it further away from Kevin. “You had a rough day today,” he began slowly. “It’s not fair, what Kathy did to you, inviting Riko on her show like that.”

Kevin’s head swam with pain with just the name. He brought his bad hand up to his face and placed it over his tattoo, closing his eyes. His stomach ached, he wanted to vomit, he wanted to sleep, he wanted to die. It was not the first time he had wished to completely disappear, the alcohol made him deal with handling people in the moment, but they made every thought he had so much worse.

“Kev,” Nicky reached out a hand, placing it on Kevin’s hand that was on his face.

Fear shot through Kevin like a bullet, he slapped Nicky’s hand away and moved back, falling over stupidly from the beanbag. His heart was racing, he couldn’t manage to have a coherent thought. The physical contact was a tricky line for Kevin, it was something he wanted, and something he didn’t know how to ask for from the people he respected and loved.

Oh yes, he loved Nicky.

Not in any romantic way, but Nicky, besides Matt was someone who always looked out for Kevin’s well-being. He saw the twins for what they were and chose to help them. He decided immediately to adopt Neil as a friend, and he hoped for a bridge between them and the upperclassmen. Nicky wanted the team to unite. He and Nicky had shared a considerable amount of alone time together when Andrew retreated to his bedroom, but  Kevin was never able to open up to Nicky the way he wanted.

He suspected Nicky knew that he wanted to though, which is why Hemmick never gave up.

“I’m sorry,” Nicky said quickly. “Kevin, hey, it’s just me. I wasn’t trying to hurt you.”

Kevin stared at him, remembering that he was safe, and okay, and this was _Nicky_. Kevin pressed a hand to his chest and remembered how to breathe properly, before allowing Nicky to pull him up and help him get back settled on the chair. Nicky’s hands were careful, his eyes were soft. He forced himself to swallow and allow himself to be touched. This was not harming him, it was _okay_.

Before Nicky pulled away, Kevin gripped him hard. His hands grabbed Nicky around his elbows, keeping their faces at eye level. “Erik is lucky,” Kevin blurted out. He wasn’t sure whether or not he was blushing, he wasn’t sure he cared. He needed another drink, he needed to go to Columbia and find a boy and forget he existed.

Nicky smiled softly. “Thanks Kev,”

“You know,” Kevin mumbled, pulling his legs up against his chest. “You’re the only one allowed to call me that.”

Nicky pulled the other bean bag chair right next to Kevin and smiled, reaching out to Kevin and putting a hand on his knee. “I consider it an honor.”

“You should,” he mumbled, smiling stupidly.

Nicky smiled back. He tapped Kevin’s knee with two of his fingers. “Kev, talk to me. What happened must have completely fucked you.”

Kevin didn’t want to talk about Riko, he wanted to be angry, not self-pitying. “Neil stood up to him.” That bothered him more than anything else. That he, Kevin  Day, could not stand up for himself when one of the first things that he was taught as a Raven was to pick himself up when he fell down.

“Neil doesn’t know him,”

“Do you think I’m a coward?”

“No,” Nicky’s answer was quick and fierce. “No Kevin, you’re so far from that.”

“I don’t think so.” Another thing about alcohol—it lowered Kevin’s anxieties for certain things. That was not usually terrible in Kevin’s perspective. It just made him able to get what he wanted—a boy to kiss, his thoughts somewhere far away from him. it also made him say exactly what he was thinking, whether it was good or bad.

“Well you’re drunk, what do you know?”

“I know enough,” he closed his eyes and sighed, trying to get rid of the image of Riko that was behind his eyes. “Neil thinks it’s so easy to just stand up and say as he wants, but it is not the case.”

“Neil just has a mouth,” Nicky grinned. “He was protecting you.”

Kevin didn’t believe that, not really. He and Neil weren’t close; so either Neil cared about him as much as Nicky thought, or Neil’s anger just had a mind of its own and he wanted to mouth off when he shouldn’t have. “This is going to come back to us, Nick,” he slurred. He never called Nicky, ‘Nick’, but Nicky didn’t mention it. He actually smiled a little. “Riko won’t let this end without his own terms.”

“Is he really that smart?”

Kevin nodded sadly. “He’s going to come for me, for all of us. It’ll kill me.”

“You’re not going to die. Andrew won’t let you.”

“Yeah,” Kevin snapped bitterly. “Andrew does not let up on his promises and obligations, that much is true.”

“You’re not an obligation man.”

Kevin stared at him. “Why are you so nice to me?” he mumbled, the alcohol his excuse for saying how he felt. Kevin sober was someone else entirely. Anything could happen now and he wouldn’t care, he would drink more and be done with it.

“Why wouldn’t I be?”

“I’m never nice to you.”

Nicky shrugged. “You just get irritated easily, that’s okay.”

“S’not,” he mumbled. “I don’t even apologize.”

“Well, we can say this is your apology.”

“I’m drunk.”

“Hey,” Nicky chuckled. “Kevin, don’t worry about it okay? We’re Foxes, we’ve fucked up with each other more times than we could count. I’ve been an asshole too.”

“That’s hard to believe.”

“People aren’t inherently good or bad man. I’m sure you and Riko had some good times before he became a fucking asshole.”

Kevin snorted. “That was a long time ago.”

“You don’t need him, not his approval, not his team, none of it. You’re better than him, we all know that.”

Kevin shook his head, pressing his injured hand to his chest. There were a thousand reasons as to why that sentence was not true, but all Kevin could say was, “I’m not good enough,”

“Not yet maybe. But you’re Kevin freaking Day! You’ll end up being the best, you’re already better than the rest of us.” he grinned, getting up. He leaned down and kissed Kevin on the forehead, leaving him completely astounded. “Goodnight Kev.”

“Night,” Kevin mumbled. He watched Nicky walk away and frowned, hearing his phone buzz. He fished it out of his pocket and glanced at it.

 _Matt Boyd:_ You okay?

 _Kevin:_ I’m fine

 _Matt Boyd:_ What is it with you guys and that word? Get creative

 _Kevin:_ I’m just tired

 _Matt Boyd:_ Alright, get some rest kid.

 _Kevin:_ Why did you message me?

 _Matt Boyd:_ You had a rough day man. Just wanted to make sure you were okay. Don’t let Andrew kick you when you’re down too.

 _Kevin:_ Andrew gave me a bottle of vodka to drink, he did his job

 _Matt Boyd:_ Well whenever you need something else other than that, you have me and Dan. Don’t forget you have a whole team.

Kevin stared at those words, ‘me and Dan’ and frowned at them. He wanted to go to out with the twins, Neil and Nicky. He wanted to go dancing and forget himself in the shitty music that he fucking hated. He wanted to find a boy and pretend Andrew didn’t notice him leave and pretend that it was just for one night.

He wanted to forget Riko existed. He wanted to forget the ache in his chest every time he saw Matt. He wanted to be better than this person he was, right now, in this moment.

Kevin didn’t respond. He put his phone away and slid down in the beanie bag chair, letting the alcohol take him under into sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope you guys liked this kevin and nicky centric chapter! i was always bitter that they never got a real friendship, i think it would develop really nicely. nicky would care about him a great deal
> 
> next chapter we start from the second book! please keep commenting im smiling so much because of it!


	5. gods

Allison stayed out of the celebration by dozing up front with Abby. The other upperclassmen moved to the middle of the bus o they could discuss the game with Andrew’s group. As soon as they did Andrew went up front. –The Raven King, Nora Sakavic, 2013

 

* * *

 

 

The moment the upperclassmen moved towards the middle of the bus, Andrew moved faster than Kevin had ever seen him move on the court. Kevin knew so long as they stayed there, Andrew would stay in the front and likely sleep until they arrived back at their university. Their win left the team on a high, but Kevin, being Kevin had found everything they did wrong and was telling them. He knew they thought it was because he thought they were all shitty at the game, but the reality of it was he _wanted_ to see his team succeed.

Matt had slid into the seat next to Kevin, while Dan and Renee took the one next to them—Nicky in front, leaning over the seat while Neil looked around the side, Aaron only half paying attention from the seat next to them, one headphone hanging from his ear.

They had silenced Kevin’s criticism easily, and he was in a good enough mood that he granted them this silence. He listened to what they had to say, even cracking a grin when Nicky and Matt shared a joke. Kevin gripped his bag tighter, unzipping it to look for his water bottle. Bringing it out he let it sit on his legs, his book _The Iliad_ peeking out from it.

Dan reached over, smiling lightly at him, holding her fist out. “You worked really well with all of us today.”

“I always work well.”  Kevin stared at her fist.

Dan rolled her eyes but kept her smile. Kevin flicked his eyes to Matt, and there was an expression on Matt’s face that didn’t sit with Kevin. It was almost something like hope, but not quite that. Something that suggested Matt wanted Kevin to close that distance, be Dan’s friend.

He knew Matt well enough to know that he was like Nicky, they wanted the team to actually _be_ a team. That was what Dan was saying to him, that he was not just an Exy player today—today he had been a team player. Kevin always assumed that he was, because to win a sport, it required you to work as a team, but perhaps his antagonism got in the way.

So, in an effort to continue with good sportsmanship, he held out his fist and bumped knuckles with Dan, handing her a very small grin. It was rare that he offered those out at all, he barely handed them to Neil even when he did good, but being around Matt in this proximity made Kevin _light_. She gave him a brilliant smile, and Kevin in that moment, very much saw why Matt was interested in her. Kevin so rarely thought of the women on his team in any sexual way, he had slipped up in Allison’s case, twice, but never with Renee or Dan. When Dan cast him that smile though, he saw just how pretty she actually was. Kevin was just so used to seeing her pissed off. Then, he realized with a sad flip of his stomach, that maybe it was just around he and his part of the team that she had that expression.

“Hey Kevin,” Nicky called from where he sat. He leaned over, winking at Matt and showing Kevin a picture. “You would look good in this.”

Kevin stared at a picture of someone who looked vaguely familiar “Who’s—”

Matt let out a booming laugh, taking Nicky’s phone. Kevin felt that laugh all over his body. He watched as Matt moved to Dan and Renee. “It’s Edward Cullen,”

“Who?” Kevin tried to snatch the phone back, but Matt’s large hand grabbed Kevin’s slim wrists and kept him pinned. Kevin frowned at him but Matt didn’t notice.

Dan laughed and Renee smiled. Renee’s soft voice was not making fun of Kevin, but she sounded as though she agreed with Nicky. “That is a nice outfit, the coat in particular would make you look dashing, Kevin.”

Kevin frowned at them. “Why would I dress up as a vampire?”

Nicky took his phone and waved it around, and Matt finally let go of Kevin’s wrists grinning at him. “Halloween is right around the corner,” Nicky told him. “It’s serious business.”

“I’m not dressing up as a vampire.” Kevin told him.

Matt chuckled, and took out his own phone, pulling up the search engine. “Come on Kevin,” he grinned, patting him on his thigh. Kevin swallowed, watching Matt type in _twilight_ , and showed him the pictures. “See, they’re good looking.”

“They all look pissed off.”

“Well then there you go,” Matt nudged their shoulders together. “You’ll fit right in.”

Dan was leaning forward, tapping on one of the photos. “You have that smoldering look,” she agreed.

Kevin rolled his eyes and pushed the phone away. “I’m not doing that.”

“Poor sport,” Matt teased.

“Really?” Kevin snapped. “What will you be then?”

Matt grinned and looked down at Kevin’s lap where his bag was, quickly grabbing the book that was peeking out. Kevin made to grab for it, self-consciousness nagging at him. He had been teased relentlessly about his love for history when he had joined the Foxes, and had taken to enjoying history in the confinements of his bedroom, his books crowded underneath his bed. He dearly missed his books back at the nest of the Ravens, but never would he ask for those back.

“I’ll be a Greek God,” Matt decided, flipping through it. He narrowed his eyes at one of the words. “I’ll be Achilles.”

Nicky appraised him. “You’re definitely hot enough to be a Greek God.”

Dan bumped knuckles with Nicky in agreement, and then moved towards Neil, crowding his bench to talk a little more about Exy. Kevin almost joined them, but Matt was still looking through his book, and if there was something he loved just as much as Exy, it was history. Even though some people argued that Achilles was not real, it was Kevin’s favorite story.

“You couldn’t be Achilles,” he said quietly, testing the waters of this conversation. It had been a very long time that he had spoken about history.

“Why’s that?”

“Achilles was angry,” he couldn’t help himself, the words came out of him quickly. “The story of the Iliad isn’t about Troy—it’s about the wrath of Achilles. Historians kind of beat around the bush, but Achilles was gay, or bisexual, depending on how you look at the stories, he was…” Kevin choked on his words. “He was in love with his comrade Patroclus. When Patroclus died for him, Achilles took the battle, his wrath killed Hector.”

Matt listened until the end. It was the first time Kevin told a story about history without anyone telling him to shut up. That was a feeling that Kevin greatly enjoyed, it was a pleasant heat pooling in his stomach.

Matt even asked, “So he likes boys, that doesn’t mean I can’t be him.”

“No,” Kevin murmured, and he touched the page, his index finger touching Matt’s and from it he felt his whole body tingle. “But Achilles was angry,” he said again. “You’re not an angry person. It doesn’t fit.”

Renee, who Kevin had no idea was listening, said kindly, “Some people compare others to Hogwarts houses,” she said with a smile—Kevin liked Renee very much, but he often had a feeling that she was like Andrew in which she saw more than anyone told her. He swallowed and took his hand away from Matt’s. “What Greek Gods would you say we were?”

“Well Achilles wasn’t a God—”

Aaron stared at them. “Fuck, this again?” he mumbled. “I thought we were done listening to History lessons.”

Kevin’s heart sank and he slipped the book out of Matt’s hands, putting it back inside his backpack. Renee said something to Aaron in reproach, but Neil didn’t see the problem with Aaron’s words. Neil had already voiced how boring he thought Kevin’s interest was, he didn’t need to look at Neil again to hear it twice.

Dan chuckled. “I never understood the fascination.” She agreed. “Nicky, Neil, I had a play in mind—”

Putting his embarrassment away, Kevin opened his mouth to ask about the play, but Matt shook his head, pushing Kevin back into the seat with his hand on Kevin’s chest. Kevin felt the heat of Matt’s hand through his thin shirt and wanted to take that feeling and keep it there.

“Come on,” Matt said, “What God am I?”

Kevin glared at him. “Don’t mock me.”

“I’m not,” he said seriously. “Renee wants to know too, don’t you Renee?”

Renee’s sweet smile made Kevin feel a little better, and she switched places with Neil and Dan, leaning over the seat to look down at Kevin and Matt. “Tell us,”

Kevin mourned the loss of Matt’s hand that slipped away. He patted his book tenderly and looked down at it as he spoke, feeling wholly flustered about the whole thing. About being asked questions about something else he was passionate about, about talking about it, still feeling the heat of Aaron’s words, and Neil’s and Dan’s disinterest.

“You’re not a God,” Kevin said softly. “You’re one of the Heroes. Your personality doesn’t really match the Gods.”

“Alright, who am I then?”

“Hector,” Kevin said without a thought. Partially because he had thought about this already in depth. Well, in his fantasies he might have been like Achilles and Matt his Patroclus, but Kevin always found his actual personality matched the hero Hector. “You’re Hector of Troy. He disapproved of the war, but he was the best fighter of them all. He was kind, and good, better than anyone gave him credit for, even though Achilles is my favorite.”

“Cool,” Matt said. Kevin searched his eyes for some kind of lie, like he didn’t think it was cool, but couldn’t find anything.

Renee said, “What about me?”

“Demeter, the goddess,” Kevin answered immediately. “She presides over sacred law, and the cycle of life and death.”

“Morbid buddy,” Matt laughed.

“She’s actually a very interesting goddess,” Kevin continued, his excitement coming back. “People don’t think about her a lot these days but she was who they prayed to for a good harvest and healthy agricultural system.” He swallowed, and went in his bag for some water again, drinking it quickly. He wasn’t used to this, being asked questions about something other than Exy.

“Who are you then?” Matt asked, tapping his knuckles on Kevin’s book. “Achilles?”

“No,” he almost laughed. “I would never kill you.” He wanted to take those words back when Matt’s eyes softened and quickly added, “Apollo though, maybe.” He mumbled.

Matt snapped his fingers. “Okay,” he looked up at Renee, pointing at her. “I know enough about Greek myths to know that Apollo is the pretty one right?”

Kevin rubbed his face. “Manly beauty,” he muttered. “Yeah, arts, music, poetry, healing.”

Renee tilted her head. “You do often look out for people’s health.” Kevin didn’t know what to say to that, if he was supposed to thank her or agree, so he just shrugged lamely.

“Do you like art?” Matt asked.

Kevin shrugged again. “Music. Classical music.”

“I didn’t know that,”

Kevin’s voice was monotone. “You don’t know a lot of things. Apollo could be cruel and destructive.”

“Good thing you don’t have any mythological powers then, right?” Matt elbowed him playfully, trying to get him to smile again. “Maybe we should all go as Greek gods for Halloween,” he grinned at Renee, who slipped back down in her seat and then took Kevin’s book again. “Can I?”

“Can you what?”

“Can I read for a bit?”

“Oh,” Kevin nodded. “Sure.” He took out his IPod and hesitated before he held one out for Matt. “I’m going to try and sleep,” he hated being this uncertain about everything he wanted to say or do. “I don’t know if you like Baroque but…”

“Maybe it’ll fit the theme,” Matt waved the book and took the earbud. “Thanks.” He put it in his ear and opened to the first page, smoothing his hands over it.

Kevin closed his eyes, and vowed never to lose that book.

 

* * *

 

“Kev,” Nicky shook Kevin awake.

Kevin opened his eyes, feeling groggy, and uncomfortable. “Nick?” he mumbled, pressing his hand to his eye.

“Kevin,” Nicky whispered hurriedly. “Wake up, we’re almost there.”

Kevin rubbed his neck, blush heating his cheeks upon the realization that his head had been laying on Matt’s shoulder. Nicky didn’t mention a word about it, but his eyes were somewhere else.

“I’d put that away,” Nicky said. “Before Andrew asks questions.”

Kevin frowned and looked down, realization dawning on him when he had a tent in his pants—it wasn’t a complete erection, but it was halfway there, and Kevin was more than aware as to what had led him to that. He swallowed and muttered an embarrassed thank you under his breath, but couldn’t look Nicky in the eyes. He did however, thank every god that existed that Nicky had actually told him because he was looking out for him. Matt was asleep, his head against the back of the seat—Nicky was doing this for Kevin’s benefit. He pushed his bag down harder on him, swearing under his breath from the friction for a moment.

“Matt, babe,” Dan reached over from her seat and shook his shoulder lightly.   
Matt woke up easier than Kevin, yawning as he did so, doing his best to stretch in the bed. He grinned at Kevin, stretching his arm out, putting a hand on Kevin’s face. Kevin grinned underneath the touch, but hid it quickly with a frown before anyone could see and pushed Matt’s hand away while Matt laughed.

“Look,” Dan said, smoothly coming over on Matt’s lap. She stretched herself out so one leg was on Kevin and Kevin liked Dan so much that he didn’t mind.

It was a very strange thing, to have feelings for someone, but respect their girlfriend anyhow. Never once would he wish for them to break up, because they made each other so much better. After all, what Kevin wanted was Matt to be happy.

That realization hit him in the gut every time he thought about it; how much this wasn’t just about Matt’s physical appearance, no matter how handsome he was. Matt always meant something a little more to Kevin, right from the get go.

“What?” Kevin and Matt asked at the same time.

Dan showed them a picture on her phone, of Kevin and Matt sleeping, Kevin with his head on Matt’s shoulder and Matt with his head on Kevin’s, the Iliad open on Matt’s lap with the headphones having fallen out of their ears. Kevin even had a little smile on his face.

Dan looked at it fondly. “I think we’ll put that up in the lounge, what do you guys think?”

Kevin didn’t say anything but Matt agreed swiftly. “Who knew Kevin Day had a soft side?”

Kevin rolled his eyes, “Oh, shut up.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope you all enjoyed this chapter! i wanted to make it light, because the next two chapters are a little heavier--kevin finally gets some action next chapter, but youll see why 
> 
> we have three more chapters in "the raven king" timeline before we move onto the kings men and then onto what i believe would happen after. for the sake of the story, thea wont ever be mentioned, but for what its worth my hc is that shes a happy lesbian 
> 
> thank you so much for all the comments, this is so much fun to write, in all honesty. keep the comments coming please, they have been making my day! xx


	6. halloween

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trigger warning: 
> 
> dubious consent (under the influence of alcohol); PTSD, flashbacks, mention of rape.

It’d be hard to spot his teammates on a good day. With the lights flashing overhead and everyone in costumes it was impossible.  –The Raven King, Nora Sakavic, 2013

 

* * *

 

As it turned out Kevin _did_ dress up as a vampire. It was a terribly easy thing to be—he just had to dress in dark colors, put in some fake teeth and splash some fake blood on his mouth. He was already fairly pale, but he did have to put in some red contacts to fit the theme. Altogether, he didn’t look terrible.

Kevin was high from dust and the alcohol, vaguely aware of the fact that he was dancing with Nicky and probably getting himself a little _too_ excited. He couldn’t help it though, he was looking at Matt, who was grinding against Dan, mouthing at her neck.

Kevin hated his relationship with Matt—they weren’t friends but they weren’t enemies. They got into fights often enough to make them annoyed with each other half the time, but they also had moments together that made Kevin’s head spin. There was definite respect between the two of them but it was always stuck in this strange place that Kevin couldn’t name.

Kevin watched Matt’s hands move over Dan’s body, watched their lips meet, and Dan press her body into Matt’s. Kevin’s breathing hitched, and he jumped when someone touched his hip.

He looked around, thinking it was Nicky, but Nicky was somewhere else—Kevin couldn’t see him. There was a man in front of him, maybe a year or two older than Kevin. He was Kevin’s height, and he had muscles that Kevin thought were a little too big, with dark hair.

“You’re Kevin Day!” the man said over the music, leaning into Kevin.

Kevin leaned back a little, frowning. “Yeah,”

“I’m Johnny,” the man held out his hand and Kevin continued to frown but shook it anyhow. “It’s nice to meet you. I’m a huge fan!”

“Thanks,” Kevin shouted back—he hated the music at Eden’s Twilight, he only put up with this place because he followed Andrew. Really though he couldn’t stand it; tonight was only a little better because the whole team was here, and he was here with a goal.

Andrew was far gone from him, as he tended to get when they were at this club. Which meant Kevin could do as he pleased.

It’s not that Johnny wasn’t cute, it’s just he was so _big_ and Kevin, although athletically built and tall, was pretty slim. If it came down to having to get him out of a situation, Kevin didn’t know how well he would fare.

Although, he wasn’t sure he really wanted to get out of a situation. He wanted to get _into_ one. It had been a very, very long time since he had been touched. Kevin was able to get himself off easily, but he had been fantasizing way too much lately and wanted to feel someone else touching him just once. Sober, he would never do such a thing, but Kevin’s head was so far gone that he couldn’t bother to care. In fact, that’s what made it easier.

He was so tired, and so lonely, and so afraid. He just wanted to forget.

“Do you want to dance?” Johnny asked.

Kevin shook his head. “No,” he couldn’t risk being seen. “Follow me.”

Johnny grinned and followed Kevin outside the club. He was drunk enough not to care about anyone watching him turn the corner into the alleyway. He was drunk enough that he couldn’t bother to care that Johnny already had his hand on Kevin’s ass as they looked for a dark spot.

It would be okay. Kevin could pretend it was Matt.

Being drunk, and being high, made Kevin brave. He would regret this in the morning, when he would hear Riko’s voice in his ear, but right now, Kevin didn’t have a care in the world.

As suspected, Johnny was unfairly strong. He pushed Kevin back against the wall, making him grunt. Before he could say anything rude, Johnny shoved his tongue in Kevin’s mouth. Kevin tried to find his bearings because Johnny was pressing very tightly against him.

Johnny kissed his neck messily, and Kevin shut his eyes, trying to picture Matt. It was very hard to do, because Johnny was very hard—all grabby hands and biting teeth and this wasn’t how he pictured it with Matt, _and Kevin heard his own buckle being undone—_

“No,” Kevin’s heart was in his throat. “No,”

“I want to fuck you.”

“No,” he heaved a breath, a panic attack coming for him quickly. “No, not that. I’ll…” _I can’t do that, not here, not like this_ , “I’ll get you off, but not that.”

“Okay,” Johnny said, and Kevin breathed a sigh of relief—but he only had a moment before he was shoved down to his knees. Kevin winced and glared at him, but Johnny didn’t seem to notice. “Fuck you’re hot.” He undid his belt faster than Kevin could comprehend, and before Kevin could understand what was happening, his hands were tied.

Kevin’s mind blanked—he didn’t think about Matt, or what was happening. With that action, the flashbacks tore their way through Kevin’s drunken state. He thought about Jean, and suddenly he didn’t want to be here anymore. More unfortunate still was that Kevin completely went slack, and although he wanted to say no, he didn’t have it in him to speak. He wished Johnny would ask, would say something, but Kevin couldn’t, he tried, he opened his mouth but no sound came out.

Instead, something went in.

Johnny whispered, “ _God_ ,” and Kevin was perfectly still. Considering the fact that Kevin’s mind had taken him to a bad place, what he wanted—he got no pleasure from. His mouth was stretched uncomfortably, there was a heavy warmth on his tongue that he couldn’t properly register. Worse yet, was that Kevin was clearly not here to use his own technique—Johnny was babbling over him, his hands sliding into Kevin’s hair and holding him steady as he fucked into Kevin’s mouth, hitting the back of his throat every time.

Tears burst through Kevin’s eyes from the harshness of the movements. Spit dripped from his mouth, and Johnny was calling him beautiful but Kevin’s knees were aching and his throat was hurting and _no no, because this was supposed to make him forget, not make him remember, he didn’t want to think about Riko or Jean or any of it, he just wanted to forget, why wasn’t this easier—_

He didn’t even notice when Johnny pulled out and climaxed, all over Kevin’s face.

Johnny was saying something, but Kevin couldn’t understand him.

“Nicky,” Kevin muttered. “I…where’d Nicky go?” he looked up at Johnny, who was looking torn, undoing Kevin’s hand. Kevin winced from the pressure and held his left hand to his chest, cradling it. He backed up against the wall, trying to wipe his face, but his shaking hands failed him.

Kevin was losing track of time; he hadn’t noticed that Johnny left him, and he didn’t notice Nicky come for him until he felt a cloth on his face. It forced him to concentrate, to center his eyes and look at Nicky Hemmick who was looking at him with glassy eyes, wiping his face.

“Kevin,” Nicky said slowly. “Can you hear me yet?”

Yet suggested Nicky was here longer than Kevin thought.

“It’s my fault,” Kevin told him.

Nicky’s anger was a palpable force. “If he forced himself on you, that’s not your fault.”

“No, Nicky,” Kevin sighed tiredly. He didn’t feel like he was forced, he had wanted this, _most_ people would not have reacted to their hands being tied. Most people didn’t have flashbacks in the middle of sucking dick. “Jean. What happened, it’s my fault.”

Nicky didn’t ask what happened to Jean. Maybe he understood, considering the context of where they were. Nicky just said, “It’s okay baby,” and Kevin didn’t mind being called that—not by Nicky, a friend. He thought that really, he would let Nicky call him anything, because Nicky liked platonic love, and Kevin wanted someone to love him that way.

“Can you move?” Nicky asked.

Kevin looked at his legs, and then down at his scarred hand. “Nicky, you can’t…you can’t tell anyone, okay?”

“Okay,” Nicky promised. “Come on Kev, get up.” He wrapped an arm around Kevin’s side.

“If they find out I like boys, they’ll punish me.” Kevin told him, staggering to get up. He still felt the belt around his wrists.

Nicky almost dropped him. He turned and held Kevin’s face in his hands, looking at him seriously. “Kevin, Riko is not going to punish you, do you understand me?”

“I…” Kevin frowned at him. “I thought if I could pretend, that I would feel better.”

Nicky, bless him, understood that too. “Never do this shit under the influence man.” He shook his head and tried to push Kevin’s hair away from his face, scrunching his nose from the stickiness. “Jesus, does anyone know about this? You don’t even look like you’re here.”

Kevin didn’t feel like he was. He couldn’t stop thinking about Jean, he couldn’t stop _seeing_ it. He could not stop remembering how Riko had forced Kevin to be a part of it, he remembered how Jean and Kevin both had their wrists tied—

“I don’t feel well.” Kevin mumbled.

“Jesus,” Nicky moved out of the way right in time, before Kevin bent over and threw up. “Okay, okay,” Nicky rubbed his back soothingly. When he was done, he helped Kevin straighten and lifted the cloth once more, wiping the side of Kevin’s mouth. “Kevin, did you say yes to him?”

“What?”

“Did you to do that willingly?”

Kevin nodded. “I did. I just…” he leaned on Nicky for assistance. “My hands.”

Nicky looked down at Kevin’s hands, inspecting them closely. “They look okay.” He frowned. Nicky had to piece everything together on his own. “You got triggered by something?” he asked, and Kevin had to swallow as he nodded. “Okay, that’s okay. I got you now Kev, I’ll take care of you.”

Kevin tried to smile at him, but failed. “I know Nicky. I trust you.” Nicky took Kevin’s drunken words and smiled sadly at him, helping him back inside.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so this chapter was very intense; jean's torture was something i think i always wanted to address, because i feel very strongly about it--and riko has mentioned how he has enjoyed hurting kevin. i always figured riko, being evil, would force kevin to be a part of the torture inflicted on jean (because kevin and jean were so close). this is perhaps a small lean away from canon, but i think it is definitely something riko would do to them 
> 
> the reason why i chose nicky to help kevin instead of andrew is because kevin needs not to be protected, but to be cared for. kevin wanted physical affection, but the fact that his PTSD gets in the way of it and sends him into such a deep place, only a friend could get him out of there. andrew cares for kevins well being, but not his emotions, whereas nicky would bend over backwards for his friends. 
> 
> i hope you liked this chapter, i got a little teary writing it, as it was a very personal thing for me to write these scenes. this scene will come up in conversation in the next two chapters--once with nicky, and once with matt (kind of). 
> 
> please comment if you enjoyed (or cried, as i did when i wrote it). this chapter holds a lot of value to me. its true what they say, we really do project onto our favourite characters.
> 
> xx


	7. thanksgiving

The people we trust to be part of our lives. The people we care about.  –The Raven King, Nora Sakavic, 2013

 

Since it was Thanksgiving, Kevin had decided to tone down his drinking. He was unhappy with Neil’s cool remark at him, he clearly didn’t trust Kevin enough to give Kevin the reigns, but he didn’t argue. He walked around the house, helping Abby bring the dishes to the sink.

Wymack walked up behind him, his heavy footsteps tended to give him away. “Need help?” he grumbled.

“No,” Abby smiled at him, and Wymack gave her a tiny one back. Kevin felt honored that he got to see it, it wasn’t often Wymack smiled at all, and it gave Kevin some kind of hope too. That his father was relatively happy with someone, and that someone as annoyed with life as Wymack could crack a smile. “How are the kids?”

“Alive,” Wymack said.

Abby slapped his chest with a frown and Wymack cracked another smile—Kevin assumed there was a joke he was missing, but he washed his hands in the sink and turned around, leaning against the counter.

Wymack thumped his shoulder and Kevin frowned at him. “What are you thinking so damn hard about?”

Kevin shook his head, “Nothing,” he mumbled.

“I don’t believe you.”

“Do you ever?”

“No,” Wymack nodded and leaned against the counter with him. Abby continued to wash dishes, not bothering either of them for help. Nicky was saying something to Neil in excitement while Aaron was texting on his phone, presumably Katelyn. “You’ve been weird since before Andrew left.”

“Opposed to when I’m so fucking normal?” Kevin asked.

Wymack looked over at him, raising his eyebrow. “Hey, what’s with the attitude?”

Kevin couldn’t look at him. It’s not like Wymack was wrong really, ever since Halloween, Kevin hadn’t been able to wrap his head around what had happened to him. He had avoided Nicky more than he ever had before, which was extremely difficult to do considering the fact that he hung out with him every day. Then, after seeing what happened to Andrew…

“It’s been a long couple of months,” Kevin told him.

Wymack sighed. “You got that right. You know, we’re going to be okay.”

Kevin’s heart was in his throat. “The team will be okay,” he agreed. “I, will not be.”

“You know, not everything is about you Kevin.”

“Shut up,” Kevin snapped, and now Abby was interfering, coming to the other side and putting a hand on his shoulder. He shrugged it off easily and put the base of his hands to his eyes, pressing them shut tightly as he struggled to get his temper under control. His temper was an unfortunate side effect of his anxiety, he was quick to be irritated. “Of course I care about Andrew, but he’ll…he’ll come out, he’ll be okay.” Kevin couldn’t explain how he knew, how he had more faith in Andrew’s survival than he had in anyone’s.

Wymack snapped right back, “Are you fucking clairvoyant now?”

“It’s Andrew,” Kevin stared at him. “Despite what everyone thinks, I have faith in him. Why do you think I bother him as much as I do?” he shook his head and threw his hands up. “I want him to be…”

Abby helped him out, “Better?”

“Okay,” Kevin corrected—he wouldn’t even ask Andrew to be better. Kevin was familiar enough with trauma to know that people couldn’t get _better_ so quickly, but they could be _okay_. “Of course I want him to be okay.”

Wymack was staring at him so hard that Kevin wanted to slip down to the floor. As much as he respected, and yes, even loved Wymack, his rule was to keep his emotional state with Wymack in check. He could not slip up, no matter how he felt about his father, his coach, _first and foremost his coach_. “So then what the hell is wrong with you?” he asked.

Kevin was staring at Neil hard, trying to make sense of his life. “Nothing,” he lied easily, rubbing each scar tenderly on his hand.

Wymack didn’t miss a thing. “Stop that,” he grabbed Kevin’s hand, and the contact, the easy contact scared the shit out of Kevin. He tried to pull his hand away but Wymack didn’t let him, and that scared Kevin even more.

“Look at me, now,” Wymack ordered.

Kevin grew up around rules and order, he could not disobey, even now. He looked up at Wymack, meeting his eyes. They were so different, so, _so_ different physically, but inside, Kevin wondered if they were at all alike. In his eyes, Wymack was the picture of the man he wanted to be, but Kevin felt so far away from that.

“What?” Kevin asked angrily.

“Nothing is going to happen to you.” Wymack told him. “Do you understand me?”

“You can’t make such promises.”

“Can Andrew?”

“That’s different,” Kevin pulled his hand away and held it to his chest. It was becoming a habit that he didn’t know how to break, when he was anxious. Bringing his hand to his chest made him remember that he was okay, and that he was safe.

“Why?”

“Because Andrew is…” Kevin didn’t know what word to use. Scary? Dangerous?

“I’m a grown man Kevin. I think I can handle taking care of you.”

“I don’t need you to take care of me,” the words came spitting out of his mouth, savagely. Wymack narrowed his eyes, and like he always did, he saw the lies behind the words his Fox used.

Abby put a hand on Kevin’s shoulder again, whispering to him, “You have family here, Kevin.”

Kevin closed his eyes, he wanted so badly to be in his dorm room, with his books, under the covers. “I’m…” he wanted to apologize, he wanted to explain himself—no, of course everything is not about Exy. He wished he could tell Wymack how damaging it was to see Andrew in that state, and how much it meant to him that Andrew _was_ getting help, and that what he wanted for this team was more than just to win games, it was to see the satisfaction on their faces as they realized how much they had improved. He wished he could tell Wymack how much he wanted to be his son.

“It’s okay,” Wymack told him. “Go on,” he waved his hand.

Kevin didn’t respond, but he did grab the bottle on his way upstairs to one of the bedrooms. He heard the sound of someone moving to follow him, and he didn’t have to question who it was.

“Go downstairs Nicky,” he snapped over his shoulder, about to shut the door of the bedroom, but Nicky pushed it open.

“No,” Nicky said, letting himself in and closing the door. He had the curtesy to lock it, but when Kevin rounded on him, ready to yell at him, Nicky’s face was stone. “I’m not letting you leave.”

“I’m stronger than you.” Kevin snapped.

“You’ll have to force me out of the way, which I know you won’t do.”

Kevin gave a scathing laugh. “You put far too much faith in me.”

“Well, someone has to, right?” Nicky offered him a tiny smile, breaking the mold of his otherwise serious face. “Kevin, come on, its Thanksgiving. Don’t be in a bad mood.”

Kevin snorted and undid the bottle cap, taking a long swing of it. He swore to Nicky when Nicky made a move to try and take the bottle, and Kevin who had started drinking even before Nicky, was weaker and so Nicky was able to grab it.

“Give it,” Kevin growled.

“No,”

“Nicky—”

“No, fuck you,” Nicky told him.

Kevin glared at him. “Excuse you?”

Nicky frowned at him. “You walk around on the fucking court like a champion, an arrogant piece of shit and no one tells you otherwise because you _deserved_ that title. You’re better than any of us, it’s true, and I’m the first one to fucking say it. You put us down and work us to the bone, and we might roll our eyes but no one calls you out because you push us to be better.”

“Why are you saying all this?”

“Because, you might be a champion on that court, but here, you’re human Kevin, _human_. You can’t bottle everything up and drink yourself half to death and call it a day. You might get away with that shit when Andrew isn’t here, but guess what, it’s you and me now.”

Kevin couldn’t hold back his fury. “Lucky me.”

“Don’t,” Nicky pointed at him. “I’ve helped you, more than anyone on this team. You succeeded in having everyone believe you are a bitter person, obsessed with one thing only, but I know better.”

Kevin continued to glare at him, regardless of the way each word Nicky broke him apart piece by piece. “Since when did you get so bold?”

“I took a leaf out of Neil’s book,” Nicky let himself grin a little, and that made Kevin feel a little better. It looked like the real Nicky—it didn’t make Kevin happy to know that he had pushed Nicky to such anger. “Apologize,” he told Kevin.

Kevin continued to glare at him, but he knew Nicky was right. “I’m sorry,”

“I forgive you.” Nicky put the bottle down on the floor and patted the spot in front of him. “Come on Kev,” his voice was softer now, soothing, easing Kevin’s insecurities. “Sit with me.”

Kevin hesitated for a moment before he sat down, his exhaustion hitting him as he sat. “Am I allowed to drink now?”

Nicky looked contemplative and then grinned wider, shaking his head. “Nope.”

“Fuck you.”

“Oh, honey, you wish.” Nicky winked at him. Kevin snorted, shaking his head. When he refused to smile, Nicky reached out and put a finger on the corner of Kevin’s mouth, smiling at him. “Come on Kev, let me see that smile.”

Kevin rolled his eyes. “No,”

“I won’t tell anyone you smiled, don’t worry. I know you don’t know how to do that anymore.”

Kevin knew the sentence was supposed to be a tease, a joke, something to pull a smile out of Kevin. The truth of it was however that it cut Kevin to the bone. He nodded lightly to himself, and brought his legs up to his chest resting his chin between them, wrapping his arms around them. He felt so, so small. Nicky realized the nature of his mistake immediately, his hand reaching out and placing it on Kevin’s arm.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered. “I didn’t—”

“It’s not like you’re wrong,” Kevin interrupted him. “I don’t know how anymore.”

“Kevin, maybe you should talk about what happened with Ri—”

“No,” and Kevin’s voice was so absolute that Nicky did not bother to argue. His heart skipped a beat or two before he closed his eyes and tried to settle his breathing, thinking back to what Nicky had told him.  Nicky _had_ helped him, and whatever vulnerability Kevin chose to show in front of Nicky, he could trust for it to stay between the two of them. There was trust in this room, and this was Kevin’s chance to take advantage of it. “When…when you found me…”

“That guy, Johnny, he spoke to the bartender,” Nicky filled in the blanks immediately—they hadn’t spoken about that night at all. “Roland came to come find me. Johnny told him that you asked for me.”

Kevin frowned further, refusing to meet Nicky’s eyes. “Yeah,”

“Why me Kevin?” Nicky asked, exasperated. “Don’t get me wrong, I’d fucking…Jesus, for any of you, if you asked me to follow you I would. But why not Andrew, or Neil even, he’s more—”

“They don’t care about me,” Kevin interrupted him again, shocking Nicky. “Andrew protects me out of obligation, but if the choice came down between me and something or someone more valuable to him, he would drop me in a second.”

Hurt flashed over Nicky’s eyes. “Andrew cares about you Kevin.”

“I don’t believe you,” but God—did Kevin ever hope that it was true. The matter of it was, in the end, whether Andrew cared or didn’t he would never admit such a thing to Kevin anyhow. Nor did they ever talk about their feelings enough for Kevin to figure out how Andrew felt about him. Neil and he had respect for each other, that much was certain, and Kevin’s affections towards Neil were underlined in every drill and tactic he taught him; whether Neil saw them or not.

Nicky continued the conversation softly, “Kevin, why didn’t you tell me?” his voice was lower now that the conversation had moved onto a private territory. “Me, of all people.”

Kevin shook his head, putting his forehead on his arm, closing his eyes. “It’s been used against me,” Kevin didn’t feel the need to clarify to Nicky that he was bisexual, and not gay, it didn’t really matter right now. In the end, that’s not what mattered to either of them, who Kevin preferred. It was why Kevin had chosen to hide it.

“You thought that I would?”

“No,” Kevin murmured. “No, but my ego was in the way. I didn’t want you to be excited about it.”

“Why?”

“Because,” Kevin moaned, lifting his head up. He felt a terrible ache in his stomach, almost like he wanted to vomit, but just on the brink of it, rather than actually doing it. “Do you know what it would mean for me, if I came out to the team? If I came out to anyone at all? With Riko watching my every move, and the press on my back all the time? I…” he choked up, forcing himself to relax before he hyperventilated. “My _preferences_ have been used as a weapon. I could not allow such a thing to happen again. I thought just for one night, I could have what I want, to just not _think about him_ —” he paused when he realized what he had said, and his heart picked up erratic when he saw the dawning in Nicky’s eyes.

To his deep surprise, Nicky didn’t hound him right away. His eyes were caring, and understanding, and sad. “You don’t have to tell me,” he whispered. “But you can.” He moved closer, invading Kevin’s personal space, but Kevin didn’t know how to ask him to stop. Kevin wasn’t sure that he wanted Nicky to stop. Part of Kevin craved any kind of physical affection on such an enormous level while the other part of him was scared shitless of it.

 _Tell him,_ Kevin yelled at himself, _tell him. You live with a thousand secrets, just give up this one._

Nicky caressed Kevin’s face with so much adoration, and genuine care that Kevin wanted to cry. The words fell out of him pathetically; in the back of his mind, Riko was calling him a coward, and Jean was crying, and Kevin was whispering, “It’s Matt,” he said brokenly, putting his head in his hands.

Kevin could _feel_ Nicky’s shock, from the way his hand had tensed over Kevin’s features. “Matt? Our Matt?”

“Nicky,”

“Sorry,” he said hurriedly. “I just…I didn’t think it would be him. I thought maybe Andrew or Neil…” he trailed off, the disbelief clear in his tone. “I’m sorry Kev,”

Kevin looked up at that, blinking away the tears that wanted to fall. He would allow himself to give away his secrets, but not to cry. Not when Nicky had already seen him in such a terrible state. “Why?”

Nicky shrugged. “Having feelings for someone shouldn’t be this hard,” he said sadly, tucking a strand of Kevin’s hair behind his ear. The simple movement made Kevin want to cry again—Nicky was giving him every kind of affection that he needed. “It shouldn’t have you like this, on the floor of someone else’s bedroom, hiding away from it, or in an alley with a guy who doesn’t give a shit about you.”

“Nicky,” Kevin grabbed Nicky’s arms. “Please, never tell anyone about that.” His hands shook with fear.

“I told you I wouldn’t—”

“That is not how I wanted to…come out,” he cringed at the words. His struggle to accept who he liked and how to say the words would be everlasting, until he came to terms with it on his own, or with someone to love him back. The words were practically spit out of his mouth; after hearing for so long that it was something terrible, it was hard to get rid of that mentality in just a few months, no matter how much he knew that it wasn’t something terrible at all.

“I know,” Nicky nodded. “I know. I didn’t think…seeing you like that, I never want to see you do that again.”

Kevin shook his head. “I can’t…I can’t talk about that, now.” His embarrassment was a force of nature. He had slipped so far into his flashbacks, and had become so unresponsive, he wanted to deal with it on his own before he had to deal with talking about it to someone else.

Bless Nicky’s heart, to lighten the mood, he flicked Kevin on the forehead and said, “Listen Kev…whenever you want to get down and dirty you just have to walk into my room.”

Kevin rolled his eyes and snorted, “Asshole,” he muttered, hiding a tiny grin as he pushed Nicky away from him—but like so much else, Nicky’s eyes saw everything, including Kevin’s smile.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope you all enjoyed this chapter!!
> 
> the next one is the last one before we hit the kings men! it's kevin x matt centered, its the christmas special, and we're going to take a dive into matt's background and his relationship with dan. you'll also see more of aaron and nicky. the chapter is going to be a little lighter than the intensity of this one, and kevins situation will come up again
> 
> i hope you like the way kevin and nickys friendship is developing, and how to the team kevin is seen one way and behind closed doors hes someone else entirely. 
> 
> please keep commenting it means so much to me, i love reading everything, it fuels me to keep it up!
> 
> xx


	8. christmas

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: anxiety attack, mentions and slight descriptions of rape

That meant Matt was Nicky’s only chance for a fun holiday. None of the so-called monsters of the team were sure why Matt was being nice to them, but Nicky was too excited to spend New Year’s in Times Square to really care.  –The Raven King, Nora Sakavic, 2013

 

* * *

 

When Christmas Day rolled around, Kevin had been sober for three days straight, well rested, and had been having dreamless sleeps. There was guilt in him still, knowing that Neil was with Riko, but there was literally not a thing Kevin could do with that right now. Part of him desperately wanted to tell his team about it, so they knew where he was and why, but Kevin saw Nicky’s smile every morning in the loft, and Aaron’s calm demeanor and Matt’s easy grace in his old home and didn’t have it in him.

Erik Klose had surprised Nicky for Christmas two days ago, and the happiness on Nicky’s face was easily one of the most beautiful things Kevin had seen. His affection for Nicky kept skyrocketing, and now, seeing that he had someone to be with during the holidays and the clear joy over his features was just the greatest thing about their holiday so far.

When morning rolled around, Kevin grunted when Nicky catapulted himself onto his bed.

“Nicky—”

“Up and at ‘em handsome,” Nicky slapped his back and Kevin tried to get him back, swearing under his breath, but Nicky was already off him. “Merry Christmas! Get your ass up!”

Kevin groaned and turned around, shoving his face into his pillow, just enough space so his nose could get some air. Christmas Eve had been a fun affair, they were saving the opening of presents for this morning; something Kevin was nervous about. He had actually put thought into his gifts this year. Andrew’s, Wymack’s, and Neil’s gifts were under his bed, wrapped poorly, and Nicky’s, Aaron’s, Matt’s and a last minute gift for Erik were wrapped and ready to go. Unfortunately, Kevin and mornings didn’t go together, so exhaustion was quickly calling for him once more, his eyes slipping shut.

He didn’t dream again, but he did day-dream. Two days ago he and Matt had hit the gym while Aaron, Nicky and Erik had taken to the city for a bit. Kevin had thought it would be easy, going to the gym with Matt, but it wasn’t. Matt had been shirtless the whole way through, going through his circuit training that he had set up like it was nothing. Kevin was no major fan of the gym, and Nicky had howled with laughter when Kevin admitted walking into one of the machines because he got side tracked by Matt working out.

It was going well with them, too well, something that was bound to end whenever Neil appeared from the nest. So for now, Kevin would take advantage where he could.

With his eyes closed he remembered with perfect clarity the image of Matt working out. The way his muscles moved fluidly as he lifted his weights and punched at the bag in front of him. That had been Kevin’s favorite part, when he watched Matt box. His aim was impeccable, he hit nearly the same spot every time. His face was screwed up in concentration, the sweat rippling down between his shoulder blades

Kevin’s breathing got a little heavy. He kept his face in his pillow, moving it a little more to the side, keeping his eyes shut to picture Matt as his shaking hand moved down between his body and the bed, grasping himself through his boxers. Kevin hadn’t touched himself since before Halloween, and the release had been building up in him since he had come down to New York. Not only because of Matt working out, but because how Matt seemed so _at home_. It was so terribly domestic, watching Matt walk around his house, talk to his mother, half the time without a shirt, and smiling more than ever. Matt without styling his hair, Matt with a backwards cap as he lounged around his home, Matt and Kevin never having argued once.

Kevin moaned in his pillow, his hand grasping the base of his erection rubbing up and down slowly. He would have turned over to access it better, but the friction he was receiving with the bed underneath him was amazing. He even removed his hand, grasping the pillow with one and the headboard with the other, gritting his teeth as he began to move his hips hard into the bed.

Matt’s laughter bounded off the walls of the loft, and Kevin had to bite into his pillow.

He imagined the gym room harder, Matt in his glistening glory, walking over to him and pushing Kevin against the long standing mirror. He imagined Matt picking him up, and Kevin wrapping his legs around him, their tongues pressed against each other as their lips would meet. Kevin tugging at Matt’s hair while Matt’s hands and arms held him tight against his _massive_ body, and Kevin would be able to feel Matt’s—

“Kevin?” Matt’s voice was on the other side of the door, he knocked twice. “Hey do you want me to make you some coffee?” he turned the knob and Kevin shouted,

“I’m changing!” he yelped, his hips jerking madly in protest as he forced himself to stop, so his voice could be controlled.

“Alright, so coffee, yes or no?” Matt called.

“Y-yes,” Kevin whimpered, and Matt’s footsteps went away, Kevin picking up speed again. He imagined then, how it would have been in a world where Matt was not dating Dan, and maybe he would have opened the door, _and seen Kevin fucking his mattress, and maybe just strip down and cover himself over Kevin and kiss his neck and whisper dirty nothings in Kevin’s ear—_

“Fuck,” Kevin moaned, his hands clenching hard as he came in his boxers, his entire body seizing. The shock of it whited out his daydream of Matt, and Kevin came down from his high slowly. His body relaxed into the mattress before he turned over wincing as he reached for a previously worn shirt from his bag, wiping inside his boxers. He dropped it to the ground and grabbed a pair of pants, slipping them on. He took a sweater and slipped it on, zipping it up halfway and ran both hands in his hair, trying to push it away from his face. He was pleasantly sleepy still, but less annoyed.

Kevin padded out from the room, stretching his arms as he walked around the house. Erik Klose was the first person he saw. He was exactly Nicky’s type, tall and well built, light brown hair and bright blue eyes. He was handsome and an extremely polite man. He was a lot more serious than Nicky was, but they worked nicely off each other.

“Good morning, Kevin,”

“Hi,” he nodded. “Where’s everyone?”

“In the living room,” Erik motioned. He had two mugs in his hands, already dressed for the day. “Nicky has been waiting unhappily.”

“Nicky is impatient.”

“That he is,” he chuckled.

Their conversation ended as Kevin followed him to the living room. Kevin craned his neck looking for Matt’s mother, but she was nowhere to be found. Then again, Matt’s living space was relatively big so his mother could be anywhere right now. Matt was shirtless again, which was both a blessing and a curse, and when he saw Kevin his face broke into a smile.

Kevin never thought that Matt would smile like that around him, around any of them. That their relationship, without Aaron constantly being rude, and without the heaviness of Andrew’s stare could actually be something _normal_.

“Finally!” Nicky exclaimed. He was sitting on the floor beside the massive tree, looking down at the presents. “Jesus Kevin, you didn’t even bring out the gifts.” He rolled his eyes and slapped Aaron upside the head, and Aaron tried to hit him back. “Come help me.” He jumped over the couch, kissed Erik quickly and ran to Kevin’s room.

Matt chuckled, shaking his head, grabbing a large blue mug from the table and bringing it over to Kevin. Kevin grasped it, his fingers overlapping Matt’s as he took it. “Superman?” he asked, looking down at the mug. He took a sip, it was nice and strong.

Matt shrugged and grinned. “He’s an awesome hero. Let me guess, you like Batman.”

“I don’t really read comic books.”

“Something else to rectify then,” Matt chuckled, patting Kevin’s chest. Half of his hand lay on Kevin’s bare skin, and he desperately wanted to take his hand and press it against Matt’s.

Aaron came back with Nicky holding Kevin’s presents, “Alright, let’s get this shit started. Nicky is going to piss himself with excitement.”

Nicky threw him an exasperated glance. “Nice,”

Erik followed Nicky to the ground, sitting by him and wrapping an arm around his side. “I missed seeing this smile. I think it’s nice.”

Nicky’s eyes were practically shining. “Okay, okay, who wants to go first?”

Kevin, who’s fingers were still tingling from the contact with Matt blurted out, “I’ll pass mine out.” He grabbed his gifts, and handed them out, not being able to look Matt in the eye. He took a spot next to Erik, facing Aaron, and Matt took the spot between Aaron and Kevin. His knee bumped Kevin’s, and Kevin turned his gaze to Matt’s hands, watching him take out the tissue from the bag.

Kevin’s heartbeat skipped a few beats as Matt took out a copy of the Iliad. Kevin had a bunch of different versions with different covers, so he gave Matt the one with the bright colors; it reminded Kevin of Matt, bright and shiny. Kevin almost gave Matt the copy they had read on the bus, but that was too close and personal to Kevin’s heart for him to part with.

Matt’s smile faltered a little, his hand running over the cover of the book. Anxiety nipped at Kevin, telling him _this was a stupid gift, you shouldn’t have bought that, he doesn’t care about these things—_

“Kevin—”

“It’s mine,” Kevin blurted out stupidly. “I…I highlighted all my favorite lines.” He cleared his throat, putting his hand to his torso, wrapping his right hand around it protectively. “So you know, when you read it, if you want to read it, you’ll know which lines I liked the best.”

Matt smiled tenderly, “Thank you Kevin.” He murmured softly. “I really…thanks.”

Kevin broke the gaze before he lost his mind and looked over at Aaron who was actually grinning when he unwrapped his gift. “Jesus Kevin,” Aaron let slip a _laugh_ even, something that rarely happened. “Seriously?” he took out the huge box of condoms and a bottle of Aaron’s favorite alcohol, combined with a movie he knew Aaron wanted. “Condoms?”

Nicky grinned. “That one was my idea.”

Aaron shook his head. “I should have fucking guessed,”

Nicky shrugged. “When you finally get to fuck your girl, you should make sure it’s until neither one of you can walk. You’ll need condoms for that.”

“Poetic Nicky,”

Erik chuckled. “Thank you Kevin,” as he pulled out his gift—Kevin had given him a small collage of Nicky playing Exy, with a shirt Kevin noticed he had his eye on during his walk in the city. “You didn’t have to get me anything.”

Kevin shrugged, his eyes moving to Nicky, who pulled out a video game, and a bag of his favorite chocolate. He thrust his hand into the air, fist pumping. “Fuck me,” Nicky grinned. Erik murmured something in his ear and Nicky laughed loudly. “Did it hurt you to buy chocolate?” he asked, laughing at Kevin’s expression.

“Enjoy it,” Kevin warned him. “When you’re back on my court you won’t be touching anything like that for weeks.”

“Jeez,”

Matt pulled his gifts that he had bought forward, and pressed a small one into Kevin’s hand. He was looking at Kevin with a very gentle expression, and Kevin wanted to close the distance between them and press his lips against Matt’s.

“Open it,” Matt told him, pointing down.

Kevin did as he was told, a true, genuine smile taking his features. Kevin normally didn’t let one slip, but he couldn’t help it. Between his hands was a historic novel, called _The Song of Achilles._ If he could properly express to Matt how much this meant to him, he would, but he knew he couldn’t, so he let it swirl around in his head.

Matt and he had matched presents. Matt had remembered how much Kevin liked history, and how Achilles was his favorite. Matt had went out of his way to find something that he thought Kevin would like, instead of buying him a bottle of vodka, like he was sure anyone else would have done.

“I looked up some reviews,” Matt said to him. “Apparently it’s amazing. It’s a love story I think, from what I read, but anyway, I don’t know, I thought you would like this more than a fucking shirt or something.”

Aaron from where he sat, said, “Wow, first time I’ve seen Kevin smile since I’ve fucking known him.”

Kevin didn’t even have it in him to give him back an answer. He didn’t really care that people were seeing him smile. No one had ever done something like this for him. “Matt, I—”

Then, Kevin’s phone rang.

Without thinking, Kevin reached inside his pocket and grabbed it, putting it to his ear. “Hello?” he asked, still in a daze.

“Merry Christmas, brother,”

Kevin’s hand stilled over the book, his eyes widening in despair. “Riko,” he whispered, choking on his words.

The entire room tensed. Aaron’s face was stone, Erik tensed when he saw Nicky’s expression fall with the single word. Matt’s hand turned into a fist, moving closer to Kevin, ready to grab the phone. Kevin’s free hand shot out and grabbed Matt’s wrist, shaking his head and stilling him.

Kevin didn’t know what to say. There were too many people around him for him to ask how Neil was. He opened his mouth, trying to say something, but nothing happened.

Riko spoke instead, “Are you enjoying your time away from where you truly belong?”

Kevin closed his eyes. “I am a Fox, not a Raven.”

“Shut up,” he snapped. “Your misfortunes are still Jean’s, you know.”

That cut Kevin to the bone. He whimpered, tightening his grip on Matt’s wrist, but Matt didn’t waver. “Don’t…”

“I inked your Fox,” Riko’s voice dropped. “He will come back with a number on his face. Won’t you like that Kevin?”

Kevin couldn’t answer. He swallowed, his hand shaking profusely as he tried to remember what it meant to breathe. Kevin desperately wanted alcohol, he wanted to drown himself so bad in it that he couldn’t remember his own name.

“Please, Riko don’t—”

But Riko hung up, leaving Kevin with a dead line. Kevin didn’t want to think about the pain being inflicted on Neil, he definitely didn’t want to know what had happened to Jean while Kevin was gone. Bile rose in his throat, the coffee that he had drank the only thing in his stomach threatening to come up. The phone dropped to the ground and Kevin tried to suck into a breath and failed.

“Kevin, breathe,” Nicky said. “What happened?”

Kevin shook his head, the only thing grounding him right now was holding on to Matt’s wrist. He felt his lungs try to suck in oxygen but he was failing miserably. He ached, trying to force himself, but the way his head was pounding and the way the world seemed to contract around him had him falling apart.

Matt moved forward pressing his hand against Kevin’s chest. “Kevin, make my hand rise and fall, okay?” he told him calmly. “You have to breathe, so work on the feel of my hand.”

Kevin kept his hand on Matt’s wrist, forcing his eyes to open. Their eyes met, green to brown, and Kevin willed himself to calm down. He focused on touch, Matt’s hand on his chest, his hand over Matt’s wrist, the way Matt’s eyes went from dark brown to light, to almost hazel right before it hit the pupil.

Aaron’s voice was like stone. “What did that fucker want?”

Kevin shook his head. “Jean.” He lied easily. He would keep Neil’s secret until he was told otherwise. “He’s hurting Jean, I think. Or he threatened to do, if I step out of line.” He released his death grip slowly on Matt, who moved away from him. “Can we…” he cleared his throat. “Fuck I need a drink.”

Nicky shook his head when Aaron moved to get up to get him something. “We’re going to have a fun day,” he said. “Erik is a great baker. We’re going to make some desserts while dinner is being done. You’ll help us, won’t you Kevin?” that was Nicky’s nice way of saying that Andrew and  Wymack both weren’t here, so Nicky was in charge which meant he wasn’t going to let Kevin forget his existence. Kevin didn’t know what he had done to deserve Nicky’s love, but he kept it close to him as much as he could.

Kevin didn’t know whether he nodded or not, but Nicky gave him a small smile nonetheless. “Excuse me,” he mumbled.

Before he got up, Erik touched his arm, smiling at him. “Don’t be too long Kevin, we have a whole day of fun planned for you.”

Kevin nodded, but his body was numb. He walked to his room, shutting the door and falling to the ground, his knees having giving up on him. He put his head in his hands and felt his body come apart. Swiftly, he took out his phone again and called the first person he thought of.

“Day,” Wymack answered. “What do you want?”

Kevin choked on his breath. “I…” he curled forward, pressing his forehead to the cool floor. “I just wanted to say Merry Christmas.” _I miss you, I need you, and I need to feel how a son **should** feel under the protection of his father. Help me._

“Why do you sound like you’re dying?”

 _I wish I was,_ “Hungover,” he whispered.

“Naturally.”

“So,” he felt tears prick his eyes, the sound of his father’s voice attempting to fix what was broken. “Merry Christmas.”

“Merry Christmas Kevin.”

Kevin hung up, whimpering again, letting his phone drop and wrapping his arms around his stomach. His head swam with past traumas, knowing the kind of hurt Riko could inflict on Jean, what he already _had_ inflicted on Jean. Kevin wondered if he would ever be able to forget the worst of it, the way Jean sounded as his bones broke, the way Jean’s eyes went unfocused as Riko forced Ravens to fuck him.

The way Jean had to close his eyes when Riko forced Kevin to fuck him.

The way the ropes pulled when Kevin tried to resist, and his hands were stuck to the headboard, holding on so he could still thrust—Riko made sure of that.

The way Kevin whispered ‘I’m sorry’ a million times.

The way Jean, at the end of it, gave up completely, looking like a man outside of his body.

The way it felt when they had no choice but to climax, otherwise, they would be punished for that too.

The way Jean’s tear fell afterward.

“Jesus Kevin,”

Kevin hadn’t heard Matt come in. He didn’t fight him when Matt leaned on the ground, pulling Kevin upright. He began to shake in Matt’s arms but didn’t have it in him to reject the contact. It lasted only a moment, but Kevin closed his eyes and let himself be surrounded by the heat radiating from Matt’s body. It was enough to have him settle in a more manageable place in his head.

“Dan says Merry Christmas,” Matt helped Kevin onto his bed, smiling lightly, as though he hadn’t just walked in on Kevin falling apart on the ground. “She just called.” Kevin didn’t say anything. He let Matt put him on the bed, watching Matt walk around the guest bedroom and begin to tidy up. “She’s having a good time. I miss her, a lot, but you know, it’s kind of nice every once and a while to get your thoughts in order.”

Kevin said, “I don’t understand,” what he meant by that was— _I don’t understand why you’re here, helping me_ , but Matt took it to mean about him and Dan.

“She’s my best friend,” Matt explained, sitting on the bed next to Kevin. Kevin looked over at him and Matt leaned back on his hands, shrugging, talking lightly. “I love her. I do, and she loves me too. It’s just, I wonder if we love each other, or if we’re actually in love.  Of course, I’ve never had a girlfriend before her anyway so what the hell do I know.”

Kevin couldn’t help ask, “Dan is your first?” he swallowed, slowly feeling steadier in his body.

“For a relationship, yes,” Matt nodded. “Not for other things. My uh…” he glanced at Kevin, his eyes narrowing and his mouth thinning. “Back when I did this,” he motioned to the track marks on his arms. “My dad and I, we did it together. He would let…or I would let, I’m not really sure where those things would fall into, but his friends would…you know.”

Kevin had to think for only a moment before understanding dawned on him. The urge to vomit increased and the peace he had from Matt’s body quickly evaporated. “You were raped.”

Matt flinched. “I don’t like that word.”

Kevin didn’t have a response to that. “I don’t feel well,” he mumbled, putting his head back in his hands. He hated this—that amongst the Foxes this is what it _always fucking came down to._ It was Kevin being forced to do it to Jean, it was Andrew having it done to him, it was Kevin in an alley trying to forget what had happened, and now _Matt_.

“No one but Dan knows that,” Matt murmured.

Kevin looked at him. “Why are you telling me this?” he groaned, swallowing the little bile that was so ready to come from him. He felt disgusting, he didn’t want to listen to his. He didn’t want to picture that, to have to think about something like that happening to Matt.

Matt shrugged, not looking nearly as effected as Kevin was. “So you know you’re not alone I guess. I don’t know what trauma Riko put you through, but you know, we’ve all been through shit. We wouldn’t be Foxes otherwise, right?”

Kevin wanted to block out Matt’s voice, he hated the way he was saying everything so casually, like it didn’t matter. “You don’t seem so fucking perturbed by what happened to you.”

“I came to terms with it.” Matt admitted. “I never said no to them.”

“Just because you’re on drugs, that doesn’t mean you consented.” Kevin spat. “What happened to you is…”

“I don’t want to talk about it in depth,” Matt interrupted him. “I came here to talk about Dan.”

Kevin, irritated, snapped, “I have no advice to give you for you and your girlfriend.”

“I don’t need advice. I just need a friend.”

“Are we friends?” Kevin hissed.

“I don’t know, we must be, since you haven’t kicked me out yet.”

Kevin glanced at him. “There’s still time.”

Matt grinned at him, clearly knowing that Kevin would not bother to throw him out of the room. “It scares the shit out of me man. We flocked together because we were the same kind of person, but Dan didn’t really _need_ me the same way I needed her at the time. Time goes by, holidays and stuff, and we’re getting more and more comfortable being apart. Scares the shit out of me. I know couples don’t stay in the honeymoon phase or whatever, but I don’t know…I mean, I would never break up with her, but sometimes I really think that when this year is over, she might break up with me.”

Before Kevin could stop himself he said, “I don’t see why she would bother breaking up with you, of all people.”

“Wow did you just pay me a compliment?”

“Don’t get used to it.”

Matt chuckled. “Dan has always been more…independent than me. I don’t think I’ll end up being what she wants.”

Kevin wanted to say, _I’m here, I want you_ , “She loves you.”

“There’s a lot of different kinds of love, Kevin, and you can love more than one person in this life.” He looked at Kevin hard, searching his expression. “I’m not pushing you know, I’m enjoying my time with her, and if it goes to shit, at least she’ll always be my best friend.”

Kevin sighed, “Why are you telling me this Matt?” he asked again.

Matt shrugged once more in response. “It got you to calm down.” He motioned to Kevin’s now still body. It was true, he had stopped shaking and his mind was a million miles away from Riko. It bothered Kevin a little that Matt knew how to calm him down; that they both, to different degrees, knew that Matt was able to calm Kevin down.

Kevin murmured to him, “I hope you get what you want,” he looked away. “Whatever it is.”

“Thanks,” Matt said. “Come back out with us Kevin, come on, we can watch bad movies, and kick Aaron’s ass at FIFA.”

Kevin couldn’t smile but he nodded, getting up and looking at Matt who was sitting on the bed. “I’m sorry, about the things that have happened to you.”

He could tell his rare show of humanity surprised Matt, it was clear in the way Matt’s eyes widened. “Thanks Kevin. I’m sorry for you too. And we’re going to make Riko sorry, you know that right?”

Kevin couldn’t believe those words, but he nodded anyhow. “Yeah,”

Matt held out his fist. “Merry Christmas Kevin,”

Kevin bumped his fist against Matt’s, nodding at him. “Merry Christmas, Matt.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope you all enjoyed this chapter!
> 
> we are diving into the kings men next chapter! i hope you enjoyed kevin and matt's development; and how matt chose to speak about his relationship. dan and matt mean a lot to me, so no matter how it happens, they would both always know that they love and respect each other
> 
> the history is back! the illiad/ the song of achilles is going to come up again! my obsession with greek myths is bleeding into kevin haha
> 
> thank you for all the lovely comments thus far, i cant stop smiling as i read them. please keep them coming, they make me so god damn happy. i hope you all enjoyed reading this chapter! 
> 
> x


	9. confessions

“Allison,” Kevin said, “Did he hurt you?”  –The King’s Men, Nora Sakavic, 2013

 

* * *

 

Kevin thought he deserved more credit.

He was very strategic in his actions. He waited until Neil, Andrew and Aaron were all gone, knowing Nicky would ask no questions if Kevin slipped out for a moment. He hadn’t gotten the conversation he wanted with her, and was hoping he could have it now. It was long overdue, but anxiety and Andrew’s watchful eye kept him at bay often enough that he never had a chance to speak to her about everything that had happened since Seth death.  

When he knocked on her dorm, it was Dan who answered. Her eyebrows shot upwards, surprise clear on her features. “What are you doing here?” she asked. Her voice was not terribly polite, not that Kevin could blame her. Tensions had been high on the court since Neil’s return and his personal mission to piss everyone off as he tried to mend the team.

“I would like to speak to Allison, alone, please,” he made it his mission to be polite.  Dan still looked confused but let him in anyway, asking him to wait before she went to go get Allison.

There was a lot that had happened since Neil’s return, since his spiral to suddenly deciding to piss off Riko and mouth off to reporters every chance he got. His constant antagonism to Kevin was getting under his skin easily, much too easily—Neil spent three weeks with Riko yes, but his new way of speaking down to Kevin was ill-advised. Breaking away from someone you spent a lifetime with was different than breaking away from someone you spent a month with.

As for what else had gone on between his team, he and Matt were very rocky since Matt found out about Neil’s Christmas stay. Andrew’s sobriety meant he cared even less about the people around him which was one of the reasons why he reacted without much emotion to what he did to Allison. Kevin knew that everyone on the damn team thought he didn’t care, but when he saw Allison on that floor, he had felt so helpless. It was a hard line for the so-called monsters to tread, between Allison having made the first move to Andrew’s reaction. Abuse met with abuse—but as Matt had pointed out, a slap shouldn’t be met with a broken neck.

Allison walked out of her room, looking haughty as usual. Kevin admired Allison very deeply, on an even stronger level than he did Dan. Dan was fierce spirited, but Kevin’s respect for Allison lay with the fact that not only did she hold the court, but she was able to hold someone like Seth up, and not give a damn what anyone thought about her. Not that Dan and Renee cared much either, but Kevin felt like nothing was able to get through Allison’s skin. He wished he could be that thick. Allison didn’t bend for anyone, or anything, which was why she and Seth were so on and off. It was Allison’s way or no way at all.

“What do you want Day?” her voice was clipped and tense, she clearly had no love left for his side of the team, not that he could blame her. He could only hope that it would go away quickly, so they could hold the court together.

Kevin was blunt, just like Allison was. “I do not like abuse.”

Allison stared at him. “What?”

“What Andrew did to you was not right. Regardless of how he thinks, or whatever his brother says, it was not right.”

Her remark was cool as she crossed her arms over her chest. “I know it wasn’t right Kevin. I don’t need a fucking apology from you.”

“He is a part of my team—”

“ _Our_ team—”

“So he is my responsibility.” He finished.

Allison narrowed her eyes. “You keep a shitty leash on him then.”

“I do not imagine I can ever tame him,” Kevin remarked bitterly. “It seems that task has fallen to Neil. I just want you to know, I’m sorry. For Seth dying, for Andrew, for all of it.”

Allison stared at him hard, as though she was trying to decide whether or not she actually believed his words. Without a remark, she turned on her heels and walked to her room. Kevin stood there, dumbstruck before she turned over her shoulder and said, “Follow me,”

Kevin did as he was told, never one to disagree with Allison Reynolds. He walked into her room and sat on a chair from where she pointed. He put his hands on his legs and watched her move around the room. He studied her movements, thinking back to when he had first met her. It was easy to find her pretty, she was well put together, had a nice body and a pretty face. Kevin preferred her after she came off the court—red faced, determined and a little roughed up from her falls. Something about that _natural_ state of her spoke to him. He had fantasized a few times about sleeping with her, but the more he got to know Matt, the more he did not crave any other person.

Considering no one was talking, impatience got the better of Kevin and he muttered, “What am I doing here?”

“You have really pretty eyes,” she said, astounding him. “I want to try something with them. You’re not allowed to say no.”

Kevin closed his mouth and crossed his arms, irritated. He watched her take eyeliner out from her makeup bag and walk up to Kevin. She motioned to his long legs. “Can I?”

“Can you what?”

“Sit on you.”

Kevin stared at her. “I…” he glared at her, the two of them trying to one up each other with their words and actions. Allison was playing a game, Kevin thought, maybe she didn’t believe him. “Fine.” He snapped. If she wanted to play, Kevin would play harder. That’s what he knew how to do.

Allison slid onto Kevin’s lap, tapping Kevin on the forehead with a sharp slap when he didn’t close his eyes right away. He sighed angrily and closed them, allowing Allison to gently begin to take her liquid eyeliner and move it along his eyelids.

“Why are you apologizing on behalf of Andrew?” she asked, her voice hard as ever. Kevin wondered if her voice ever changed, if maybe around Renee there was something softer about her.

Kevin almost shrugged, but refrained, not wanting to be mess up whatever Allison was doing. He did not want to be in this chair longer than he had to. Allison wasn’t heavy, but she was pressed very tightly against him and it made Kevin uncomfortable. “He won’t apologize to you,”

“I know that much.”

“His past is not an excuse for how he treats people,” Kevin snapped.

“Look who’s talking.”

“I’m here, aren’t I?” he growled back. “I’m trying to rectify that.”

“You’re not sorry about Seth,” she said the words so harmlessly, so casually, that that’s what made it worse for Kevin to hear.

That’s what Kevin was waiting for. He pulled his head back and opened his eyes, glaring profusely at her. Allison glared right back, neither one of them faltering in their gazes. “I am,” he disagreed immediately. “I may not have liked him, but that doesn’t mean I’m insensitive to his death.”

“Why say it now?”

“I’m doing my best,” he said again. “I’m trying.” He closed his eyes again so Allison could resume her work, and she did so without a word. He muttered under his breath, “Seeing my team hurt in any way is not ideal. You were hurt with Seth’s death, and Andrew’s violence towards you was unacceptable.”

“What about the violence towards you?” she muttered with a small snort. “You don’t think I don’t remember all those times he took his knives out? He cut you once, Kevin, across your chest.”

“It’s different,”

“Aren’t you tired of being his little bitch?”

“Aren’t you tired of _being_ a bitch?”

“No,” except this time her voice was lighter, and Kevin wondered if maybe she was cracking a small smile. “There, I’m done.” Her body moved up from him fluidly. Kevin watched her grab a small mirror and hold it up to his face. Kevin frowned at his reflection; the lines over his eyes weren’t terribly thick, but they were definitely noticeable. He knew he would have to get it off before Andrew saw him.

“I look—”

“Hot,” Allison finished for him, a smug smile on her face. Kevin glanced up at her, trying to hide his genuine surprise from the word she had chosen to use. “What? So you’re good looking, whatever.”

Kevin didn’t grin, but he let the compliment sit in him. He knew he had fans, some who were _very_ expressive over the internet towards him, but he didn’t think much of it. Hearing it from someone he knew, his own team mate, surprised him. “Thank you,” he mumbled. “So are you.” He offered lamely.

Allison actually let herself grin in his presence. “Wow, you’re not used to this are you?”

“Used to what?”

“Common decency, exchanging compliments and easy conversation.”

Kevin’s face fell. “Maybe you make it just as difficult for me as I do for you.”

“I doubt that,” she sat on her bed and crossed one leg over the other. “You’re good at my game you know.” As she said that she moved so her shorts rode a little higher, showing off more of her thigh.

“I didn’t know we were playing a game,” Kevin lied easily.

Allison didn’t call him out on his lie. She continued to speak as though he hadn’t said a word. “You know, that’s been one of our bets,” she continued easily, eyeing him speculatively. “You and your sexuality. It’s all over the internet, fans wonder about it too.”

“I’m not that interesting,”

“No,” she agreed so easily that Kevin almost laughed. “You’re not. Are you going to tell me if I bet right?”

“No,” Kevin narrowed his eyes. “It’s not your business.”

“Fair enough,” she ran a hand though her hair, her words coming out of her far too carelessly. “Then you should keep your gazes in check when Matt’s around.”

Kevin’s heart stopped in his chest. “What did you say?” his voice was harsher than he had ever heard it. He felt like a snake, spitting out venom to protect himself. Fear crept over him quickly and easily, eating at him from the inside out. He had tried so hard to keep himself together, and if Allison had been able to put it together so quickly, he was not as careful as he thought.

“Relax,” Allison told him. “I see the wheels turning in your head. Your secret is safe with me.”

“Allison—”

“I’ll trade you a secret,” Allison continued. “I’m dating Renee,”

Kevin choked on his previous sentence, shock taking the place of his fear. “What?” he asked, completely and utterly astounded. Not for a moment did he think he would hear those words. His mind was racing with thoughts, of Allison’s knowledge of everything that happened to the people on this team, and yet how she was able to hide her own secrets better than any of them.

Allison shrugged. “It’s going really slow because I still…” she trailed off, and for a moment Kevin saw a flash of sadness in her eyes. She missed Seth so dearly, and Kevin felt a pang of pain and guilt in his chest for her. “Anyway, only Dan and Matt know. Now you know.”

“Why?” he asked.

Allison shrugged. “You said you’re here because you’re trying. This is how I try.”

Kevin nodded slowly. “Allison—”

“I won’t say a word.” She promised. “Not even to Renee.”

“Thank you.”

Allison nodded and waved him away. “You can go now.”

Kevin wiped his hands on his legs and stood up, making to leave, but for a moment he stopped and looked back at her. “Allison,” he said softly. “Are you hurt?” he asked her again, with as much sincerity as he could muster.

Allison didn’t smile, but her answer was genuine. “I’m not hurt.”

“Okay.” He nodded, leaving her behind, shutting the door behind him. He stopped in his tracks when he saw Matt there, his expression tired. “Matt,” he mumbled.

Matt looked like he was about to glare at Kevin, but then he tilted his head, smiling a little. “Are you wearing makeup?”

“What? Oh,” he muttered, embarrassed. “Yes, Allison wanted to try something.”

Matt chuckled lightly and fell silent, the two of them looking at each other. Kevin wanted to apologize to Matt too, for not being able to be real, for not telling him about Neil, for being so mean for so long. He wanted to tell Matt how much he respected him, and liked him, and that he was here because he was trying to fix things but doing it behind Andrew’s back made it hard. He wanted to tell Matt that Exy was important, and an obsession and Kevin put it before Neil because Kevin was property and Kevin _had_ to prove himself on the court that way he could _be_ something.

Matt spoke first, “This team is going to go to shit really quick if you and the monsters don’t pull it together.”

“I’m trying,” he stressed, his hands in front of him like a begging man. “Andrew is not easy to hold back.”

“I know,” Matt sighed, rubbing his neck. “We spoke to Neil a bit, but…I don’t know man.” Words were lost between the two of them, and Matt shrugged. “Look, Dan’s waiting.” He motioned to her bedroom door.

Kevin’s heart sank in his chest. “Of course,” Kevin murmured. He walked quickly past Matt, looking at his feet while he did, before Matt’s hand came out and touched Kevin’s shoulder. Kevin stopped immediately and looked at Matt, his eyes wide and questioning.

Matt’s eyes were soft. “Allison did a good job. It looks nice.”

Kevin’s voice was barely above a whisper. “Thank you.” He walked away, the compliment stacked over the one Allison had given him, and wondered if maybe he should wear eyeliner again when they were done with the championships.

 

* * *

 

 

Kevin stood up when Neil retuned to the lounge. Neil saw the tension in Kevin’s shoulders and the hard line of Kevin’s mouth and knew Kevin was going to put this off until they returned. Kevin glanced at him, then past him at Wymack’s open door, and opened his mouth on an excuse Neil didn’t want to hear. “Don’t do this to him,” Neil said. Kevin hesitated, and Neil knew he’d won. –The King’s Men, Nora Sakavic, 2013

 

* * *

 

“David,” Kevin choked on that word alone, but it was enough for Wymack to look up at him.

Wymack was in his office, having just spoken to Neil, and Kevin closed the door shut behind him, locking it. “Kevin,” he frowned. “What’s wrong with you?” he asked, looking over Kevin’s expression. Kevin didn’t know what he looked like, but he imagined it was not a comforting expression.

“I need to speak with you,” he swallowed. “It’s very important.” The words didn’t sound real as they fell out of his mouth. He couldn’t believe he was doing this, but he knew that it had to be done. Neil was right, Wymack deserved to know, and Kevin had to learn to stand. It was not easy, but it had to be done.

“Alright,” David motioned to the chair in front of him and Kevin took the seat, holding onto the arms of it tightly. He was sure his knuckles were white. He wanted to desperately hold his left hand to his chest, to protect it, but he was trying to break that habit. “You look like you’re going to shit yourself.”

Kevin had to control his breathing as he forced himself to speak. “My mother, you knew her for some time.”

David tensed under the weight of Kevin’s words but he didn’t disagree. “Yes, I knew her.” He crossed his massive arms over his chest and glared at Kevin. “Is there something you want to know about her?”

“No,” Kevin whispered. “But I think there is something that you should know about her.”

“Which is what?”

Kevin swallowed. He would not be a coward. “During my time with Riko, not one moment was pleasurable, despite my strange…attachment to him. There was one moment apart from him though, that made me happy. I found a letter that my mom had written to the Master.”

Wymack’s voice was as unsympathetic as Neil’s. “Don’t call him that.”

“I’m sorry.” He shook his head, flinching. Some habits were hard to break. “In this letter, she spoke about you. She spoke highly of you…it’s why I went to you before I did anything else, after my hand was shattered.”

David’s expression didn’t soften but his tone was struggling to remain calm. Kevin didn’t know what his father was thinking, but wondered if perhaps just the mention of his previous lover was enough to make him as anxious as his son. Wymack was not someone who enjoyed talking about the past, and here Kevin was, bringing it up.

Kevin stared at him hard as the words numbly left him. “The letter said that you…you’re my father.” His voice ended on a crack. He wasn’t quite sure how to react to Wymack now, or what Wymack would do, or how Kevin was supposed to feel. All he could really do was try not to hyperventilate, and sit here with his heart beating so loud he was sure Wymack heard it.

Wymack’s tone was short. “What?”

“You’re…I’m your son.”

David was glaring at him, and Kevin was wondering if Wymack was hoping that this was a lie. If he was searching Kevin’s features to find the parts of them that matched. Kevin already knew those parts—the shape of their eyes, their strong jaws, the fullness of their mouths, Kevin’s broad shoulders.

Finally, after an eternity, David spoke, his voice shaking with fury. “Are you fucking with me?” Kevin shook his head. That’s all it took for David—he raised his fists and smashed them down on his desk, letting out an angry yell and Kevin flinched so hard he almost fell backwards off the chair. Panic tore through him and he immediately unclenched his hands and pressed his left one so hard against his chest he thought he was going to tear a hole through his body. His right hand curled around it and Kevin looked down at them, his body shaking from the sudden outburst from Wymack. Andrew’s quiet violence was one thing—because it was always just a threat. The occasional punches he got from his team always caught him by surprise enough that Kevin never had a chance to panic. When violence was brought to him like this, where he _could_ react, he never reacted well. Even though he knew Wymack wouldn’t hurt him, all he could think about was his hand.

“Kevin, _Kevin look at me right fucking now_.”

Kevin did as he was told, his hand shaking against his chest. He needed a deep drink. Wymack’s eyes were swimming in tears but the man refused to let them fall. “I’m sorry,” Kevin said brokenly, “I’m—”

“Shut up.” David snapped. “Why the fuck didn’t you tell me from the start of it?”

“I don’t know,” Kevin said pathetically. “I didn’t have it in me. Haven’t you heard?” he asked bitterly. “I don’t have a spine.”

“I can’t believe she fucking lied to me,” he spat, pushing himself away from his desk.

Kevin was curious with those words. “You knew she was pregnant?” he asked, a whisper.

David looked at him, almost sadly, but not quite that. “I…at the time, I hoped…I thought…” he sighed angrily. Kevin heard the words even if David didn’t say them—David had hoped that the baby was his.

“Do you wish it was different now, then?” Kevin asked.

“Don’t fucking ask me that.” David snapped angrily. “I’m trying to fucking digest this bullshit.”

“I am not bullshit,” Kevin response was brutal in its tone.

“That’s not what I meant, for fuck’s sake.” He sighed, putting his face in his hands. “Of course I don’t want this to be different.” It sounded like every word was painful for him to say, and Kevin could relate to that. This wasn’t easy, for Kevin to say or for David to hear.

“I’m sorry,” Kevin said again. “If this isn’t…if I’m not…” he wanted to disappear. He felt like he was worth nothing.

David just looked at him again with that strange expression of both anger and sadness and said to him, “You’re Kevin fucking Day,” he motioned to him.

Kevin understood that too—this would cause a shitstorm. “Yes.”

“I need to—”

“Digest?” Kevin asked quietly.

“Yeah,”

Kevin nodded and got up, his body heavy with the weight of the situation. “David,” he croaked. “You made this easier, for whatever it is worth.” He motioned to the scars on his left hand, but David didn’t say anything. They just stared at each other for a moment, Kevin looking at his father, and David looking at the ghost of his past. Without another word to spare between them, Kevin left the office, his heart feeling dead in his chest.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay so ive always wanted an allison x kevin friendship lol 
> 
> they are both very proud people, which i thought why it was fun for them to play this "game" and how only after kevin succeeds in his point of the game does she trust him with a secret, and then shows him he could trust her too. allison is smart, and she knows the team has to stand together--but she also wants to be one step ahead, and because shes angry, she knows that having something over kevin will force him to rely on her (god i love her) (so does kevin)
> 
> i imagined this conversation with wymack and kevin a lot of times, so i hope you like how it turned out. i dont thnk wymack would ever be the type to cry, at least not in front of kevin, but i think the urge would be there, his anger finally turning into that kind of sadness. 
> 
> i put these two together because the kings men is very fast paced, so its hard to flesh out kevin the way i have in the previous chapters; so the scenes are a little shorter, which is why i put two.  
> next chapter we have a MAJOR matt and kevin moment happening
> 
> i hope you all liked the chapter! please keep commenting, its the best part of writing this fic  
> xx


	10. truths

“And it’s too early for the beach. Cabin?” Allison looked poised to argue but thought better of it. “Blue ridge?” “Haven’t been yet,” Matt said, “But I’ve heard they’re awesome.”  –The King’s Men, Nora Sakavic, 2013

 

* * *

 

With a lot of persuasion from Nicky, and much to Kevin’s astonishment, the Foxes had all agreed to play Nicky’s new and improved version of spin the bottle. Kevin hadn’t been shy to hide how dumb he thought the game was, but Allison had told him to shut up, so he did, but crossed his arms over his chest like a child. They were all drunk enough that it would end up being funny, the monsters a little more over the edge than the rest of them, even Neil was drinking.

Since Andrew would never involve himself in something like this, and since his claim to Neil meant something different than what Dan and Matt meant to each other, Andrew wouldn’t be participating. He sat right behind Neil anyhow, close enough for Andrew to touch his back by barely lifting his hand. Neil was playing—but to specific terms, which is why Nicky switched the rules around. Spin the bottle was more than just kissing now, if people who were in couples didn’t feel comfortable kissing other people, they would have to either admit a truth or submit to a dare. Aaron and Neil were the only ones strictly doing truth or dare, while Nicky said he would kiss anyone so long as it wasn’t Neil (for fear of being murdered) or Aaron (for obvious reasons). The upperclassmen had no problems kissing each other, Nicky or Kevin, so it all worked out in the end.

Kevin ended up next to Allison and sitting across from Matt, who was between Dan and Nicky. Nicky leaned forward and placed the empty vodka bottle in the middle of their circle and glanced up at Kevin, winking at him.

“Remember, I can tweak the rules a little more. You’re on my list.”

Renee asked sweetly, “What list?”

Nicky explained as he sat back down. “Erik and I have a list of people we’re allowed to sleep with apart from each other. Celebrities,” he grinned and pointed at Kevin. “We’re allowed three people each, and Kevin is on that list. So if you want to make this into seven minutes of heaven, we can.”

Kevin rolled his eyes. “You wish.”

“I really, _really_ do babe.”

“Don’t call me babe.”

Andrew didn’t say a word about any of this—which, if he was on his medication, and before Neil, he would have. Kevin hadn’t had time to digest that yet; that he didn’t _belong_ to Andrew in the same way anymore. Kevin had leeway to stand on his own, away from Andrew’s watch, and into whatever flirtations and relationships he wanted. Andrew was slowly letting go of every promise, not because he didn’t want to keep them, but because they were all coming to terms with the fact that Kevin was safe, Neil was real, and he had to let go of Aaron. Things were changing, whether Kevin and Andrew wanted to admit that or not.  

“Alright, who’s going first?” Nicky asked.

Allison flipped her hair back and moved forward on her knees. “I’ll go,” she took the bottle and spun it quickly, watching with interest as it fell on Dan. Allison grinned, looking up at Dan, “Truth, dare, or kiss?”

Dan pretended to think about it before she said, “Kiss.”

Kevin flicked a look to Andrew, but he was disinterested. Neil wasn’t even looking at them as they crawled towards each other, their lips meeting. Kevin looked at them, at the easy way they were kissing each other, as though kissing someone else was a terribly simple thing to do. According to Nicky’s rules, the kiss had to last ten seconds, which meant they had to use tongue, and Allison and Dan didn’t hold back on each other. Nicky had to call ‘time’s up’ but not before Allison’s hand had ground itself in Dan’s hair to deepen the kiss.

Kevin’s hands were sweaty.

Kevin pointed at the bottle. “Do we all have to kiss like that?”

Aaron glanced at him. “Is the prince of Exy afraid to make out with someone? I never thought I’d see that day.”

“Fuck you,” Kevin told him. “I’m not afraid to kiss people.”

Nicky grinned. “Yeah Aaron, we all know it’s you who wouldn’t kiss a guy here anyway.”

Aaron didn’t disagree but he glared at Nicky just the same. Aaron’s excuse for not kissing anyone was being in a relationship with Katelyn, but Kevin suspected that even if he wasn’t in a relationship he would have opposed kissing someone of the same gender as himself.

Dan laughed softly, “Guys, this is supposed to be a fun game. Don’t ruin it already.” She gave Allison a wink and added, “That was a good kiss.”

Allison flicked her hair back again and shrugged. “I’m good at what I do.” She cast a sweet look to Renee that people didn’t think twice about, but now Kevin thought about completely different. “Go on Dan,”

Dan spun the bottle next and it landed on Neil. “Alright Neil, truth or dare.”

Neil looked like he was fresh out of truths to give, but Kevin knew him well enough to know that he was not as much of a risk taker as Nicky was to give into a dare. So he said, “Truth,”

Dan tapped her chin and asked him, “What are the chances of you answering something sexual?”

Neil actually grinned a little, “Slim to none.”

Dan laughed cheerily and asked him, “Okay, if you had to do anything else but Exy, what would you do?”

Kevin snorted—as if there was anything but Exy that existed for Neil. There were three truths for Neil in how Kevin saw him; there was the truth of Neil Josten, the truth of Neil and Andrew, and Exy. Maybe not in that order, but those were what existed. Kevin knew he was right when it took Neil a long time to answer.

“I don’t know,” he said finally. “I can’t think of anything else. I know I would travel. I never got to travel, not really, in the way that people do. So I would just want to travel a lot. Maybe go to Australia or something.”

Allison scrunched her nose up. “Don’t they have the biggest spiders in the world there or something?”

Nicky nodded. “There’s something that can eat you on every street corner.”

Neil shrugged. “I like to live on the wild side,” in an effort to make a joke, he pointed at Andrew. “Example one.” He grinned wider when Andrew pinched his side, and Renee looked at them tenderly before they continued the game. Neil reached forward and spun the bottle, it landed on Renee. “Truth or dare?”

Renee contemplated before she answered, “Dare,” which surprised all of them.

Neil frowned, as though he hadn’t been prepared for her to answer that. “Nicky,” he said, in an effort to have help. When Nicky shook his head, leaving it up to Neil, Neil murmured, “Okay, I dare you to kiss Nicky.”

Nicky laughed loudly, his hand on his chest. “You little shithead.”

Neil shrugged. “It’s technically a dare.”

Renee didn’t think twice. She moved to Nicky, taking his chin between her fingers and kissed him deeply. Nicky was surprised but gave in with equal enthusiasm. Kissing was just kissing to Nicky, so he wrapped his arms around Renee and held her close to his body, kissing her deeply. Renee was tiny, so she got lost in the tallness of Nicky’s torso, and when they separated, Allison’s eyes were dark—but Kevin wouldn’t call it anger. Maybe it was lust? Desire?

“My turn,” Renee said easily, spinning the bottle. It landed on Kevin who blushed furiously—he blamed it on the alcohol.

Kevin blurted out, “Dare,” and then regretted that—he should have asked for a truth.

Renee was quick with it too, “I dare you to eat an entire bar of chocolate.”

If it was anyone else, they would have done it easily—but the Foxes knew that Kevin was a very conscious eater. He frowned at her, his mouth twitching as Neil cracked a smile and Nicky howled with laughter. Dan scrambled up to run to the kitchen, getting one of the chocolate bars that Nicky had bought, chucking it at Kevin. He swore when it hit him on his forehead.

“Really?” he asked. “Children,” he muttered, shaking his head.

“Don’t hate the player,” Nicky scolded him. Renee laughed softly.

Aaron was even smiling lightly. “This is going to kill him.”

Kevin shot him a dirty look before unwrapping it and eating it as quickly as he could so as not to keep them all waiting. He ate it and kept his glower on his face, throwing the wrapper in Renee’s direction. She laughed again once more and Nicky shot her an appreciative glance.

“I’ll hike tomorrow to work it off,” Kevin said, more to himself than anyone else.

Dan, who had forgotten her anger with Kevin in favor of the game, waved her hand in dismissal. “Oh, shut up Kevin, it’s all in good fun.”

“It’s extra calories—”

Aaron rolled his eyes and groaned. “Jesus, just spin the bottle Kevin.”

Kevin frowned but did as he was told, reaching forward and spinning the bottle. He watched it with a bored expression before it slowly came to a stop, directly in front of him.

On Matt.

Kevin didn’t remember what it meant to speak. He looked up, trying to find his voice, trying to calm himself down long enough to remember that Matt might not even choose kiss at all. Kevin cleared his throat, avoiding the intense gazes of Allison and Nicky. He was not at all comfortable at doing this in front of Andrew—but Kevin could only guess that since people had the choice to go through with an act of kissing, that it made it okay for him to be around.

“Kevin?” Matt called.

Kevin was jolted by the sound of his voice, and he looked up at Matt. The words were hard when they came out of his mouth, his heartbeat in his ears, his blood racing. He felt like he was stepping onto the court, adrenaline rushing through him. “Truth, dare, or kiss?”

Andrew murmured something to Neil, getting up, taking out a cigarette and leaving the room. Neil almost followed, but didn’t, for some odd reason. Kevin wished he cared a little more, but all he could see was Matt, sitting across from him, in a tight dark t-shirt and shorts, with his hair un-styled, looking more like the domestic Matt he had seen in New York.

Matt grinned at Dan before looking at Kevin, “Kiss.”

Kevin was sure his heart stopped. He definitely knew he couldn’t move. He stayed sitting, trying to will himself to move so that his team mates didn’t suspect too much from him. Nicky was looking between the two of them like an idiot, but Allison, God bless her, came to save him.

“Matt, he’s too drunk to move,” she said lazily. “Go to him.”

Matt grinned further, rolling his eyes pretending that it bothered him. He got up, staggering just a little but gained his balance, walking over to Kevin and kneeling in front of him. Kevin felt ridiculous, he was trying to hard to summon up the courage to lean in and take what he was allowed to take in this moment. But this was Matt, Matt who he fantasized about endlessly, who he was falling so hard for and didn’t know how to stop. Matt who was so handsome, and so good and so kind, and it bothered Kevin that this was his first kiss with Matt but he also didn’t care about it in the slightest.

“Okay?” Matt asked.

Kevin nodded. He swallowed the lump that he was sure was his heart in his throat, and finally _moved_ —he saw a quick smile on Matt’s lips and saw his eyes move down to Kevin’s mouth. Kevin’s heart was fluttering like a hummingbird’s wings, and he leaned in, closing the distance, and Matt leaned in too and suddenly—

_Everything made sense._

It was beautiful, and everything Kevin had ever imagined. It was a kiss that reached all over Kevin’s body, moving inside him and taking him apart. Kevin moved closer, deepening the kiss, his body shaking with intense desire from what he had wanted for so long. Kevin wanted to touch him but didn’t want to give himself away—which was why he sighed into the kiss when Matt’s hand moved to Kevin’s neck to keep him steady; he must have felt Kevin shaking. His hand was a comfortable weight on his neck and Kevin’s need for him heightened.

When Kevin felt Matt’s tongue brush against his with a little more force, taking control of the kiss completely, Kevin gasped and Matt grinned, and somehow the combination of the two broke the spell.

They stared into each other’s eyes, Matt still holding Kevin’s neck and Kevin breathing like he had just ran laps around the court.

“Wow,” Nicky mumbled. “That was hot.”

That was what Matt needed to come back to himself, apparently. He grinned a little again, but something was different in his eyes as he moved back to his spot, throwing a look to Dan that Kevin couldn’t understand. Kevin was in shock, his body humming with desire, not paying the least bit attention to Matt spinning the bottle and having it land on Aaron. He had no idea what transpired, if Aaron answered truth or dare.

Kevin’s lips burned; he wanted to touch his lips to see if there was a mark from where Matt had touched him. He had to force himself to engage in the rest of the game for the rest of it, trying not to think about the heat in his body that Matt left him with. 

 

* * *

 

Not surprisingly, Kevin couldn’t sleep.

He was sharing a bed with Nicky, which wasn’t as scary as Aaron had made it sound. Nicky was a lot of talk, he didn’t make any passes at Kevin. He kissed him tenderly on the cheek, before sleep took him and Kevin did his best but decided to go sit in front of the television hoping that the noise would put him to sleep. When he got there though, someone was already occupying it.

“Oh,” Kevin murmured, Matt looking up at him and smiling lightly. “Sorry, I’ll just—”

“No, no,” Matt said quickly, clearing his throat. “It’s okay, I was just about to go to bed.” Except neither one of them moved, and they just continued to stare at each other awkwardly. “Hey, you okay, by the way? No one really asked you, after you told Coach about you being his son.”

The question caught Kevin completely off guard. He didn’t know whether or not it was safe for him to move, or if Matt was going to get up from the couch, so Kevin remained where he was. “I’m okay,” he mumbled. “I don’t know.”

Matt nodded, “Dan will get over it.”

“I don’t care how Dan feels about me.” That was a half of a lie—he cared, but not about this. This was his problem with Wymack, something that existed in their personal lives, not for the team. Matt seemed to understand that, but there was a tightness in his eyes.

“What do you care about Kevin?” Matt asked seriously. “Don’t tell me it’s just Exy.”

Kevin answered him as honestly as he could, “I don’t know what you want me to say.”

“I don’t know either anymore.” Matt murmured, more to himself than to Kevin. “If I asked you for a truth, would you give it?” he asked, his voice almost desperate.

Kevin felt his blood run cold. “That depends on what truth you want.”

“I already played this game with Neil,” Matt almost snapped. “I’m tired of half-truths. Give me something real.”

“I already gave you something real today.” Kevin retorted angrily. He knew the weight of his words, what they meant, and knew Matt understood them from the way his eyes widened. Silence settled between them, Matt contemplating what that meant for them, and Kevin finally standing his ground with something important to him. It was not a complete admission to how he felt, but it was still giving Matt an answer. He asked for a truth and Kevin gave it to him; he would lie to keep himself safe, to survive, but with the night blanketing him and making him brave, he wanted to undo one piece of himself, and give it away.

Matt brought a thumb up to touch his bottom lip, running it along from one side to the other. “I don’t know what to say.”  Kevin hoped he had left the weight of his lips on Matt the same way Matt had done to Kevin.

Kevin answered quietly, “I didn’t ask you to say anything.”

Matt considered that, but added softly, “I’m with Dan.” It was helpless, apologetic. Kevin didn’t know if it meant _‘I’m with Dan and I love her’_ , or if it meant _‘if things were different, maybe it could happen’ or_ if it was a strange combination between the two. Kevin knew Matt would not end his relationship with Dan, nor was Kevin he kind of person to ask him to.

“I know.” Kevin said quietly.

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t fucking apologize,” Kevin put up a hand. “I don’t want to hear that.”

Matt shrugged. “I am anyway, more than you know.”

Kevin couldn’t sleep, but he couldn’t stay standing here any longer either. He tore his gaze away from Matt and headed back to his room with Nicky, breathing in and out at an unsteady pace. When he made it to the room, he shut the door a little too loudly, his breath catching in his chest. Nicky woke with a startled jolt and it took him a moment to get grounded before he flipped on the light, squinting, and looking over at Kevin. When he realized Kevin was trying to avoid a panic attack, Nicky’s eyes softened.

“Come to bed Kevin,” Nicky whispered, holding out his hand. Kevin couldn’t take it. Nicky sighed and got out of his bed, walking over and grabbing Kevin’s arm, leading him to the bed, pushing him in. Kevin was working on his breathing, but he didn’t argue, he didn’t resist when Nicky turned off the light and curled his body around Kevin, keeping them close. It was easy to give in when the darkness settled, and Nicky’s breathing and secure hold on him finally took Kevin to sleep—but his dreams were filled with Matt Boyd’s smile, and it did nothing to ease Kevin’s pain.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I HOPE YOU LIKED THIS CHAPTER
> 
> i loved this one, it's one of my favourites, because in the timeline of kings men, its right before kevin goes off on the press. so kevin is becoming more and more comfortable with taking his life back, and thats what he did here, even though he knew it would hurt him. their exchange at the end is my favourite, about truths and being real. 
> 
> so right now matt techincally rejected kevin, but obviously its eventually going to change; i hope youre all liking how its developing anyhow, the time its taking, the understanding with matt, and their very, very strange relationship. 
> 
> theres one chapter left within the canon storyline of kings men and then we move on to post tkm. thank you for all the comments, keep them coming :) 
> 
> for those of you worried about dan, dont worry, i have a storyline for her too. xx


	11. moreau

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trigger warnings;
> 
> mentions of suicide  
> mentions of rape  
> self harm

“We’re safe, for good.” Jean made a terrible sound and buried his face in his hands. Kevin opened his mouth, closed it again, and flicked a haunted look down to Jean. Neil waited, but neither man seemed able to react beyond that. Finally he slid off the bed and left them to each other’s questionable comfort. –The King’s Men, Nora Sakavic, 2013

 

* * *

 

 

“Kevin,” Jean croaked.

Kevin looked over at him, at the mess that was Jean Moreau. He ached for him, how he looked right now, and the abuse he suffered under Riko’s hand for so many years. Kevin knew every scar on Jean’s body, and every scar within his mind. If there was a way to undo it all, he would have, but he knew that he could never get to do such a thing. When Kevin didn’t have it in him to say respond Jean murmured,

“You have to win.”

Kevin looked away and touched his bottom lip with his thumb. “I know.” He murmured. “And you need to get out.”

Jean choked on a laugh. “Where exactly do you want me to go Kevin?” his tone was laced with bitterness. Kevin couldn’t blame him, Jean couldn’t just pick up and leave like Kevin had done.

“Jeremy Knox,” Kevin didn’t miss a beat. Jean at the Foxes was something he couldn’t deal with and he knew Jean would not want. Regardless of the fact that he had a soft spot for Renee, the antagonism between he and Neil would put the team back in a place that the Foxes could not afford it to be in. Worse still, Kevin did not think he and Jean were ready to play on a team together again. Jeremy Knox captained the Trojans, Kevin’s favorite team, and if he had to put someone like Jean anywhere, it would be with the team that was the complete opposite of the Ravens in every way.

Jean looked over at him. “The Trojans?” he asked, a whisper, but Kevin did not miss the hint of hope with those two words.

“Jeremy would not say no,” Kevin said slowly. “He and I have always been on good terms, he would hear me out and not turn me away.”

Jean contemplated that, but didn’t make any mention of it. His lack of disagreement made Kevin assume that Jean’s silence was his consent to speak to Jeremy. They both knew that they had to get Jean away from the Ravens, and now that Neil had words with the Moriyama’s, they would be able to take better charge and wouldn’t have to hide Jean away like they had been doing up until now.

Since Jean was not breaking the silence between them, Kevin did, being completely unable to stand it. “I’m sorry,” he whispered, switching to French. It made his apology more intimate—their stolen conversations in French in the Nest were some of the only good memories Kevin had from his time with the Ravens. Riko had never taken to it, but it was the way Kevin and Jean had found solace under the watchful eye of Riko and his abuse. “Leaving you behind like I did, it was the lowest thing I could have done to you. I just did not see a way out, and once Riko took my hand…”

Jean put up a hand, wincing from the movement as he asked Kevin to be silent. “I know why you left.”  That wasn’t an acceptance of his apology, but Kevin suspected it would take them a long time to make a bridge between their broken relationship.

Kevin chewed the inside of his lip, murmuring quietly, “I’m sorry for more than just leaving.”

“Don’t,” Jean spat, anger flaring up behind his eyes easily. “Don’t talk to me about that.”

“Jean,” Kevin whispered.

“I said no,” his anger was nearly contagious, his face was screwed in pain—and it could have been from his physical injuries or his mental scars. “You…what you did to me was…” he sighed angrily, and almost looked like he was about to hurt himself, raising his hand to his already bruised face, so Kevin did the first thing he thought of and held Jean’s hand quickly. Jean stared at it like he was looking at a ghost, before he said in a voice barely above a whisper, “You didn’t want to do it.”

“No,” Kevin confirmed. “Not like that.”

That gave Jean another pained look in his eyes. Kevin admitting that he wanted Jean, confirming Jean’s thoughts was both a blessing and a curse. It did nothing to ease Jean’s pain, but it answered the question of their almost relationship that had blossomed in the Nest. “You were raped too, Kevin.” Jean took his hand back, not missing Kevin’s flinch. The words had venom laced beneath them.

It was true, Kevin knew that. Just because he was the one doing the penetrating, that didn’t mean he wasn’t forced into it. He had been forced to watch the other times too, when it had happened outside of Kevin—all because Riko was jealous. All because he had walked in on Kevin and Jean, kissing, when they were discovering themselves, and who they liked, and Riko had chosen to use it against him. It was far beyond Riko just being homophobic, it was showing who was in positions of power, and who Kevin belonged to. It was showing Jean he had crossed every line Riko had lain out for him. Neither boy would forget the way it had happened, the pain in Jean’s face when he had to struggle.

Kevin blinked away tears that he desperately wanted to let fall. “I…” he swallowed. He had to force the words out, reminding himself that this was _Jean,_ and in the entire world, Jean knew more about him than anyone else did. They had bared their hearts to each other a long time ago, and even though they would never be able to be at that place ever again, that did not mean that between the two of them, they did not trust each other anymore. Jean knew Kevin’s heart would always have a spot for him, and Kevin suspected it was the same for Jean. “I think I may have loved you.” Kevin admitted.

Jean looked like the words had a physical effect on him.  He flinched lightly, closing his eyes to regain himself before he was able to speak. “Then why did you leave me?” he asked, his voice shaken with sorrow.

Kevin looked over at Jean, raising his hand to wipe away a tear away from Jean’s eye. Jean looked like he wanted to slap Kevin’s hand away, but he either didn’t have the physical strength to do so or thought better of it. Jean knew less love than Kevin did, at least Kevin had the Foxes—had Nicky. Jean had nothing once Kevin had left, he had less than Kevin to even begin with. It was not easy for him to accept affection, but Kevin seemed to forever be the exception to his rule.  

“I’m sorry,” Kevin told him. “If I would have taken you with me, I would have gotten you killed.”

Jean was never one to lie, so when he spoke, Kevin knew he was telling the truth. “Do you know I have a plan to kill myself anyway?” he said bitterly.

Kevin stilled and moved closer to Jean, ever so gently touching his face, turning so that they were staring into each other’s eyes. Jean’s eyes reminded Kevin of death, ghosts of his past swimming in them, the pain of his current state and his constant abuse giving him a terrifyingly apathetic expression. “Jean,” he shook his head. “You must not.”

“Do not tell me what to do.” Jean put his hand over Kevin’s and gently lowered it. “You gave up that right when you left me there.”

“If you do not think I did not miss you, or regret that every day, you are sorely mistaken.” Kevin told him, trying to keep his anger in check. “Would you be that selfish to take yourself away from me?” he knew it was not the right thing to say, but he could not help himself. He knew that a person taking themselves away from this world was not about weakness, or being selfish—Jean was the strongest person Kevin knew. Yet that is what fell from him, because the idea of losing Jean was too painful for Kevin to process.

Jean’s expression went from apathy to pure rage. “Do not talk to me, about what is selfish, Kevin.”

“Please do not leave me,” Kevin begged. “Don’t.”

“Give me a reason to stay.”

“You have to find your own reason, Jean. Let Jeremy help you. Let Jeremy give you a reason, let him give you Exy back.”

Jean stared at Kevin hard, trying to search for something in Kevin’s eyes. “Did you mean it? What you said?”

Kevin didn’t have to ask Jean to clarify. “Yes.”

Jean nodded slowly. “I think I loved you too.” He whimpered, and this time, because it was just the two of them, Jean _did_ raise his hand and put it over Kevin’s face. He leaned forward, their foreheads touching. Kevin didn’t move in, and neither did Jean. This was enough—anything more would simply break their hearts.

Jean pulled back and looked away. “Speak to Jeremy,” he allowed. “For now, I’d like to be alone.”

Kevin nodded and got up. Before he made it to the door, Jeremy called his name, and Kevin turned, staring at him.

Jean shrugged and looked at him sadly. “I hope you got what you wanted with them.”

Kevin thought of Wymack’s strong personality holding up the Foxes, Allison’s strange friendship, Matt’s smile, and Nicky’s everlasting love. Kevin didn’t want to rub in what he had, so instead he responded, “You will get that with Jeremy.” It was a promise, and with that, he left Jean to his thoughts.

 

 

* * *

 

Neil was the one who told Kevin that Riko had been murdered.

He was not terribly kind with his words or his delivery, and chose to say it to Kevin in front of the entire team. The only person who wasn’t there was Wymack, but Kevin couldn’t focus on who was around him or what they were saying. All he could think about was Neil’s words—blood, a gun, death. Kevin’s heart sank down to his stomach, as a strange array of emotions hit him like a brick. The world seemed to tilt sideways with the knowledge, Nicky was saying something, but he still couldn’t process what Neil had said.

Kevin blindly moved for the bottle of vodka, stumbling towards the bathroom, locking himself inside. He stared in the mirror, putting his hand over his cheek to cover the queen tattoo. He stared at himself for a very long time, before undoing the cap of the bottle, and deciding to drink until he forgot who he was. The burn was a pleasant and familiar feeling, it was something Kevin knew and welcomed.

It didn’t take long for Kevin to submit to the feeling of the alcohol. He didn’t even have it in him to panic. Greif took him easily, and so did shame. He had no right to feel this way, after the abuse he had suffered, and yet here he was, locked in the bathroom on the floor, drinking himself away because he had lost a brother.

Kevin closed his eyes and saw Riko’s face, over and over and over. He wouldn’t go away, and Kevin didn’t know how to get rid of a ghost. He didn’t know which was worse—having Riko alive and Kevin always watching his back, or having Riko dead and Kevin having to deal with someone haunting him. He had only just found his bearings on the court, he had only just decided to be first. Now he was expected to deal with his former brother being murdered.

Kevin choked on a sob as he took another long swing of his alcohol. _You piece of shit,_ Kevin scolded him, _if the others saw you now, they would think you were scum._

The burn of the alcohol poisoned him, and he welcomed it. He contemplating calling Jean, but couldn’t see the numbers on his phone properly. He shot it at the door, grinned stupidly as it broke. It was just as well, it matched how he felt on the inside.

Kevin forced himself up from the ground, he was vaguely aware of the fact that someone was calling his name from the other side of the door. He thought it sounded like Nicky but he couldn’t be sure. Someone mentioned Wymack, but Kevin didn’t care about that either. He finished off the rest of the bottle and glanced at himself in the mirror again. He brought a finger up and traced the number two lazily over his features. Then he brought the bottle up and smashed it against the glass without even blinking.

“Kevin?” a frantic voice called from the other side. “Kev, baby, let me in.” it was Nicky—no one else called him Kev, or baby. “Hey, come on, please?”

Kevin didn’t do anything, but he did grab a piece of glass from the sink, gripping the broken bottle piece between his fingers. He tried to move away but instead fell limply to the ground, his stomach protesting from all the moving he was doing. Forcing himself to see through his blurry visioned state, he hiked up his shorts until he reached his upper thigh, pressing the glass against his skin, carving a number two into his skin.

Kevin didn’t register the pain.

He was so far gone he couldn’t feel anything.

He didn’t even flinch when someone broke the door open with the weight of a violent kick. He lifted his head, smiling at David Wymack who folded himself on the ground, grabbing Kevin’s bloody hand; he had gripped the glass too hard, and he looked over Kevin with a frantic look in his eyes.

“Kevin,” Wymack whispered.

“Jesus Christ,” Nicky said from the doorway. He tried to back up but backed up hard into Matt, who had all three girls standing right behind him.  Andrew forced his way through, his expression disinterested, and demanded with an angry tone that Kevin get up or else he would kill him.

Matt’s look to Andrew was terrifying. “That is not what he needs to hear right now you fucking asshole.”

Andrew glanced at him. “I don’t remember asking you to speak.”

Wymack’s temper snapped. “Both of you shut the fuck up. Neil, get Andrew out of here. All of you leave.”

“I’m not leaving,” Nicky pushed forward, pushing Kevin’s hair away from his face.

Kevin looked at Nicky, but he couldn’t register too much of what was happening. Not even the blood on his hand did anything to bother him, which normally would have sent him into an overblown panic attack all on its own. “Nick,” he slurred adoringly.

“Hey,” Nicky whispered. “Hey buddy.”

Wymack took every piece of glass away from Kevin and chucked it in the sink. “Matt,” he barked. “Clean that shit up.”

Matt didn’t miss a beat, he got to work immediately, fear and sadness etched in every line of his face. Kevin looked up at him, opening his mouth to speak, but Nicky turned Kevin’s face towards him, shaking his head.

“No Kevin,” he said. “Not right now.”

Kevin didn’t understand what Nicky meant, or why he was saying it, but he listened anyhow. He looked down at his bleeding thigh and tried to make sense of it, of what he had done, but all he could say was, “He’s dead.” He laughed, more to himself than anyone else. “All this, and he’s just dead.”

Wymack’s face was fierce, he looked around him and then grabbed for the towel, wrapping it around Kevin’s leg. “He was a piece of shit Kevin, and he treated you like garbage.”

“Maybe I am,” Kevin chuckled. “Where did my tattoo go?” he asked, clawing at the towel. “Let me see it.”

“No,” Wymack told him. “We have to get you bandaged up. You’re hurt, and your face is a mess, one of the shards cut your cheek. I’m surprised you didn’t fucking feel that either with your tears burning into it.”

Kevin, asked, “I’ve been crying?”

Something dangerous flashed in Wymack’s eyes, and Kevin reached forward, his left hand touching Wymack’s face. No one moved—Kevin barely registered that the Foxes were still watching him, the only ones who had listened to his motion to leave were the Minyards, Neil, Renee, and Dan. Matt had cleaned up but remained, Nicky was glued to his side, and Allison hung in the doorway.

Kevin moved his hand over Wymack’s face, like he was trying to memorize the shape of it through his drunken state. “I don’t deserve you either.”

“Either?” Wymack snapped.

“They’re all dying David,” Kevin laughed again, trying to get up and failing. He winced when he fell back down, and Nicky scrambled for a secure hold on Kevin, keeping Kevin to his chest. “My mom, my brother,” he closed his eyes and saw Riko again; he saw them holding hands on the court like brothers, he remembered every whisper of hate and abuse Riko tore at him, and the few times he told him he loved Kevin. He remembered the weight of Riko’s foot on his hand, and the weight of his body the first time Riko hugged him. “Are you going to die on me too?”

“No, you little shit,” David told him.

Allison’s stone cold sober voice was stronger than any of theirs. “And you’re right, you didn’t deserve Riko. You deserved better.”

David nodded in agreement, looking over to Matt. “Matt, pick him up, Nicky go prepare his bed.”

“Matthew,” Kevin cooed, taking his hand away from Wymack’s face, laughing. “Matt Boyd here to save the god damn day again.”

Something almost like sadness tugged at Matt’s features but his expression remained cool and calm. Nicky did as he was told, running to Kevin’s bedroom to prepare it for him, while David got up and took out his phone, calling Abby. He handed Allison the phone quickly, and she took it, walking into the main room, jabbering away quickly. Matt leaned down and put one of Kevin’s arms around his neck.

“I’ve got you,” he told Kevin. Kevin couldn’t help himself, he leaned into Matt, grinning at him. Matt was so _strong_ , Kevin wanted to lean on him forever.

Kevin grasped Matt’s shirt as he tried to get up. “You always do, don’t you? Always there to pick us up.” He muttered, trying to steady himself. His hand shot out when he was upright before he grabbed Wymack’s bicep, looking at the tile floors and the blood that spattered them.

“Kevin?” Matt asked.

Kevin let go of both of them and fell to his knees, grasping the toilet and hurling into it painfully. Matt didn’t say anything but David swore loudly enough for the both of them, shouting something to Nicky in the process. Kevin didn’t care, he couldn’t think far past beyond the pain of losing Riko, and the shame of missing him. He knew he shouldn’t, he knew he should move on like everyone else was doing, but what did someone do when they grieved the person who said they loved him—the person who maybe, once upon a time, _did_ love him?

Kevin pressed his sweaty forehead to the floor when he slipped back down, curling his knees towards his chest. “Leave me alone,” he whispered to Riko, who was behind his eyelids.

Wymack seemed to know that Kevin wasn’t talking to him. “He can’t hurt you anymore Kevin.”

“Leave me alone,” Kevin whispered. His bloody right hand lay limp on his side, and he still brought his left one to his chest, cradling it against him. His thigh was beginning to ache.

 “Leave me alone, leave me alone, leave me alone.” Kevin repeated those words against the floor until exhaustion took him, the last thing he felt were Wymack’s hands running through his hair.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope you liked this very sad and intense chapter.
> 
> things are going to turn a little lighter within the next chapters, but we will be revisiting kevin's feelings towards riko's death. theres going to be a lot of matt content coming up and a lot of wymack content. 
> 
> i hope you liked the "ive been crying" line--it was a direct call back to the very first chapter
> 
> also v important: the next five days are going to be extremely busy, i work and ill be out of town so i dont know how fast ill get a chapter out. but i will definitely do my best!
> 
> we're officially done the kings men storyline! we never saw kevins reaction so this is my take on it. thank you for all the comments thus far, theyve been seriously making me so happy, keep them coming. im so glad you are all enjoying this story as much as i enjoy writing it.


	12. funeral

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> triggers: mentions of self harm

It was barely seven in the morning, and Kevin was trying very, very hard to relax.

It was the day of the funeral today, and more than anything he did not want to deal with it. He was laying on the ground of the Foxhole court, his hands splayed out against the concrete, trying to remember what it meant to exist in his whole body. Three very long days had passed since they had won the championships, since Riko had died, since Kevin had pressed a shard of glass against his skin and carved the number two into his skin.

He had locked himself in Abby’s house as a result of it when he had nursed himself back to health from his hangover. Going to Wymack’s was too domestic for either of them, he couldn’t bear to look Andrew in the face, and being in the dorms in general meant that he would be under the eye of every Fox who didn’t trust him enough to stay sober.

Which he couldn’t.

He had swiped vodka to his room at Abby’s that second night too, but Wymack threatened to bench him for an unlimited amount of time if he didn’t give it up. With a lot of fighting, Kevin had agreed to give up the vodka, but his grief and depression was bringing him further down than he anticipated. He barely had the energy to speak to Nicky, whom he only called once to wish him a happy trip back to Germany, answered a text from Allison, and one talk with Jean to inform him of Riko’s death. He had taken it much better than Kevin did, the pain of his entire life giving him only ease and satisfaction at the news of Riko’s passing. Unlike his team mates however, Jean knew very well the confusing pain that Kevin was in and did not take it lightly.

As for Matt, Kevin chose to avoid him completely. Matt had tried both calling and texting but Kevin’s mental state was too fragile for him to trust himself with answering. Giving into Matt Boyd in this state was almost like admitting defeat—something that really made no sense at all in the reality of it, but to Kevin and his anxiety, made perfect sense.

Kevin’s thigh still ached, he didn’t need stiches which was comforting, his wound would eventually fade and be forgotten, but shame pricked at Kevin regardless. This was not something he did, rarely ever. He had chosen always to take alcohol once he met Andrew to drown his sorrows, and only one time at the Nest did he purposely hurt himself. He refused to do it again, forcing himself to make a mental promise to himself never to hit that point. People were allowed to slip, he reminded himself, what was important was that he chose to get back up.

“Just when I thought you could not be more pathetic,” a horribly monotone voice took him away from his buzzing thoughts.

Kevin frowned and forced himself to open his eyes. Andrew Minyard was staring down at him with a bored expression. “Andrew,” he mumbled.

“Get up.”

“I thought we were done with you telling me what to do.”

Andrew leaned down, his hand snaking around Kevin’s throat, not enough to hurt him but enough for Kevin to feel pressure. “I thought you finally grew a spine.”

Kevin glared at him, slapping his hand away. “Fuck you.”

“That’s my job,”

Kevin rolled his eyes as he pushed himself up, throwing an annoyed look to Neil Josten who was standing a few steps away. He had a cigarette between his lips, his hands in his pockets. “You better still be able to run on my court by the time we come back to practice.” Kevin scolded him.

Neil glanced at him, almost smirking. “I could outrun you here and now Kevin.”

“When your lungs give out, you won’t be so smug.” He got up fully, standing and brushing off what small dirt there was lingering on his clothes. He was wearing all black, but not a suit, just a buttoned down dress shirt. He was extremely uncomfortable, he hated formal clothes but he knew that in a funeral he could not very well wear what he liked.

“Neil and I leaving,” Andrew told him.

Kevin, honestly shocked asked, “You’re not coming to the funeral?”

“No,” Andrew stared at him as though Kevin should have already known that. “I don’t need to waste my time for someone like him.”

“Did you not think perhaps, that it wasn’t about Riko?”

Neil paused on his inhale, his eyes narrowing. “Did you want us to come for you?” he asked seriously, not antagonizing, but enough that he found it curious. “Look at who you are grieving for Kevin.”

“I know exactly who I’m grieving for.” Kevin spat. “Don’t talk down to me Josten.”

“Why not?” he asked seriously. “You talk down to me all the time.”

“How I train you and how you choose to perceive me are two very different things.” He shot an angry look towards Andrew. “If you’re going, then go. I don’t have time for this.” He made to look away but Andrew’s arm shot out and grabbed him. Before Kevin could say anything, Andrew’s free hand pressed against Kevin’s cut through his pants—Kevin felt the burn but refused to wince.

Andrew’s voice was stone. “Coward.”

Kevin did not break. “Fuck. You.” He snarled, ripping himself away from Andrew. He walked away from the court, from Andrew and Neil, without looking back.

 

* * *

 

The funeral was probably one of the strangest things Kevin had ever experienced. In the moment, Kevin had barely been able to process what was going on around him. It had been oddly formal, even for a funeral, and people kept touching Kevin and saying things that he did not want to hear. How much they had missed him, or how much Riko loved him. Kevin felt himself slipping into the lies, believing all of it, but what brought him back each and every time was a gentle touch from a solid force he had to lean on.

Much to Kevin’s gratitude, his father had gone with him. Kevin suspected that his reaction to everything around him would have gone much worse if not for Wymack interfering every time he saw Kevin was about to break. When Riko’s elder brother gave a speech about the love and worth of Riko, Wymack had to grab Kevin’s hand. Kevin hadn’t understood why until he had looked down at his hand, realizing what he had been trying to do even while Wymack’s hand clamped down on his. Kevin had begun to trace the number two into his thigh, right over where he was injured. For the rest of the funeral, Wymack kept his hand over Kevin’s, while Kevin stared at the urn filled with Riko’s ashes.

It was a strange thing, to feel so much sadness for a person who was so easily taken away. Mortality was a terribly fleeting thing, Kevin thought as Wymack directed him away from the procession at the end of it. They could all be wiped out easily, Riko’s death reminded him of that.

They were in the car, driving from the airport back to Abby’s house. Kevin was exhausted; a funeral and two flights in one day were enough to send him spiraling into a sleep session for a week. More than that, his mind had officially felt like it had been wiped out. He was too tired to even properly be anxious, which he knew he would have been if he had slept enough the previous night, or at all during the day.

“Where are we going?” Kevin asked, his finger pressing against the glass as David missed the exit.

“For a drive.” David answered him blandly.

Kevin frowned and looked over at him. “Can we get a drink?”

“No.”

Kevin sighed angrily, crossing his arms. “Where are we going?” he asked again, just to do it on purpose to act like a child.

“Patience runs real fucking slim with you.”

“I wonder where I get _that_ from.”

“Watch it,”

Kevin put his head back against the seat, looking back out the window, sighing again but a little lighter. His heart felt heavy from the day, he really just wanted to curl into bed and let sleep take him under. “I’m tired.”

“I know.”

“David?”

“What Kevin?”

“Thank you,” he said seriously. Kevin was aware that no one, including himself, thanked David Wymack enough for what he did. He put his ass on the line more than once for every member of the Foxes, and his understanding and support was everlasting. It stood true even today. Wymack didn’t have to follow Kevin to West Virginia for the funeral, but he did anyhow. “For everything. For today especially. I don’t know if I could have…just, thank you.”

Wymack didn’t look at him but Kevin noticed the way his knuckles tightened over the steering wheel. “You’re welcome,” he mumbled, pulling into a parking lot. “Give me a second.”

Kevin looked ahead and frowned. They were in front of an ice cream shop that Kevin didn’t know the name of, and shook his head immediately. “I can’t have ice cream it’s—”

“Shut up,” Wymack responded, leaving him inside the car.

Kevin watched him go and sighed in annoyance when his phone buzzed. He reached for it in his pocket and looked down at it. It was a message from Matt and it said,

_Are you at Abby’s yet?_

Kevin quickly responded, _No_ _why?_

But whether Matt responded or not Kevin didn’t know, the door had opened and he had a cup of ice cream being shoved into his hands, so his phone dropped to the ground. Kevin looked over, and to his surprise, Wymack had a very soft expression on his features.

“It’s Greek frozen yogurt,” Wymack pointed at the cup. “It’s as healthy as it gets. It’s almost like you’re not eating anything.”

Kevin murmured a quick thanks and took a bite, not realizing until that moment just how hungry he was. For quite some time, they ate in silence, the two of them just basking in the darkness of the parking lot. Kevin felt a little nervous, like he was supposed to do or say something important to Wymack, like thank him again.

“We’re going to do our best, Kevin,” Wymack said abruptly.

Kevin paused, lowering his spoon and setting it down gently. “I don’t understand.”

“You and me,” he explained. “This relationship, what we are, it’ll work itself out. You’ll piss me off, and I’ll piss you off, but we’re going to do our best.”

Kevin, truly astounded stared at Wymack for a really long time before he found the courage to speak. “I…” he cleared his throat, looking at his frozen yogurt. “I’m sorry, if I’m difficult.” He shook his head, his eyes burning with tears. He was so, _so_ tired. “What you saw me do the other night, that is not something I wanted you to see.”

“Kevin, that shit can’t happen.”

“I know.” He whispered.

“Do I have to be worried?”

Kevin almost said yes. That he should have been worried the moment Kevin started using vodka to drown himself just enough that he was able to be brave, able to stand, able to be human. Instead, he whispered even lower, “No,” and didn’t know whether or not it was a truth.

“Okay,” Wymack accepted that with an edge to his tone; he was taking it with a grain of salt. “Ready to go home?”

“Yeah,”

Wymack nodded and started the car, Kevin resumed his eating and they proceeded in a comfortable silence all the way back to Abby’s house. The entire ride there, Kevin held back his tears and forced himself to keep them at bay once again. One day, he told himself, he would have to lock himself in a room, completely sober and allow himself to cry. It would be awful, and it would hurt, but Kevin needed to feel some kind of relief from all this pain that was collecting in his body. It was driving him insane, infecting his mind with depressing thoughts, and he needed to find a way to let go of everything. Of his hand, of Riko, of the self-hate he had inside of himself. Of what happened with Jean.

And Riko.

Riko, Riko.

Riko.

When they got to Abby’s, Kevin had to force himself out of the car, stretching out his limbs and frowning when he saw Matt’s truck and a car he didn’t recognize in front of Abby’s house. He was not in the mood to deal with people, much less Matt Boyd. Kevin was not in the right state to manage anything at all, but Matt heightened his emotions, and Kevin could not trust himself because of that.

Wymack stood next to him and sighed tiredly, “We can’t ever catch a break, can we?” he asked.

Kevin shrugged and followed him inside, undoing the first few buttons of his shirt as he walked, running a hand through his hair, his heart pounding in his chest. He hadn’t seen Matt since the incident, and didn’t know if he would be able to look at him without feeling his shame return.

Wymack unlocked the door with a key and walked in, just as caught off guard as Kevin was with the energy in the household.

“Kevin Day!” shouted a voice that was not Matt Boyd.

Kevin’s heart skipped a beat regardless. “ _Jeremy_?” he asked, barely able to react properly when Jeremy Knox, in all his handsome, happy glory, bounded up to him and wrapped his arms around Kevin. “What--?”

“I’m here to see Mr. Moreau!” he exclaimed, wrapping an arm around Kevin. “He’s showering right now, but I have him all to myself after,” he tugged Kevin in the house, waving happily to Wymack behind him, who was shaking his head and hiding a smile. “I’ve been getting to know your team mate in the meantime.”

“I’m—”

Matt was sitting at the dining room table with Abby, and he got up when Jeremy entered with Kevin and Wymack. Kevin’s eyes found Matt before Abby, and he thought, or hoped, that he handed him a smile but wasn’t sure he achieved.  Matt’s smile was real, which meant he had either forgiven Kevin for slipping up with his reaction to the death, or didn’t care as much as Kevin thought he did. Kevin didn’t know which was worse—Matt not caring, or handing out forgiveness where Kevin didn’t deserve it.

Wymack walked over to the coffee machine and turned it on. “Why are you here to see Jean?”

Jeremy shrugged, keeping Kevin close to him. Kevin enjoyed that—he loved the Trojans very much, but Kevin always had a sweet spot for Jeremy. Besides Matt, he had some very dirty dreams about the Captain, and realized just then that he might even have a type. Though they looked different, Jeremy and Matt had similar personalities; sunlight, joy, caring souls, big hearts.

The opposite of how Kevin felt about himself in every way.

Jeremy’s answer was honest and real, “I like to know my team mates before they get transferred. I know he is injured right now, but I would rather have him come accustomed at least to me before he gets thrown into a whole new world.”

Wymack poured some milk into his coffee. “That’s nice of you.”

Jeremy clapped Kevin on the shoulder, Kevin couldn’t help but throw him a small smile. It was impossible not to smile around someone like Jeremy. “I also came for you,” he said, squeezing the back of Kevin’s neck tenderly. It was such a nice contrast to Andrew’s firm grip on him that early morning. “I know today was the funeral.”

Kevin shook his head. “I’m fine,” of all the things he wanted to do, talking about it right now was not one of them.

“I do not believe you, my friend,” Jeremy threw him a sympathetic smile anyhow and bumped their foreheads together tenderly. “I am sorry for what you have lost.”

“Thank you,” Kevin mumbled.

Abby stood up and walked over to Kevin and Jeremy, leaning forward and kissing Kevin affectionately on the forehead. He wanted to cry—Wymack and Abby were two people within Kevin’s grasp that he could so easily take and have as his own, two people that would belong to him, and only him, but he was so afraid to take it.

“Come along Jeremy,” she said kindly. “Let’s go see if Jean is ready.”

“Yes ma’am,” he saluted Kevin and walked forward to Matt, holding out his hand. “Matt it has been a pleasure,”

Matt grinned and shook his hand. “Yeah man, same here.” He watched them leave, Wymack following them out, leaving Kevin alone with Matt.

This was a silence Kevin did not want to stand. “Mat—”

“You don’t have to explain shit to me,” Matt interrupted him immediately. “I’ll eventually ask, but you don’t have to tell me today. I know it’s not a good day for you, so we don’t need to deal with this shit right now.” Kevin didn’t have to ask Matt to clarify just what he was talking about—both of them knew very well that the subject of what Kevin had done to himself would come up. All Kevin could do for now was be grateful that it wasn’t something that would be discussed while he felt like this.

Kevin swallowed, accepting that truth. With that behind him from the get go, he was allowed to ask, “So why are you here?”

Matt contemplated that sentence for a moment, before he spoke, choosing his words carefully. “Dan and I broke up,” he said slowly, seeming to use a lot of force before he met Kevin’s eyes properly, determination flaring. Kevin tried to keep his heart steady, but he was having a miraculous time at achieving that. “I’m not ready to deal with that right now, either.”

Kevin’s voice was a bare whisper. “Okay.”

“I’m going to New York for a while, before we have to come back to practice,” he tapped the spot in front of him on the table, looking conflicted. “I was wondering if maybe you wanted to come home with me.”

Kevin said the only thing he could think of, “I don’t want to be a second choice.”

Matt’s eyes were serious. “You’re not,”

The implications of what that meant twirled around in Kevin’s head. Their kiss at the cabin forever lingered between the two of them, their friendship from the moment they had met was something strange and fascinating to both of them. Kevin’s anxious brain thought of a million reasons why he shouldn’t go, his thoughts whispered to him at the same time that Matt was lying, but also that Kevin was overthinking, and Kevin didn’t know which one to believe.  

Kevin bit his lip for a moment, letting it go slowly. “Why are you asking me?” he assumed Matt had friends in New York, he knew Matt was closer with the girls anyway than he was with Kevin. What Kevin really wanted to know was why Dan and Matt had broken up, just after Championships, and who had broken up with who.

“I need a friend,” Matt shrugged, his eyes laced with sadness. “I think you do too.”

Kevin, for the first time all day, decided not to think. “When do we leave?”

Matt smiled.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope you all liked this chapter! it was a little more fast paced but hopefully it worked out
> 
> so the next two/three chapters are going to be within the context of new york, so the central point is going to be kevin and matt (but there will be some surprise guests). the conversations of what kevin did will come up, matt and dan will be discussed, but as a whole although there will be angst moments, theres a lot of good happy kevin x matt moments coming up in the next couple of chapters
> 
> THANK YOU FOR ALL THE LOVELY COMMENTS i cant fucking stop smiling because of you all, i love reading what makes you happy, what makes you sad, all of it. thank you so much for all the love. please keep the comments coming, i love reading it, it keeps me motivated to give you more.
> 
> p.s: i work the next two days, and then im out of town for three days, but i will do my best to update if i can


	13. blue

It was a ten hour drive from Palmetto State University to New York City. Kevin had desperately wanted to take a plane, that way he didn’t have to get up at the ungodly hour of five in the morning. Matt had persuaded him with a lot of coffee, and a promise that he would let Kevin sleep the whole time until they got there.

Except Kevin didn’t really want to sleep. Once he and Matt were in the car and driving, he found every reason to stay awake. They had been on the road for two hours arguing about the music channel, but Kevin was grinning the whole way through. It wasn’t a real argument, even Matt was laughing, turning it back to his station where soft rock music played.

“Dude,” Matt exclaimed, tapping his radio. “This is real music.”

“Jesus,” Kevin shook his life. “Are you one of those people? It’s not real music unless it came from the 1970s, or whatever?”

Matt laughed, and Kevin put his seat back only a little so he could lift his leg and fold it over the other comfortably, his ankle resting on his knee. Kevin felt _happy;_ a feeling he didn’t think he would get with a death so close behind him. He decided not to think about it, maybe avoiding it was not a good idea, but this feeling right now that he got from Matt was much better.

With the sunlight reaching into the car, Matt looked like a god, like one of the myths that Kevin read about in his history books. His gorgeous brown skin looked like it was a direct result of the sunlight, like Matt was born from the sun. His hair was not styled but messy, and Kevin preferred this look much better than the spikes he spent so much time on. His eyes were tired, but relaxed, and even in just shorts and a t-shirt Kevin thought he had never seen anyone quite as handsome as Matt.

Matt reached for his coffee and took a small sip. “Can I say something without you being weird about it?”

Kevin made a face. “I don’t get weird about things,” he snuck a look at Matt, who threw him a disbelieving one back, and Kevin smirked into his coffee while Matt laughed again.

Matt toned down his laughter and scratched his nose before he said, “I’m not saying this in a mean way,” Kevin watched him talk, leaning his head against his chair. He thought it was a little endearing how Matt expressed himself with his hands. “But, how do you manage to be so different?”

Kevin frowned, setting down his coffee and peering back up at Matt. “I do not understand,” he said carefully.

“I just mean, you know, the way you are with them and the way you are with me, it’s like two different people.”

Kevin could not necessarily disagree. He was indeed two different people depending on who he was with. He suspected he was someone else entirely when it was just he and Nicky, and someone else still if he would be in a room with Jean alone. Kevin wished he wasn’t, he wished he could be like Nicky and be one person all the time, but for someone like Kevin it would not be the case, at least not for a while.

“I have to be one way with them,” Kevin shrugged. “Nicky’s personality is barely tolerated by his cousins, which is one of the reasons why he’s so desperate to have a relationship with your side of the team. Look where that gets him.”

“I’m not asking about Nicky,”

Kevin rolled his eyes. “Well I don’t know how to answer you then.” He snapped, crossing his arms.

“No, no,” Matt shook his head. His hand reached out and he put it on Kevin’s arm, and Kevin was hyper aware of the way Matt’s hand curled around his slim wrist, pulling his arm away from how they were crossed. As he pulled it, Kevin’s eyes were glued to where skin met skin and that made him even angrier.

He was so full of want, and did not know how to act on it. Of if he was allowed to act on it at all.

Matt’s voice made him jerk a little. “You’re not doing that.”

“Doing what?” Kevin asked, pulling his hand away, but taking his coffee cup as a buffer.

“You’re not going to be a dick just because the conversation isn’t going your way.”

Kevin sighed dramatically, his mouth running away with him. “You make me forget how angry I am.” He blurted out. “Happy?” he snapped, setting his coffee down again.

Kevin suspected Matt to fall into silence, but if what Kevin said affected him at all, Matt didn’t make it show. He frowned and looked at Kevin before looking back at the road and tried to speak, “Kevin, I—”

“You don’t have to say anything. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable.” He mumbled, his face burning. Anxiety swept over him, and his body responded to it negatively of course—urging him to run, that he should have never come here in the first place, that this was stupid and he was wasting his time and hoping for something that would never happen.

“You’re not making me uncomfortable. I like that I make you less angry.”

“Why?”

“What?”

“Why do you like that?” It was a loaded question, and as much as Kevin wanted the answer, the other half of him didn’t want to face the possible rejection of it.

Matt was the one who sighed now, “Can I get back to you with that?” he asked, and that put a wrench in Kevin’s anxiety, following it up with a tiny bit of hope instead. He was not denying Kevin anything, he was merely withholding it until he could better make sense of it. Kevin could deal with that, no matter how insane it drove him—it didn’t make him anxious, just curious.

“Yes,” he said quietly. Before his courage left him he asked, “Can I ask you something and you will give me the truth?”

Matt’s mouth twitched. “I guess I owe you something real, right?” he asked, looking over at Kevin.

Kevin glared at him, but it had no effect, Matt laughed softly, and patted Kevin on the leg, teasing him. Kevin didn’t know how to feel about that—Matt joking around with him about their kiss, about their relationship. Kevin was not good in this area, he didn’t know how to navigate these kinds of situations. Although he had loved Jean, it was something different, two people coming together to feel, to survive, and to remember what it meant to be human.

This was different.

Matt was different.

“Why did you and Dan break up?”

Matt sighed softly, “I can’t pretend like I didn’t see that coming,” he shrugged before lowering the music. “Can you keep a secret?”

“Yes,”

Matt nodded and then spoke carefully, like he wasn’t sure whether he should be saying it. Kevin was glad anyhow that he was being confided in. That meant something important to him. “We both kind of agreed to it, you know? It’s weird, because we still love each other, but we’re not _in_ love, and I don’t think we ever really were. You know I’m a very big believer in the whole ‘you should be best friends’ with the person you’re dating, but I think she and I were _just_ best friends who tried to be something more. I mean, I don’t regret it, not at all, but we both felt it coming. She found out what she wanted faster than I did. Or who she wanted, anyway.”

Kevin latched on to that last sentence; he couldn’t imagine anyone choosing someone over Matt. “Who she wanted?”

“Yeah, uh, well…” he laughed to himself again, grabbing his coffee and taking a long sip before setting it back down. “She’s testing the waters of her relationship with Allison and Renee.”

Kevin felt the shock all over his body. Of all the things he had been expecting to hear, that was not one of them. “What?”

“Yeah,” he grinned, looking over at him. “I can’t be mad you know? It is what it is. I want her to be happy.”

“What do you want?” he murmured.

Matt shrugged again. “I don’t know. I’m hoping that’s what you’re going to help me figure out.” There were a million possible implications in that sentence, that or Kevin was hoping too desperately to hear something beyond what Matt was actually saying.

Kevin snorted, hoping to keep his cool. “You have too much faith in me.”

“No, I think I have just the right amount of faith in you. I don’t think there’s anyone else I could have had come home with me.”

“That is a bold thing to say to me.”

“Too much truth, Kevin?”

“Oh, shut up.”

Time passed them by, they stopped for food—where Kevin gave Matt a lecture on the fact that he had chosen something like _McDonalds_ to stop for food. Matt promptly ignored him and bought them both breakfast, shoving the sandwich into Kevin’s chest and telling him to live a little. While they ate, it was Kevin who drove the truck, occasionally taking a bite, but Matt seemed hungrier than him, so he let him have the passenger seat. During that time Matt had taken out his phone and taken a picture of Kevin driving, laughing to himself, but refusing to show Kevin the photo at all, just simply promising that it was nice. Kevin would have argued more, but the situation was so heart-warming to him that he didn’t bother with it all. Besides, the idea of Matt having a picture of Kevin on his phone made his head swirl.

When they stopped for gas and switched seats again, Matt and Kevin had descended into asking each other random questions. Kevin was actually _light_ , they weren’t talking about Exy at all, which was such a pleasure to him. He loved Exy, but Exy had never been something to love him back. It was an obsession, something he had to be good at, it was not something he considered a hobby, no matter how much he loved the sport.

“Red,” Kevin answered.

“Your favorite color is red?” Matt asked, surprised. “I have literally never seen you wear red, ever.”

“I’m told I don’t look good in it,” he said casually, picking up the garbage around him from their food and stuffing everything into one bag. “My skin is too pale, like my mother.”

“Okay, no, no, you and I are going to go shopping and I’ll decide if you look good in red or not.”

“I do not enjoy shopping.”

“Allison has her eyes on you,” Matt waved a finger at Kevin, and grinned when Kevin pushed it away. “If you two are going to be friends you better learn to enjoy shopping.”

“Perhaps she and Nicky should get better acquainted.”

“God, I don’t even know what they would do to their bank accounts.”

“Nicky can barely control himself as it is,” Kevin admitted. “What is yours then?”

“Blue,” Matt answered immediately.

Kevin rolled his eyes. “Cliché,”

“What?” Matt put a hand on his chest as he laughed. “I’m a cliché? Blue is a classic.”

“Just like your music, right?”

“You’re such a punk,” Matt laughed, and Kevin, oh Kevin felt like he was on top of the world. He moved up as he saw the sky line of New York City in his view. “There we are,” Matt grinned. “Welcome home.”

 

* * *

 

Matt’s mother had a boxing match, and so wouldn’t be in the loft with them until the following day. Matt said she always came back late, so they had taken to working out. Matt wanted to go to the gym and Kevin wanted to go to the local court to practice, and somehow the in between of that was playing tennis. Kevin wasn’t particularly good at tennis and neither was Matt, but somehow they had made it work. It would have been easy for Kevin to manage if Matt hadn’t lifted up his shirt and wiped his brow with the hem, effectively making Kevin lose his concentration. His hand had tightened on his racquet and he had hit the ball too hard, hitting Matt on his abdomen.

Matt hadn’t wanted to hear Kevin’s apologies, not that it stopped him anyway. They had ended their game there, going back to the apartment, each of them showering. Matt went first and Kevin could only suspect he had gone in his room. Kevin knew that he could go to his room if he wanted. It was almost nine, he was exhausted beyond reason anyhow. But as he looked in the mirror, contemplating the nature of who he was and what he wanted, he made a different decision. He pulled on his pajama pants and grabbed his t-shirt from where he had placed it on the counter and put it on. Trying to keep his cool about what he was going to do, he went to the guest room and grabbed the lotion he had brought with him, before he walked to Matt’s room.

When the door opened, Matt’s smile was easy. “Hey,”

“Did you put lotion on your bruise?” Kevin asked.

Matt cocked his head, “What?  No, I’m fine.”

“I hate that word,” Kevin snapped, unable to control himself. He tried to count to ten in French but failed before he said, “Neil used it too many times for it to matter anymore,” he shook his head and looked at the lotion before trying to push it into Matt’s hand. “You know how I am with injuries.”

Matt seemed to realize that this was an argument that he was going to lose. “Okay,” he grabbed the bottle, his fingers lightly brushing Kevin’s wrist. It made Matt’s lips twitch, and Kevin frowned at him. “You’ve been very un-Kevin Day since we started this trip.”

“What does that mean?”

“I’ve never seen you smile so much,” Matt told him. “Not that you’ve really smiled, but you’ve been grinning all day, and now you’re helping me.”

Kevin frowned at him just to prove a point. “If you want me to be _more_ Kevin Day then I—”

Matt rolled his eyes and grabbed Kevin by the shoulder hauling him inside the room. “Lucky for you I was just about to put on a movie.”

Kevin looked around Matt’s room, trying to memorize every single piece of it. There were pictures of family around the room, as well as one of him and Dan and one with the team. Beyond that there was a glass case in the corner with dozens of medals inside—boxing related, Kevin assumed. What Matt did away from Exy was something Kevin was unaware of but wanted to know. Besides that, there was not much to decorate the room, just one of those calendars that had very suggestive women with cars on them and on his wardrobe were some model cars.

“You don’t have a television in your room.” Kevin pointed out.

“Your observation skills are as astounding as ever.” Matt’s smile widened when Kevin shot him an exasperated glance.

“You know, I can leave.”

“Don’t be a sour puss,” Matt set the bottle of lotion down on his bedside table and motioned to his laptop on the bed. “You can choose something to watch.”

Kevin’s voice was quick suddenly, laced with nerves. His right hand grabbed his left, his thumb pressing into the palm to keep him steady, his index tracing circles from the other side. “Don’t you want to watch it in the living room?”

“I don’t have the wire to hook it up to the TV, and I can’t get comfortable like I want to on the couch.”

Kevin swallowed his nerves and did as he was told, going to the bed and sitting on the side that was directly up against the wall. He opened up Netflix while Matt moved around his room, closing the blinds and sticking his bag in his closet. It was not that Kevin didn’t want to be here, he thought, as he looked though the list of documentaries, it was that he was terrified of being here. Everything he wanted was somehow both so close and just out of his reach—asking for him to grab hold and yet Kevin was terrified to move any closer to the very idea of it.

Kevin tried his tactic of truths as Matt settled down next to him, the weight of the bed shifting. “I don’t know why I’m here,” he admitted. _In New York, in this room, with you._

Matt didn’t have to ask what he meant. “It beats being alone.”

Kevin pondered that and then nodded slowly about to press play before he realized something. Instead of using his words he threw an irritated look to Matt who looked back at him with confusion.

“What?”

“What are you doing?” Kevin growled.

“Watching a movie.” Matt grinned.

“You didn’t put the lotion on your bruise.”

“Christ, again with this,” Matt moaned. “I swear to God, Kevin, you’re the most annoying person in the world.”

“Well, if you would just do what you’re _told_ —”

Matt barked out a laugh. “Since when have I ever listened to you?”

“When we’re on the court—”

“We’re not on the court.”

“I know you’re in pain,” Kevin said seriously. “You couldn’t stop flinching ever since we stopped playing. So stop being a pain in my ass and get the damn lotion on.”

“Normally, I’ve been told I’m a welcome pain in the ass.”

Kevin glared furiously at Matt and before he could say anything, Kevin moved over Matt and off the bed, not missing the way Matt moved to claim the spot by the wall. Kevin almost grinned but hid it, not quite sure if he wanted to give Matt the point in this argument; or game, just yet. Kevin uncapped the lotion and turned around, putting some on his hand.

Matt stared at him. “Seriously?”

“Well if you’re going to be a fucking baby, I’ll do it myself,” he knelt on the bed. “And you’re in my spot.”

“This is _my_ bed!”

But Kevin kept on staring at him, so Matt sighed and they maneuvered their way around each other, moving the laptop out of the way so it would not fall. Matt had to turn on his side so Kevin could see his bruise, he tucked one hand under his head and let the other fall in front of him, crushed gently between Kevin’s knee and his own chest.

Kevin’s voice was low as he began to work. “It’ll burn a bit, but that’s what makes it better.” Kevin did his best to make his voice sound as soothing as possible, to be something comforting for Matt in the same way that Matt was for him.

Breathing in softly, Kevin pressed his fingers to Matt’s bruise. The cold must have surprised Matt because he jumped a little, and Kevin murmured a quiet ‘sorry’ as he continued. Kevin was very careful, tracing the outline of the bruise and massaging the lotion into it, his nostrils flaring like an animal when he felt the muscles beneath his fingertips. His green eyes were focused and steady—but he was still aware of the fact that Matt was looking at him intently from under his long dark lashes. He felt the tension in his jaw, there was a muscle twitching and Kevin was trying to breathe as quietly as possible.

He still saw Matt grin.

Kevin murmured, “’Stop smiling at me.”

“Sorry,” Matt grinned wider.

“No, you’re not.”

“No,” Matt agreed. “I’m not.”

Kevin took his hands away, much to his own disappointment. “There, it’s done,” he flicked Matt on the forehead, earning a frown which was enough to make Kevin relax. “Now, we’re watching this,” Kevin pointed at the screen. It was a documentary about British castles and Matt let out what he probably thought was a well justified moan.

“A documentary?” Matt asked. “Really?”

Kevin flushed with embarrassment. “I like history,” he admitted it so quietly, and shamefully, even though he knew Matt knew how much he liked history. When his hand reached out to change it, Matt caught it and moved it back so it was on Kevin’s thigh. Kevin would have started to shake if the pressure of Matt’s hand wasn’t keeping him steady.

“Show me what you like then,” Matt told him, and he actually looked like he meant it which scared the living shit out of Kevin.

Kevin nodded and pressed play, allowing it to start up while Matt fixed his pillow accordingly, shutting off his lamp so only the light from the laptop was shining on them. Kevin remained awkwardly sitting, his back against the wall, one leg pulled up to his chest with his arms wrapped around it. Matt looked at him for a few moments and Kevin did his best to ignore it, keeping his eyes on the screen, trying not to think about the fact that he was on a bed with Matt in the dark.

Matt must have been confused about whatever expression Kevin had when he said, “You don’t want to be here.” He closed his eyes.

Kevin was quiet for a couple of seconds before he chose to respond. “I don’t know how to be here,” he corrected him. It was another quiet admittance of defeat, in the same tone he had used when he reminded Matt of his love for history. It was important for him to say anyhow though, to make sure Matt knew that it wasn’t about what Kevin wanted, but rather, that he didn’t know how to _get_ what he wanted—he didn’t even know if he deserved what he wanted.

Kevin didn’t want to wait for Matt’s answer. “I can go,” he suggested quietly. “You’re tired.”

“No,” Matt whispered. “Stay.”

There were a million reasons why Matt shouldn’t have said it. Matt was supposed to love Dan. Matt and Kevin did not interact like this. Kevin should not have stayed, he should have found a reason to leave. This was dangerous and vulnerable, and everything Kevin had told himself to stay away from.

Except he didn’t want to stay away.

So instead, he relaxed his body and moved down so he was the same level as Matt, the computer on his stomach, tilted so they could both see if Matt chose to open his eyes.

“Okay,” Kevin responded quietly, choosing to stay.

Kevin didn’t even care when Matt fell asleep.

He would spend a thousand more nights like this, if it meant he got to have these moments, where it was he, Matt and the silence.

But most importantly, peace.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope you all liked this chapter!!
> 
> next chapter; a day in new york city with them. the one after that is the hamptons special, and holy fuck im excited to get that one out. 
> 
> i hope you liked kevin's characterization this chapter. its a very intense struggle for him, to be himself and also not be himself, to kind of find the lines of who he is allowed to be with matt, which is 100 percent himself. this chapter was what i think they both deserved, something light, something easy, something that could easily be domestic and familiar. 
> 
> thank you for all the comments thus far, i appreciate it so much i love reading it. keep them coming, they make me smile. thanks for the love
> 
> i am going out of town until wednesday, ill do my best to get one out, if not i apologize in advance, so it might be a couple of days!


	14. kiss

“I think I would like to get a new tattoo.”

Matt looked up from where he sat, pausing his video game. Kevin was reading a book about Aztecs, but he had stopped paying attention a while ago. He had allowed his gaze to travel over to Matt to study his face, his body, his general existence.

“What kind of tattoo?” Matt asked, putting his controller down. He got up and came over to the couch, sitting on it in front of Kevin. “And where?”

Kevin closed his book and stretched to set it on the ground, before going into his pocket to take out his phone. He went to his photo album and pulled up a photo of an ancient Greek text before he handed it to Matt.

“What’s it say?” he asked, moving closer. Kevin tensed a little when Matt rearranged their bodies, so Kevin’s long legs were laid over Matt’s lap. Matt put his arms over Kevin’s legs, holding Kevin’s phone in his hands.

Kevin had to remind himself that he had to answer Matt. So trying not to let his voice sound like he was being at all effected, he answered, “The wrath of Achilles,”

Matt studied it for a moment, smiling lightly at it. “You should get it here,” he motioned to Kevin’s leg, tracing his finger along Kevin’s Achilles’ tendon. Kevin almost shivered against the touch but he refrained. Their moments like this had been coming and going. Matt, Kevin found, was his complete opposite when it came to touching people. Matt seemed to communicate with it, he talked with his hands, he liked to motion to things, and when he was talking to Kevin, he always, _always_ liked to touch him. Kevin had been very skeptical about it those first couple of days, but he had learned to accept it, and understand that this was just part of who Matt was.

Kevin would get a tattoo anywhere Matt told him to, he realized. “Can we go today?”

“Sure,” Matt said happily, he tapped Kevin’s legs, and Kevin lifted them. “I know a place, I’ll give them a call.” He punched in a number on Kevin’s phone and walked out of the room.

Kevin lay back against the couch, stretching himself out. He was about to get really comfortable, until Matt’s mother Randy, walked in the room, clearly looking for Matt.

Matt’s mother was a very pretty woman. She was shorter than her son, but darker, with large curly hair, and beautiful, big eyes. She was built like her son, all muscles and hard edges. She was just a touch leaner than Matt, and didn’t look a day over thirty even though she was in her forties.

“Oh, Kevin, hello,” she said with a smile—it was different than Matt’s smile, it didn’t light up her eyes the way it did with Matt. Of course, Kevin was incredibly biased when it came to Matt Boyd and his smile. “Where’s Matt?”

“On the phone,” Kevin motioned to the room he had walked into.

“Oh, okay, I’ll wait then,” she said, scratching her nose. “Are you enjoying your stay? I’m sorry I have not been a proper tour guide.”

Kevin shook his head. “Your son has been more than adequate.”

“I must admit,” she said, glancing at him. “I was more than surprised when he told me that Kevin Day was coming back with him.”

Kevin didn’t have to ask why. “We have not always gotten along.” He admitted, which was quite the understatement towards the end of the championships.

Randy shook her head. “No, that is not why I was surprised. My son is friendly enough, he can win almost anyone over.” Kevin suspected she said ‘almost’ because she knew enough about Andrew and Aaron to know they would never be included in such a thing. “He just does not normally invite people down here.”

“Why not?” Kevin asked, truly astounded. “You have a lovely home.”

“Thank you,” she bought into Kevin’s press politeness easy enough. Kevin didn’t know how to act around adults, he was sure he didn’t act as he should even in front of his father. “I don’t know. Matt rarely invited Dan back either. Although she did work a lot,” she said, more to herself than Kevin. “My son is an interesting creature, he doesn’t do anything without a reason.”

Kevin didn’t know what any of that meant, and so he voiced that, “I’m sorry, I don’t know what to say.”

“Oh, don’t misunderstand me, I’m more than happy to have you. Forget I said anything,” she laughed, and Kevin wasn’t sure if he was supposed to laugh along with her. “You know, you should ask Matt to teach you to box. You have a good body for it.”

“Thank you,” Kevin murmured quietly, his eyes moving to Matt as he walked back in, tossing Kevin his phone.

“Mom!” he grinned happily, as though this was the first time they had interacted in the week that he and Kevin had been home. “Hey, Kevin is getting a tattoo today. Do you want to come?” Kevin found that endearing too—how close they were, how casual their relationship was. Kevin wanted to have a talk with him about that too, to understand how he was able to get to that kind of point.

“I have to train.” She told Matt. “But before you go, I have to ask you something. You’re more than allowed to say no, but I want you to think about it before you say no right away.”

Matt’s face lost its grin for a moment. Kevin moved his legs to get Matt’s attention and Matt smiled softly, going over to the couch and sitting down on it, letting Kevin put his legs over Matt again. Matt didn’t just rest his arms on Kevin now, but instead put his hands on Kevin’s skin, his thumb pressing lightly into Kevin’s calf. Kevin avoided Randy’s expression, he wasn’t sure what he was going to see in her eyes and he wasn’t sure that he wanted to see it.

“What’s wrong?” he asked. Kevin kept his eyes on Matt.

“Your father has an event next week, he rented out a place in the Hamptons for he and his business partners. It’s a big event for him, a lot of athletes are going to be there as well, which is why he invited me.”

Matt’s hands tensed over Kevin’s legs. Kevin didn’t like that he was moving toward Matt even with his mother standing in the room, but Kevin would never forget what Matt told him about his father and his business partners. If Matt needed contact, Kevin would come through for him. Kevin owed him that, after all, how many times had Matt picked up Kevin? This was the least he could do for him.  

Kevin put a hand on Matt’s shoulder, squeezing it lightly. Matt’s mouth twitched but he kept his eyes on his mom.

“Should I go?” he asked his mother.

Randy shrugged. “I think you should do whatever you want. He did say that you can bring whoever you want, but it’s formal wear.”

Matt waved his hand in dismissal. “That doesn’t matter.”

“Honey,” she said tenderly. “If you want to make things right with your father, maybe this is one way of doing it. He went to your game, maybe you might want to think about going to his party. I have to go, I’m sorry, but just think about it okay?” she waited for Matt to nod before she smiled softly at him and left him there with Kevin.

Matt sighed and looked over at Kevin, smiling almost sadly at him. “What do you think?”

Kevin had to recover quickly from the shock of being asked for his opinion. Not many people asked him for that unless it had to do with Exy. Besides that, it so rarely mattered. “If you want to go, I will go with you.” he responded.

Matt frowned, not at Kevin, but in general at his situation. “Why would you do that?”

Kevin shrugged, taking his hand away from Matt’s shoulder. He wanted to touch Matt’s face, but refrained from doing something as intimate as that. “Same reason why you asked me to come here. You need a friend.”

Matt looked down where his hands were placed over Kevin’s skin, tapping his index against Kevin’s leg before he looked over at Kevin again. “Just a friend?” he asked quietly.

Kevin held his breath for a moment, mostly because he didn’t know what to say. He closed his eyes and breathed out, taking his legs away from Matt’s touch so he could think properly. Matt though, kept his hands tight on Kevin’s legs.

“No, please,” Matt murmured.

Kevin opened his eyes and couldn’t help his glare. “I will not be a second choice.”

“Jesus,” Matt shook his head. “You have to stop assuming that all you are to me is a second choice.”

“Then what am I Matt?” he snapped, taking his legs away. He stood up, all thoughts of his tattoo, gone as he felt anger rising in him. “If I’m not a second choice I’m a rebound, aren’t I?” he hated sounding like this, like his self-worth was based on Matt’s opinion of him. He hated that it mattered this much, that he liked Matt enough that it drove him this insane.

Who was he kidding, he was so far past just liking Matt. He had treaded this line for so long, he knew it was more, he knew it was something intense. But Kevin would never say those words first, never was he going to say them out loud.

“You’re not a rebound,” Matt told him, getting up and walking after Kevin. He was raising his voice too, but Kevin didn’t care. He would fight back if Matt did anything.

Except Kevin was so, so tired of all the fighting. He wanted this to be over. He wanted to be _happy_.

“How do you want me to believe that?” Kevin snarled. “Give me something real.”

“Fine, you want something real you little shit? You know since we’ve kissed, I’ve thought about it every fucking day?” Matt’s voice shook, and Kevin wondered if he was just angry, or wanted to cry, or both. He couldn’t imagine what that was like, if it was true—to think about kissing someone else while you were already in a relationship. “Do you know the kind of guilt that came with that?”

“Boo fucking hoo,” Kevin snapped.

“Jesus Christ,” Matt threw his hands up angrily. “You’re such an asshole! You’re too damn afraid to let anyone get close to you, so you—”

Kevin broke. He balled his fists up in Matt’s shirt, pushing him back against the wall. They were terribly close to each other, their breath mingling, each of them glaring daggers at the other. “I’m not afraid of anything.”

“Then prove it.”

So Kevin did.

He threw all his caution and anxieties to the wind, and did what he had been wanting to do from the first time he saw Matt. He closed the distance between them, smashing their lips together angrily. It had none of the same softness that it had in the cabin, it was all ruthless and without hesitation. Matt made a noise in his throat, and kissed back eagerly, his hands gripping Kevin’s hip hard. Kevin knew this wasn’t good, he shouldn’t be doing this, and this wasn’t something that he had planned, or was supposed to happen. Yet, he continued down this rabbit-hole.

This was a bad idea.

But the feel of Matt’s tongue made him forget that.

Kevin jumped and Matt’s strong arms held him, Kevin wrapped his legs around Matt’s waist as he turned them around, putting Kevin against the wall now. Kevin’s arms wrapped around Matt, keeping him close. There was too much distance between their bodies before, but now with their hips nearly aligned and their chests crushed together this was almost perfect.

Matt kissed his way down Kevin’s throat, Kevin hitting his head against the back of the wall, making an embarrassing keening noise. His legs were shaking as Matt’s hands grasped at Kevin’s butt to keep him steady, but Kevin didn’t feel like he was steady. He felt like he was falling apart.

When Matt pushed himself harder against Kevin, Kevin groaned, feeling the beginning of his erection begin to take form. Matt was attacking Kevin’s throat, and Kevin’s breathing was getting ridiculous from just this alone.

 _We can’t have sex,_ Kevin thought, _I can’t stand it, not for only one night._ “Matt,” he breathed. “Matt, pl- _ah_ ,” he whimpered when Matt rolled his hips suggestively, a movement that was both pleasurable and painful because of the restrictions. “M-Matt, wait.”

Matt apparently had less self-control than Kevin thought. He did stop, but his body was shaking profusely, which made Kevin a little proud. He liked the idea of knowing that Matt was just as shaken as Kevin was from what had just happened. That Matt could fall to nothing just by Kevin’s lips, that it wasn’t just Kevin losing himself.

Matt leaned back, slowly lowering Kevin but not moving away. He wasn’t that much taller than Kevin, but suddenly Kevin felt so small. Matt’s hands were on either side of Kevin’s head, making him a prisoner. Kevin stared at Matt’s lips for a long moment, they were swollen and shiny and red, and Kevin couldn’t help it, he leaned in to kiss him softly. A proper kiss now, no tongue, just gentle kissing—Matt sighing into it like he had been waiting just as long as Kevin had.

Kevin took himself away and swallowed, “I’m sorry—”

“Don’t apologize, please,” Matt shook his head, his expression serious. “I can’t stand that, not from you.”

“Matt…”

“You’re not a second choice.” He said seriously. “I know you won’t believe me right away because of everything going on up here,” he moved one hand to Kevin’s forehead, tapping it, before he ran a hand through Kevin’s hair. This time Kevin did shiver. “But I’m being honest. I would not lie to you.” Kevin closed his eyes and let his head fall back against the wall, enjoying the feel of Matt’s hand in his hair. He had never been touched like this—like he was wanted for something more than his body.

“I don’t know what to think,” Kevin couldn’t open his eyes. He was afraid to see the kindness in Matt’s gaze.

“How do I make you believe me?” Matt whispered. “That it’s more than just kissing you.”

“Give me something real again,” he breathed. “Give me a truth.”

“Look at me, and I will.” Kevin did as he was told, and as he suspected he saw the unwavering kindness in Matt’s eyes. “Dan and I broke up because she wanted to see what she could have with Allison and Renee. Dan and I also broke up because she thought I should see who I really wanted, and what I was keeping hidden from myself.”

Kevin knew what that meant, but he wasn’t sure he could accept that. “I’m not an experiment.”

“No,” Matt agreed. “You’re not an experiment. You’re who I wanted before I met Dan. Before the monsters took you, before all the bullshit. That day we met, you remember that? I thought I had never seen someone look so… _beautiful_.”

“I’m not—”

“You said to give you a truth. This is my truth. I was with Dan, but I always wanted to be your friend. I was with Dan, and we kissed, and suddenly kissing Dan felt wrong.”

“And this?” Kevin asked, his voice barely above a whisper.

“This is right Kevin,” Matt nodded. “I’m not an idiot. I know it’s going to be hard, I know that…fuck, I know when people find out it’ll be a fucking disaster. But we can go slow, we don’t even have to tell anyone if you don’t want for a while, but this, I want this. Don’t take it away from me. I know you’re scared, but please, _please_ Kevin, don’t take it away.”

Kevin was choking on his words, trying to take everything Matt was saying and try to make sense of it. Never did he think that it would be like this, that someone would be so up front with him and just _tell_ him how he felt.

“You’re thinking too hard,” Matt murmured.

Kevin nodded. “I’m sorry. It’s just, I was never _allowed_ to want this. I never knew how to want without feeling bad.”

“Riko isn’t here anymore.”

“I know.” He snapped.

“So take what you want. I’m offering.” He had a wide smile now. “My body is at your will.”

Kevin punched Matt tenderly on the chest, but Matt laughed, his hand coming away from the wall and placing itself over Kevin’s. “Shut up.” He looked at Matt and swallowed. “Is this real?”

Matt nodded. “If you want it to be.”

“You have to be…” Kevin swallowed, he was not used to being so vulnerable. “Patient, with me.” He hoped Matt understood what he meant; to be in a relationship was something that scared Kevin to the worst of his anxiety, and physical affection like kissing was okay, but the idea of Matt touching him was something that he wanted and something he didn’t know how to ask for.

“I can be patient,” Matt nodded. “When you want something from me, you just have to ask.” He leaned forward with a smile, kissing Kevin again. Kevin kissed him back carefully, hoping that this was something he was good at. His hand curled into Matt’s shirt again, pulling him close.

God, Matt Boyd was a bad idea.

Except Matt Boyd was so good, and he wanted Kevin, and Kevin wanted him, so maybe, _maybe_ this was a good idea.

“Okay,” Matt broke away, resting his forehead against Kevin’s. “Okay, let’s go get your tattoo.”

Kevin had completely forgotten about that. “Okay.”

 

* * *

 

Kevin winced again as the needle moved along his skin. Matt grinned from where he sat and crossed his arms over his chest, smiling mockingly at him. “Do you want to hold my hand?”

“Fuck you,”

“If you ask nicely,”

Kevin rolled his eyes while Matt chuckled. He put his chin on both of his hands as he stared at Matt. “I finished the book you got me.” He never wanted to stop talking to him, he wanted this good feeling inside his chest to last forever.

Matt snapped his fingers together. “The Song of Achilles!” he exclaimed, pulling his chair closer. He leaned forward, bent forward so that his elbows were resting on his knees and his head was cradled in his hands. “How did you like it?”

“It was great,” Kevin nodded. “Sad, but I mean, that was point of it.”

“Is that why you’re getting the tattoo?”

“Kind of,” when Matt waited with an explanation Kevin continued. This was actually helping, the way their conversation was flowing so casually made him forget about the needle against his skin. “I don’t know, I relate, I think to Achilles. The best there is at what he does—”

“Humble,”

“Shut up,”

“Sorry,” except his smile suggested that he wasn’t. “Continue,”

“He’s proud. He refused to fight because of what it would mean, but when he lost the person he loved he took his anger out on them, and everyone that stood in his way was gone soon after. I like to think if someone took away the person I loved, I would do the same.”

“Go on a killing spree?”

“It was _war_ —”

“Am I still Hector in that story?” Matt asked, his hand coming out and touching the top of Kevin’s head again, twirling his fingers through the strands, running his hand through his hair. Kevin relaxed into that touch, he wanted to feel this every day for the rest of his life.

“No,” Kevin murmured softly. “No, I think you would be Patroclus. Fought for Achilles.”

“Didn’t he die?”

“So did Hector.”

Matt remembered Kevin’s words that he had spoken so long ago, “But you would never kill me.”

“No, I wouldn’t.”

“But you would kill _for_ me?”

“Maybe,” Kevin grinned. “If you ask nicely.”

“Oh, very funny.” Matt leaned back now, grinning at him continuously. “Patroclus and Achilles were lovers, weren’t they?”

“Don’t worry Matt,” Kevin pretended to be nonchalant, even though the word ‘love’ being used in any format between the two of them made him extremely nervous. “I don’t love you.” he said, but he knew that if this relationship continued as it did, he would get there soon enough. He was already half way there.

Matt laughed, and it was a beautiful laugh, it shook his whole body. “Not yet.”

“You think highly of yourself.”

“I learned that from you.”

“Asshole.” But there was no heat to his words, and so Matt smiled. The buzzing of the tattoo needle went on and on, before Kevin asked him. “Your father’s party. Do you want to go?”

Matt’s smile disappeared, his expression becoming thoughtful instead. “I don’t know. Maybe. Would you really come with me?”

Kevin decided, since their relationships seemed to continue being based on truths, that he would answer honestly. He had nothing to lose anymore, they had kissed, they were trying and Kevin would deal with the rest as it came.

 _I can be happy,_ he told himself, _I can have this._

“I’d go anywhere with you.” It was the most honest thing he could say, because it was the biggest truth that he had been keeping to himself the entire time he had known Matt.

Matt smiled his most breathless smile and nodded. “I’ll tell my dad we’re going.”

“How formal is formal by the way?”

“Don’t worry Kevin, you’ll look great in a suit.” He took out his phone and moved forward again, taking Kevin’s hand and kissing his fingers. “Thank you,” he murmured.

Stunned by the act of casual intimacy given to him, Kevin responded softly, “You’re welcome.”

Matt got up to call his father, and as he walked away Kevin felt his heart in his chest, for the amount of affection that he had for this man.

 _You deserve to be happy,_ he told himself, _everything will be okay._ For the first time in a long time, he even believed it. How could he not, when Matt flashed him a smile like Kevin was the only person he ever wanted to be around. His fingers tingled from the reminder of Matt’s fingers, he desperately wanted to keep having those moments. He wanted to keep feeling the weight of Matt Boyd on him, his lips, his hands, but mostly, the weight of Matt’s kindness—his heart.  

 

* * *

 

Considering the fact that Kevin could barely walk after his tattoo, Matt had driven them home. They were splayed on Matt’s bed, Kevin on his stomach since his leg was sensitive, with two pillows underneath him and his arms under them. Matt was on his side, looking at his phone.

“We can go on the Upper East Side, I haven’t taken you there.”

Kevin shrugged. “I don’t care.”

“I know you don’t,” Matt laughed. “But it’s fun to go. Allison says that you should pretend to be rich even if you’re not rich.”

Kevin grinned. “She’s something else.”

“She’s a force of nature.” Matt agreed. “How’s your leg?” he asked, setting his phone down between them.

“A little sore.”

“At least you’re doing it now,” Matt murmured. “By the time we make it back to court, you’ll be okay.”

“I already miss it.”

Matt shrugged. “I like vacation.”

“Is it vacation? Just coming home?”

Matt thought about that for a moment, turning on his back, but keeping his head in Kevin’s direction. “I have a good time with my mom. I rarely get to see her because of school and practice, so yeah, it’s like a vacation. I think it would be fun though, to go to Europe. Maybe we can bribe Nicky into taking us to Germany.”

“I don’t think Nicky would need much of a bribe,” Kevin said. “I should call him tomorrow.”  Kevin missed Nicky terribly, but he knew that Nicky was having a good time which was all he could ask. Every so often he would send Kevin a picture of himself and Erik with a dumb caption that sounded something like ‘miss you, except not really’ or ‘the view is nice, but Erik’s butt is nicer’. Kevin did the polite thing and pretended to be annoyed to add to Nicky’s fun, but really, Kevin loved getting those messages.

Matt nodded. “I should probably check in with Neil…” he murmured.

Kevin brought his hand out and asked softly, “Can I?”

Matt looked over at him, looking at Kevin’s trembling hand. “You don’t have to ask.”

“No,” Kevin said. “I do.” Matt didn’t understand all that yet, what had happened, and who it had happened with. Those serious conversations were for much later, when he and Matt were something _more_ , when he and Matt were something concrete, away from New York where everything was magical and fun. Kevin would wait. For now, he just wanted to enjoy this safeness that Matt was providing him with.

“Yes, you can.”

Kevin put his hand on the side of Matt’s face, something he had been wanting to do for so long. He moved it along, moving so he was on his side, his leg still resting comfortably. His hand explored Matt’s face, memorizing every feature. Over his lips, Kevin’s thumb twitched, but he traced them anyway.

Matt moved first.

He grinned and moved his lips, biting gently on Kevin’s thumb. Kevin grinned too, excitement twisting in his stomach. He then released Kevin’s thumb and kissed it instead, before he shifted closer and put his hand in Kevin’s hair, space between their bodies, but their lips finally pushing against each other again. There was no motion of urgency for which Kevin was grateful. He wanted to enjoy this, he wanted to remember this. Kevin unabashedly groaned into Matt’s mouth and kissed him a little harder—Matt was a _phenomenal_ kisser. One of Matt’s hands swept its way from Kevin’s shoulder to his hip, and hooked underneath the shirt only a little, feeling the skin. Kevin twitched but didn’t pull away, grateful that Matt didn’t push any more than that. It was just an index finger resting on Kevin’s thigh, and that was enough.

When Kevin opened his mouth, Matt took advantage. He explored Kevin’s mouth eagerly and slowly somehow all at once, moving to suck on Kevin’s tongue. Kevin’s entire body jerked and he withdrew from the sensitivity of it, but he knew his eyes were alive with want.

Too much want.

“Okay,” Kevin breathed. “Okay.”

Matt chuckled. “You’re good at that.”

“At what?”

“At kissing.”

“So are you.”

Matt winked at him. “I know.” While Kevin rolled his eyes, Matt leaned down to the floor to pick up his laptop and turned it on, tapping two of his fingers on the keyboard in waiting. “I’m picking the movie tonight.”

“Jesus, God help me.”

Matt laughed and moved closer to Kevin, raising his legs and tilting the laptop so that they could both see it properly, having it lean against Matt’s legs. “How do you feel about fast and the furious?”

“I feel like that’s a shit movie.”

“What? It’s a cinematic masterpiece!”

“You have poor taste.”

“I don’t think so. I’m dating you now, aren’t I?”

Kevin liked that word. Dating. He pretended like it didn’t matter and continued the conversation easily. “Fast and the furious is cheesy and the acting is appalling.”

“Hey, this is my house. Do you want to sleep on the street tonight?”

Kevin snorted. “I cannot believe I’m being subjected to this nonsense.”

“Nonsense!” Matt huffed in disbelief. “Fuck, you need a serious education on what good movies are.”

“I seriously doubt that.”

Matt waved his hand in dismissal. “Hush,” he opened up the Netflix on his laptop, typing in the search engine. “I bet Nicky would watch this with me.”

“Nicky has a thing for Paul Walker.”

“God rest his soul.” Matt made the sign of the cross over him, something Kevin found very interesting and a little amusing—how serious Matt took this whole thing. Matt looked over at him and grinned. “He’s an icon.”

“I wouldn’t say—”

“Listen, you have history and I have cars.” Matt pressed play, patting Kevin’s thigh. “Welcome to my world.”

Kevin grinned and stayed quiet, very much liking the idea of that too—Matt welcoming Kevin into his world. There was definitely no other place that he would rather be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IM SORRY IVE BEEN GONE SO LONG
> 
> this chapter was my way for making up for it. they finally kissed! they finally got together! they finally had a happy chapter!
> 
> but dont worry, next chapter its angst (only for half a chapter, i promise) again ;) there will be two surprise guests, one good and one bad. 
> 
> THANK YOU FOR ALL THE COMMENTS. its been a pleasure and honor to read them, to see how much you all like it. keep commenting please it makes my day
> 
> by the way; if you want to follow me on twitter to talk about the fic more or whatever, my twitter is mycoveriscas and my tumblr is juliansalec
> 
> xx


	15. hamptons

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trigger warning; mentions and slight description of rape. mention of self harm.

When Nicky Hemmick answered Kevin’s call, Kevin gave one of his real smiles. It was a smile that was reserved for Nicky and Matt, although they had both only seen it a handful of times, and both boys had never failed to comment on it every single time. The good news was, Kevin was enjoying the feeling of smiling. It was an expression he hadn’t worn for a very long time, but one that he was trying on and seemed to have a positive effect on him.

“Nick,” he said into the phone.

“Kevin Day!” Nicky shouted into the phone. It was late morning in New York, which meant it was likely evening in Germany. “How’s my second favourite boy in the whole world? Erik says hello.”

“I say hello,” he responded. “I’m good, how’s Germany?”

“German,”

“Nice,”

Nicky laughed loudly. The last time Nicky sounded this happy was back at Christmas when Erik had been down. It was miraculous how differently his mood changed when he wasn’t being threatened by Andrew or ignored by Aaron, or even the other way around.

“Where are you anyway? This isn’t Abby’s number.”

“No,” Kevin steadied his beating heart and turned in his bed in the guest room, going on his side. “I’m in New York.”

“Why would you be in— _are you with Matt?_ ”

Kevin smiled wider. “Yeah,” he cleared his throat. “I mean yes, in both ways.”

“In both ways?” Nicky swore loudly, and judging from a loud slap and a grunt and small laugh from Erik, Nicky had slapped his boyfriend’s body with joy. “Jesus, Mary and Joseph, did you two fuck?”

“ _Nicky_ ,”

“ _Kevin,_ ”

“No,” he chuckled. “No, we kissed. We have been kissing. A lot.”

“I can’t believe I missed the biggest plot twist in history.”

“You are being over dramatic.”

“Hello, do you remember who you’re talking to? So? How is it?”

“It’s…” Kevin had to struggle to find the right word. “Easy. Calm.”

“That’s very different from what you’re used to.”

“Yes,”

“Hey Kev,” Nicky murmured, and Kevin could hear him smiling. “Are you happy?”

Happy was a strange word. Kevin thought that happiness could only exist when his entire life was put together properly. When he stopped dreaming about Riko (because that was an unfortunate reoccurrence), when he stopped wanting to drink (which was usually a feeling that accompanied his nightmares), and when he had a tighter grasp on his anxiety (because he still thought too much and too fast). However, Kevin was coming to learn that complete happiness was attainable, no matter how slowly it took for him to get there. Happiness, and to be happy, were two different things—one that was Kevin’s goal, and one that Kevin could feel in the moment.

So Kevin answered, “Yes, I’m happy.” Then, because he really wanted to know, he asked, “Are you?”

Nicky actually stumbled over his words for a moment. As though no one but Erik had ever bothered to ask him that question. “Of course I am, why?”

“I don’t know. You take a lot of shit on the court.” _I know I add to that,_ “I’m sorry.”

Kevin imagined the easy way Nicky would dismiss the apology, a wave of his hand or rolling his eyes with that wide smile. He would have swung an arm around Kevin. “Thanks buddy,” he said, his voice incredibly soft. “I miss you, you know that?”

Months ago, Kevin would have never admitted something like this. Now, he thought it was something very easy to say. “I miss you too.” He liked saying the words, knowing that he felt comfortable enough in his own skin, _happy_ enough that he could tell his friend how he really felt about him.

“Miss me enough to give me a break when we start training again?”

“Don’t hold your breath.” Nicky laughed again and Kevin added, “I’ll let you go now. Matt and I are heading up to the Hamptons today for an event.”

“That’s very coupley of you.”

Kevin grinned. “I know.”

“Alright Kev, I’ll see you soon. Bye!”

“Bye,” Kevin hung up and lay back in his bed. He stretched out his limbs, and frowned with the idea that he couldn’t practice today. His tattoo was healed nicely, but they were leaving for the Hamptons in an hour, the event that was going on was starting in the afternoon and would lead into the night. Kevin didn’t bother to ask what it was for, he was just going to give Matt moral support. Kevin had slept in, he and Matt were up until two the night before playing a video game that Kevin was just terrible at.

It was ten, and they were leaving at eleven to make the two hour drive up to the Hamptons. Kevin groaned and turned in his bed, shoving his face into his pillow. He was so, so comfortable.

The door was thrown open unceremoniously, and Kevin turned his face so he could watch Matt walk in.

“So?” Matt asked, looking at Kevin with a big grin. “How do I look?

Kevin struggled to find the right word. Matt was wearing dark pants with a well fitted pastel pink button down short sleeved shirt. His hair was not spiked up like he used to wear it, but rather styled to the side, and slightly slicked back. Kevin thought it suited him better than his spikes, having it messy or styled differently.

“You look stunning.” Kevin mumbled, astounded.

Matt’s grin widened and he walked over to Kevin, leaning down and pressing a kiss to Kevin’s head. “Good morning,”

“Morning,”

“Are you hungry?”

“A little,” he admitted.

“My mom is a better cook than I am,” Matt went in the closet in the room, pulling out red pants and a blue shirt that looked very light to wear, that were already pre rolled up to the elbows for Kevin. “You won’t sweat in this,” Matt promised. “It’s like wearing nothing.” He hung it on the closet doors and walked over to Kevin, sitting by him.

“I thought you said I would be wearing a suit.”

Matt shrugged. “Mom said that the dress code is no longer formal because of the weather, but formal-casual. Which, yes, I didn’t know what that meant, which is why I called Allison to have her decide what I was wearing.”

“I’m surprised you’re allowing me to wear red pants.” Kevin sat up, the sheet cascading down his chest smoothly. He didn’t miss the way Matt’s eyes swept over Kevin’s bare torso, and that gave him quite the ego boost.

“You said it was your favourite color.” He shrugged easily. “I think you’ll look great.”

“Are you ready?” Kevin asked, lifting his hand and placing it on Matt’s face. He was addicted, he knew that, like he had been (kind of still was) with his vodka that he needed as a clutch. This was better though, running his thumb over Matt’s cheekbone, watching Matt watch him back. “For today?”

Matt shrugged. “I think so. There’s going to be so many people, I’ll barely see my dad and his friends.”

“Isn’t your dad a doctor?”  Kevin asked. “Why does he need to have a party in the Hamptons?”

“He’s a doctor who lives on the Upper East Side. He’s a doctor with a lot of wealthy friends.” Matt turned his face to kiss Kevin’s hand. Kevin’s heart struck in his chest. “From my understanding, my dad is providing the house to his friend who owns an agent company. For athletes, actors, and all that…” Matt waved his hand around. “What better way to show off a company than at a fancy party? Maybe it’ll be good, maybe we can talk to some scouts, make some connections.”

“I’m Kevin Day,” he reminded Matt. “I do not need a connection.”

“Ah, what it must be like to live in such a state of bliss.”

Kevin pretended to ponder that before he said, “It’s quite nice.”

“Asshole,” Matt laughed softly, leaning in and kissing him tenderly.

Kissing Matt with his shirt off made Kevin very aware of his body. There was a safe distance between them; Kevin’s hand on Matt’s face, Matt’s hand slowly lifting to rest on Kevin’s arm. Kevin was a little self-conscious considering he hadn’t brushed his teeth yet, but their kissing hadn’t developed into anything concerning tongue, Kevin hoped it wasn’t that bad.

Matt pulled away, struggling with something. “Okay, you need to put on a shirt now.”

Kevin grinned. “Go make me food.” He pecked Matt’s lips.

“Yes, your highness,” and he leaned forward, pressing his lips gently against Kevin’s queen tattoo.

 

* * *

 

The party was, needless to say, extravagant.

Everyone was dressed beautifully, and Kevin fell into a familiar stance that he used in front of the press. Easy smiles, posing for pictures when photographers recognized him. He knew he looked good, and although his anxiety whispered to him; _people will talk when they see you here, photographed with Matt, it’s easier to be heterosexual, you know that,_ Kevin did his best to stay in his own world. If it came out into the public it would, he knew that it was the press that cared more about people’s sexuality than his own team did. Still, Matt, being Matt knew how Kevin was and maintained a friendly space between them, and didn’t touch him intimately the whole time.

The car ride up so far had been Kevin’s favourite part. Kevin was good in front of people when he had to be, but that didn’t mean he liked it. The car ride however, had maintained the casual fun that Kevin had been experiencing upon his arrival in New York. Matt had driven up, his mother next to him, singing along to songs that Kevin didn’t know. Kevin had taken some videos and photos with his phone, saving them.

“So,” Matt came up behind him, subtly tracing his hand along Kevin’s waist before he handed him another glass of champagne. Matt had been balancing his own along Kevin’s and they clinked their drinks together, Matt’s eyes twinkling. “I was thinking.”

“Scary thought,” Kevin teased, taking a sip.

Matt grinned and took a sip himself, holding it loosely between his index and middle finger. “I know we’ve been officially seeing each other for like, two weeks or whatever, but I was thinking about the dorm situation.” He waved at someone who called his name before the person went along their way, going to talk to someone richer and more well known.

Kevin hadn’t thought about that at all. “Oh, Neil and Andrew…” he mumbled.

“Well, yeah, Neil and Andrew but also you know, you and me.” He said, and for the first time since Kevin had known Matt, Matt looked _very_ nervous. “We can room together, if you want.” He cleared his throat. “I mean, that way Neil could room with Nicky and Andrew. Aaron can room with us that way he can see Katelyn easier. It works out.”

“Look at you,” Kevin said, fighting a smile. “Thinking about others.”

“Well that’s what I was taught, you know that.” He joked, but Kevin saw the tension in his eyes. It amused him to know that Matt was so nervous about something like this, something so casual. It was just rooming together, they would still be in separate beds. “So, what do you think?”

Kevin took another sip of his champagne. “Are you my boyfriend?” he asked seriously.

Matt opened his mouth and then shut it, before he opened it again. “Yes. I mean, if you want that?” he asked.

“I do,” Kevin nodded. “I told Nicky.”

“Oh,” Matt’s mouth turned up a little in a smile. “That’s good.”

“I don’t want to tell everyone else right away.”

“Okay.”

“I don’t date people casually,” Kevin told him. It was the biggest truth that Kevin could ever give Matt. He didn’t date, he had hook ups that meant nothing, mostly with him touching the other person, and he had, once upon a time, Jean. “And there are things you don’t know about me.”

“You’re not as mysterious as you think you are.” Matt shrugged. “I’m not afraid to find out things about you.” he mumbled, smiling at a waiter who passed them, placing his drink on the platter. “I don’t scare easy.”

“I noticed.”

“So?” Matt asked, grinning hopefully.

Kevin nodded. “Yes, we can room together.”

“Sweet,” Matt fisted the air, which was such a _Matt_ thing to do that it made Kevin laugh into his drink. “Okay, okay good, this is good.”

“Yes,” Kevin grinned. “You’re very nervous.”

“It shows that much, huh?” he laughed. “Sorry. With Dan it was different.”

“Easier?”

Matt shrugged and moved on easily from the mention of Dan, clearly not wanting to make Kevin uncomfortable. He looked Kevin up and down slowly, moving close and saying his ear. “You look fucking gorgeous.” Just like that Matt had went from nervous and stumbling over his words to making Kevin melt on the spot.

Kevin put on his best glare and threw it to Matt, since he couldn’t do what he actually wanted and make out with him in front of everyone. “Really?” he growled.

“Really,” Matt laughed. “I can’t wait to take you home so I can show you just how good I think you look.”

“Any louder Matt.”

“You’re the loud one.”

Kevin’s mouth dropped from the accusation. “I am _not_ ,”

“Oh you are too,” Matt laughed, motioning for Kevin to follow him. They walked over to one of the tables, grabbing a few sandwiches to share between them before grabbing a spot to themselves. Beyond them, people were chatting over the live band, drinking expensive drinks and shaking hands and talking business. Kevin didn’t care for any of it. “You make a lot of noise when we kiss so I can only imagine—”

“Well, well,” said a voice. “Please _do_ continue that sentence.”

Kevin hadn’t expected his cover to be blown so quickly, but of all the people to catch him in the act of it, he thanked the universe that it was Allison Reynolds. She looked fantastic as usual, wearing a tight white dress with crystal shoes that Kevin could only assume were uncomfortable, with a matching crystal flower crown. Her makeup was softer than normal, and there was something lighter in her eyes.

“Well,” her smile was smug and knowing. “It’s about damn time.”

“Allison—”

“Oh, save it,” she rolled her eyes at Matt. “Don’t even bother. For one, I’m not deaf, and secondly I’ve been waiting for this for a while.” She pointed between the two of them. Kevin forgot that he had never mentioned to Matt that Allison had already known about Kevin’s feelings. Although he never thought that she would actually bet on them.

Matt looked like a deer in the headlights. “What are you even _doing_ here?” he hissed, getting up and smoothing out his shirt. Kevin grabbed the last sandwich and popped it into his mouth before he also got up. He allowed Allison to come forward and kiss him twice, one on each cheek before she did the same with Matt.

“My parents are here,” Allison flipped her hair back. “I decided to be a bitch and come show my face as well.”

Matt’s mouth twitched. “You knew I was coming.”

Allison went in her purse and took out some eyeliner, slapping it against Kevin’s chest. “I bought this for you,” she told him before she looked back at Matt. “Yes, I did. I thought surprising you would be more interesting.”

“Allison—”

“Kevin knows your secrets are safe with me,” she interrupted him. Kevin nodded in confirmation when Matt looked over at him. “Relax big boy, I don’t care. I knew it would happen.”

Kevin almost grinned. “Did you?”

“Sure, Kevin Day always gets what he wants, even if it takes a while.” She wound one arm through Kevin’s and one arm through Matt’s and began to walk with them. Kevin felt like he shouldn’t be so astounded, Allison had a way of appearing and taking control of any situation as she desired. “Dan and Renee are fine by the way, thank you for asking.”

Matt grinned. “You didn’t really give me a chance to collect myself.”

“And you?” she asked, turning toward him. “Pocket that,” she motioned to the eyeliner.

Kevin did what he was told. “What?”

“Cat got your tongue?”

“I’m just…” he frowned at her. “I didn’t expect you.”

“I missed you too.” She said, glancing at the photographer. “Smile for the team kids,” she positioned herself perfectly between the two men, the photographer snapping away before they continued their walk. Kevin felt flabbergasted. “You look good, surprisingly good. I’m shocked considering Nicky and I weren’t here to dress you.”

“I do not need to be dressed, I am not a child.”

“No, but if I had a dollar for every time you wore your track pants with a sweater I’d be a millionaire.”

“You _are_ a millionaire.”

“Oh,” Allison said happily. “That’s right.”

Kevin chuckled and Matt laughed loudly. Kevin allowed himself the same thing he did that morning with Nicky, telling Allison quietly as though it was a very careful thing to give away, “I did miss you.”

Allison knew what it meant to get that from Kevin and responded in her haughty tone to make him feel better, “I’m very missable.”

Matt elbowed her playfully. “Debatable.”

“It’s not nice to tell lies.” Allison reminded him. Being with Allison in a place like this was like being alongside a tornado or a hurricane, it was true what they had said about her, she was a force of nature. Allison was a different kind of person entirely, she demanded attention and if she didn’t automatically get it then she fought for it. Kevin felt tiny next to her in a different way than he did next to Matt. Allison could make the tallest person feel small. He was lucky that he was in her good graces.

“Kevin Day,” a new voice said, and Kevin’s mind was spinning because Allison had appeared and Matt wanted to share a room and _he recognized that voice, he knew that voice._

Kevin stopped in his tracks, his heart stopping in his chest. Allison and Matt were forced to a stop because of him, and they undid themselves from their chain, Matt looking over Kevin’s head, his eyes narrowing while Allison looked at Kevin with careful eyes.

Kevin had to force himself to turn around, swallowing the bile from the sandwiches that threatened to rise. “Ichirou,” he murmured.

He didn’t think about it, not once, when Randy had mentioned that athletes would be here, not when Matt mentioned scouts. Not once in the whirlwind of this entire trip did he think he would come face to face with Ichirou Moriyama. He was wearing clothing that was worth probably more than what he, Matt and Allison were wearing put together. By his side was Matt’s father, who seemed completely oblivious, and another man that Kevin didn’t know, who was looking at Matt with interest.

Kevin really wanted to vomit.

Allison wound her arm through Kevin’s, something Renee had done once when he was facing the Ravens. Her weight by his side was a friendly reminder that he was not alone, but Kevin felt the world closing into him as he stared at Ichirou.

“I’m surprised to see you at a party instead of practice.” His voice was apathetic, just as his expression.

Kevin swallowed. “I got a tattoo, and so could not push my muscles too much.”

“Since when does Kevin Day hand out excuses?”

Allison’s eyes flashed dangerously and she opened her mouth but Kevin tightened his hold in warning. “I plan on taking the court by storm.” He said. “Missing a week means nothing, I’m better than the others.”

“That you are.” Ichirou told him. “Allison Reynolds, and Matt Boyd, correct?” he held out his hand, to which Matt shook and Allison glared at. Ichirou stared at her and Allison smiled back sweetly, but she did not shake it. Kevin would never want to go up against her.

Matt’s father, Donald pointed to his friend. “Kids, this is Brandon. Matt, you remember him?” Kevin didn’t like the way that was worded, or how the man looked at Matt, or how Matt looked at him back, or how Ichirou looked at all three of them.

Kevin wanted a drink.

“I have something for you,” Ichirou told him. He went inside his jacket pocket and took out an envelope, handing it to him. “I do not know what is in it, nor do I care. A box of the remainder of your things have been sent to your father, and this was left behind. It was packed away by the team, and so I said I would pass it on.”

“Thank you.” Kevin said numbly, grabbing the envelope.

Ichirou nodded and walked away, effectively leaving them all stunned. Allison watched him go, her eyes like a hawk. Donald Boyd looked at Matt with a stupid smile that Kevin couldn’t stomach. “I worked with a Raven of his recently, they had a broken finger.”

“Is that all?” Kevin whispered, shaking his head. He studied the envelope between his hands, trying his best to listen to the conversation that was continuing to unfold.

“Excuse me,” Donald said, leaving them.

Brandon was still there, and he said to Matt, “Where’s your girl?” he asked. Oh yes, Kevin really wanted to vomit.

Matt’s voice was polite, which meant he was angry. “We’re not together anymore.”

“So which one is yours then?” he asked, motioning to the two of them. Kevin lifted his gaze, his heart in his chest, zeroing in on Brandon. He was not a very attractive person, or maybe that was because Kevin just didn’t like any of the words that came from him.

Allison snapped, “None of us belong to anyone. No one here is a pet,” she knew that she was saying that more for Kevin’s benefit than Matt’s.

Brandon leaned forward, grinning. “It’s you right?” he said to Kevin. “We all saw you two talking before—”

“Hey—”

“Don’t worry, we tamed him nice and good for you. You’ll have fun with him.”

Kevin felt like he was falling. Allison was confused for barely a moment before understanding dawned on her face. Matt made a choked sound, but Kevin was far gone. He looked up, not understanding who he was or what was happening or who was in front of him.

This person, this _poor excuse for a human being_ had hurt Matt. Had done to him what Kevin had been forced to do to Jean.

What Andrew had done to him by Drake.

He lunged.

Or rather, he tried to.

Matt’s iron arms were around him in an instant, bringing him close to his chest. Allison barked something rude to Brandon who left immediately, and Kevin felt himself being dragged into the house by Matt and Allison. Kevin couldn’t stop picturing it— _Kevin fucking Jean, Brandon fucking Matt, the remains of Drake scattered on the floor._

_Jean crying._

_Matt crying._

_Andrew laughing._

_Three people Kevin loved being taken advantage of_. _Riko snarling in his ear, “Your sexuality means nothing. Kiss Jean Moreau again and I’ll do more than make you fuck him.”_

Kevin didn’t notice being hauled into a bedroom. He felt like he was completely apart from his body. His hands were gripping the envelope intensely, Allison was trying to get his intention and Matt looked like he was trying to get his anger under control.

“I need…” Kevin dropped the envelope to the ground, trying to find his bearings. He looked down at his left hand and began to trace the number two into it.

“Hey,” Allison snapped. “Stop that.”

“Leave me alone,” he whispered, closing his eyes. Riko was in his ear again, _you spineless thing._ “Leave me alone,” he told Riko, who wasn’t listening. He wanted to call Jean. He wanted to cry. He wanted to get very, very drunk. He was watching Matt, who leaned down and picked up the envelope, frowning at it and opening it. When he did, he flinched hard and Allison looked over at him curiously.

Kevin’s eyes were glued to the envelope.

“Allison,” Matt said softly. “Can we have time alone please?”

Allison looked like she was about to argue, but she actually held her tongue. She nodded, and moved in front of Kevin, grabbing his face between her hands. “Hey,” she told him. “Remember who you are.” She tapped his tattoo. “I’ll be outside when you’re both ready.” She said, walking out. Kevin had a feeling Allison wouldn’t stand being outside for long, and that she would probably go find Brandon and give him a good slap, or Ichirou and say something so subtly rude he wouldn’t even have known what hit him.

Kevin breathed out slowly. “Show me.” He whispered.

“Kevin…”

“That was one of the men who…” he looked up at Matt. “Hurt you?”

“Kevin,” Mat murmured. “I’m okay. I’m worried about you, not me.”

Kevin understood that, but he didn’t accept it. “I want to kill him.”

“I know.”

“How are you okay?” he whispered.

Matt smiled down at his track marks and said, “I’ve already dealt with my demons.” He looked down at whatever was inside the envelope. “Let me throw this away. It will be easier.”

Kevin swallowed. “If we got what we deserved, we wouldn’t be Foxes.”

“Kevin,”

Kevin’s curiosity got the better of him. He grabbed the envelope and looked down at it, his eyes brimming with tears as the realization of what was in front of him settled. There were two photos, two photos that _Matt had seen, God, what must he think of it—_ one photo was Kevin on the ground, his face blood and his hand completely torn up and destroyed. That was hours before he had made it to Wymack. The other was a picture that conveniently had Jean and Kevin’s tied up hands cut off, but showed them in bed together, Jean with his face to the side and Kevin’s mouth hanging open from pleasure.

Kevin let the pictures drop to the ground and turned away. He walked to the master bathroom in whatever master bedroom he was in. those were two images that were burned into his brain, two things he would not come back from. Every time he thought things were getting good again, he fell. Every time he thought he could be happy, it ended.

Kevin stood in front of the mirror, shaking badly. Matt was steps behind him, staring at him curiously.

“Kevin?”

Kevin raised his hand and pressed it against the glass. Then he raised his left hand and curled it into a fist, ready to strike.

Matt’s hand caught him before he could.

“No,” he said, his voice like steel.

“Let me go,” Kevin begged—and he didn’t know what he meant by it. Let go of his hand, of being his boyfriend, of all of it. _I don’t deserve this,_ he thought, _those photos prove that_.

“No,” Matt said again, and this time his voice was softer. He leaned forward and wrapped his arms around Kevin, turning him around so that Kevin’s face was pressed against his chest. “I’m not letting go. We don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to, not right away, but I’m not going away.”

Kevin shook in Matt’s arms before he felt his breath catch. His fists were balled up between their bodies, and Kevin closed his eyes, focusing on Matt’s smell and his arms, and the feeling of being safe.

“He’s so loud,” Kevin whispered in defeat.

“I can be louder.” Matt told him. “No more Kevin, no more hurting. I can’t see you like that, like when you hurt yourself.”

“I’m always hurting.” Kevin responded.

“You’ve been so good this month,” Matt disagreed. “Let me bring you back there. Let’s leave, we can go home, you can read, I’ll put on another movie you hate and you can complain for two hours.”

Kevin didn’t have the energy to agree or disagree. He went along with whatever Matt said. He allowed himself to be taken outside of the house, he hoped he was vocal enough to say goodbye to Allison but wasn’t quite sure he managed that either. He didn’t speak the whole drive home, nor when Matt asked to undress him so he could put Kevin in his bottoms that he slept in. Kevin barely agreed. He couldn’t feel anything. This was a very different kind of emotion—his anxiety usually at least made him hyper aware of his heart, of his body, of his mind. Right now, he just felt nothing.

He remembered everything, and felt nothing.

He still let Matt pull him down into Matt’s bed, and sighed in relief when he felt Matt’s arms wrap around him in security.

Maybe not nothing, maybe he still felt something.

Kevin closed his eyes. “I’m sorry you were hurt,” he whispered.

“I’m sorry you were hurt.” Matt responded.

They hadn’t kissed, for which Kevin was glad. He was sure he couldn’t handle it, not with the image of Jean so clear in his head. “I’m sorry I’m not more.”

“You’re more than enough,” Matt disagreed. “Sleep Kevin.”

So Kevin did what he was told. He slept, and the feel of Matt’s arms kept him safe the whole night, and even kept the nightmares away.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HEY EVERYONE!!
> 
> okay so hopefully you all liked this chapter. i really really liked the first half, it was fun to write. i know the second half is more fast paced and it seems everywhere, but thats the point, kevin's mind is trying to register too much at once, so it had to be choppy because he doesnt really understand (or want to understand) the things that are happening to him. 
> 
> the pastel matt piece comes fom al_thea. and the eyeliner is back! makeup!kevin will be returning
> 
> now since this is tfc, there will continue to be heavy moments, but this is the last of the MASSIVE angst i think. next chapter we're back to matt and kevin exploring each other (in every way that you can think), and we are back on the foxhole court! so everyone comes back next chapter! 
> 
> thank you for all the comments, those of you who comment on every single chapter have a special place in my heart i swear to god. i cant stop smiling from all the comments.
> 
> to make up for the angst i promise next chapter is going to have a hot and heavy moment with them and lots of fluff dont worry xx


	16. finally

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: mention of rape 
> 
> this is not an angst chapter tho i promise

Needless to say, practice didn’t start off very well.

Two weeks had passed since the incident involving the Hamptons. One week had passed before Kevin could kiss Matt without seeing Jean tied to a bed behind his eyelids. One week and a half had passed before Kevin had to take a cold shower after he and Matt had a very heavy make out sessions resulting in Kevin almost asking for something he wasn’t ready for.

He wouldn’t be ready until he told Matt everything.

Matt was waiting patiently, and while it was for certain that people’s relationships developed at different times, Kevin was tired of being the broken thing he had been his whole life, and thought that he deserved some semblance of joy.

It was not often that he called a halt to practice, but the new Foxes and the old Foxes were driving him insane, and Jean was calling him back and if Kevin would stop a practice for one person it would be Jean Moreau.

“Fuck off, all of you,” Kevin snapped. “Neil, get them together.” He growled—he didn’t look Dan in the eyes as he went. He already knew she was seething as he took it upon himself to bark out an order. “Christ of hell,” he muttered, going over to his things and digging for his phone. “Jean,” he breathed, walking away further. If he sat, his muscles would relax.

Jean responded in French, which meant he was probably near someone. “I’m sorry I’m late on returning your call. I’ve been settling in.”

“Are you already better?” Kevin asked, looking down at his shoes.

“Yes, and no,” he responded, and Kevin didn’t have to ask what that meant. “Jeremy is very…”

“Upbeat?”

“I wonder if he knows any other emotion,” he admitted.

“Perhaps it will be good for you. It’s a nice change of pace.” He murmured, sighing and looking over at his team. Neil and Jack seemed to be arguing, while Allison was trying not to smirk. Dan looked like she was close to losing her shit, while Nicky tried to calm everyone down—Matt helping. The Minyards, Renee, Sheena, and Robin were all to the side, quieter but looking still. Kevin’s eyes strayed back to Matt and he gathered his courage and asked Jean, “Would it bother you if I told someone, about what happened with you and me?”

Jean was quiet for a very long moment, Kevin counted until twenty one before he spoke again. “I think,” Jean said slowly. “Depending on who you tell. Who is this person to you?”

“What you were to me, except…”

“More?”

“Different.”

“Different,” Jean tested the word before he added, “Are you trying to _be_ with someone?” Kevin didn’t know what Jean meant by ‘be’ but either way he meant it, the answer was yes. Kevin nodded, then remembered he was on the phone, and muttered it into the phone. “You can tell this person, if you want.”

“I think I have to, in order to move forward.”

“I know.”

“You know how sorry I am,” Kevin said softly. “I know I can’t take it back, but Jean…”

“I know,” Jean said. “I must go. Jeremy is waiting for me.”

“Sure, okay,” Kevin cleared his throat.

“Kevin,” something sounded wrecked in Jean’s voice, and Kevin was sure he would have sounded the same if he had to talk any more than he was. “You deserve to be happy.”

Stunned, Kevin had to remind himself to speak. “Thank you Jean. So do you.”

“Goodbye Kevin,”

“Bye,” he muttered, closing it numbly. He stared at the screen before walking over to his bag and dropped it in, running his hands through his sweaty hair. With a great sigh he walked back over to the team, ignoring Dan’s angry snap to him and Matt’s look of slight worry. Drowning out everything Jean had said to him he walked right up to Jack and grabbed him by his shirt, glaring at him. “You,” he snarled. “You want to live up to my standards? Stop mouthing off to your vice-captain and do as he and your captain tell you.”

Jack shoved himself away from Kevin but didn’t fight back—Jack idolized Kevin, he would never go against him. “Why do you let him talk over you?”

Nicky looked at Andrew’s arm bands and smiled sadly. “Because he knows what’s good for him.” he looked over at Kevin and walked towards him, slinging an easy arm around Kevin’s shoulders. “This is going to be fun, huh, Kev?” he asked, squeezing him tenderly.

“Enough,” Kevin told him, and he meant it too. This practice was taking way too long. “You’re all being idiots.”

Allison looked down at her nails. “It’s good to be home,” she said dryly.

Aaron was glaring at Jack, clearly unamused with his attitude which was really saying something. “Jesus fuck, we’re never going to get out of here if this idiot keeps running his mouth.”

“Fuck you,” Jack spat at him.

Sheena, who was just as awful as Jack said, “He probably wishes.”

Aaron shot her a glare. “I’m not gay.”

Nicky bumped Kevin playfully. “His loss, eh?”

Kevin rolled his eyes and grabbed his racquet. “For the love of— _Wymack!_ ” he barked.

Wymack had his arms crossed, looking at all of them with an extreme look of distaste. He walked over, pinching the bridge of his nose, clearly trying to relax himself. “I don’t know why I have this job,” he muttered.

Renee, who could make anyone softer, walked up next to him and put a hand on his arm, smiling gently. “Maybe we should cut practice short, for today. Tensions are high.”

“Tensions are always going to be high with these losers.”

Dan finally snapped, her voice quick and angry. “You’re all going to get over this bullshit. Jack, Sheena, show Neil respect. I don’t care if you all hate each other, but when you take the court, you leave your personal problems behind. Do you all understand me?” she glared at the rookies and waited for them to nod. When they did, she looked like she was still ready to punch them, and then she walked off the court angrily. “I’m not having a repeat of last year!” she rang out.

Kevin was tired. He watched his team walk away from him, Matt included before he took a moment for himself, dropping on one knee and splaying his left hand on the court, feeling it beneath his fingers. He remembered it, muscle memory. This was what he was good at.

“Kevin,”

Kevin looked up at Andrew, who was looking down at him with a terribly bored expression. Kevin wondered what kind of emotions Neil was able to pull from him, and hoped that it was something real. Kevin wanted good things for both of them, despite their constant antagonism with each other.

“Andrew,”

“You’re being dramatic,” he put his foot near Kevin’s hand, tapping it, and Kevin took it away quickly.

“You’re not funny.” Kevin told him, but he got up and walked to the locker room. Andrew was by his side, and Kevin had no idea what to say to him. They knew each other’s stories, although that was more one sided, and they had never talked about anything important or personal. Kevin wasn’t sure if Andrew wanted to.

“We all saw the photos,” Andrew told him. “You should be careful.”

Kevin’s heart stopped. “What photos?” he breathed, grabbing Andrew’s wrist to stop him.

Andrew looked down at where Kevin was touching him and glanced back at him. “Do you want to keep your hands?”

Kevin made a clicking noise with his tongue before he released Andrew. “What photos?” he asked again.

“You, Allison, and Matthew fucking Boyd in the Hamptons.” He told him. “Team is talking. Why were you there?”

“I was bored.” Kevin snapped. “I didn’t think you and Neil would want me on your fucking honeymoon.”

“So instead you shacked up with Matt Boyd.”

“I didn’t _shack_ with anyone. I…” he sighed angrily as he walked into the locker room, lowering his voice when he noticed people were still there. “I have a life apart from this court, despite your fucking presumptions.”

“I’m watching you,”

“I’m safe now, I don’t need to be watched. I’m not yours anymore.” _I never was, not that way._ “Be done with me.” He told Andrew, walking away from him. He didn’t look at Matt and didn’t look at Nicky, Kevin did what he had to do—took a long shower until he couldn’t think and until his muscles relaxed, before he got out and dried himself off, pulling on a pair of shorts and a simple bland shirt. Gathering his things he walked out of the showers and sighed tiredly when he saw Neil still there, with Matt who was doing a very good job at pretending to look for something in his bag—already showered and changed.

“Neil,” Kevin murmured.

Neil put his hands up in defence. “I just wanted to say thank you.”

“That’s a first.”

“You didn’t have to do that, with Jack,”

“I shouldn’t have to,” Kevin threw his towel over his bag, sitting on the bench. “You’re a vice captain, learn to stand on your own feet. I thought Andrew taught you how to do that already.”

Neil’s eyes hardened. “I was distracted since he was trying to teach you how to grow a spine at the same time.”

Kevin smiled thinly. “I beat you there too then. I got mine.” He tapped his queen tattoo. “Last year you had a mouth and it got you into trouble. This year it’s your own team you need to say that shit to, not anyone out there. Put them in line, before they walk all over you.”

Neil knew Kevin was right, which was why he didn’t say anything back. If he had disagreed, really disagreed, Kevin knew that Neil would have argued with him. Their relationship was strange—each of them knew the other’s value, each of them respected the other, but their friendship was built only on Exy and nothing beyond that. Neil never trusted Kevin with what happened to him at the Nest, and Kevin never did so with Neil either, even though they had both been through similar torturous moments there. Still, underlying understanding swam between them both, and so that created a bond in which when it came to outsiders, like Jack, they would always have each other’s back.

That’s what mattered, in the end. That was why Neil didn’t argue.

“Later man,” Matt held out his fist as Neil walked by, and Neil tapped knuckles with him. When Neil shut the door, Kevin looked at Matt and Matt _looked_ at Kevin so Kevin’s mouth twitched and he _looked_ back.

Matt laughed. “Damn you.”

Kevin shrugged. “We had one practice for barely two hours and I already feel five years older.”

Matt got up and walked over to Kevin, sitting next to him on the bench. He placed his hand on Kevin’s thigh, squeezing it, and Kevin was so full of _want_. “You’re so dramatic.”

“I’m so dramatic?” Kevin asked. “Jesus, Jack and Sheena are going to be the death of me.”

“At least you have a fan.”

Kevin patted Matt’s face. “Baby, you don’t need to call yourself a fan.”

Matt laughed one of Kevin’s favourite laughs. He leaned in and kissed the corner of Kevin’s mouth. Kevin already felt better. He moved so their lips brushed, barely a kiss at all, and Kevin’s entire body surged forward into Matt’s steady, welcoming arms. “I like that,” Matt said against his lips.

“What?”

“You calling me baby.”

Kevin liked it too.

What Matt intended as a soft kiss quickly turned into something urgent. Kevin thrust his tongue into Matt’s mouth, pushing his body against Matt’s stronger one. Matt was surprised, from the noise he made in the back of his throat but didn’t push Kevin away. His miraculous arms gathered Kevin up and put Kevin on his lap—something new and exciting, and when Kevin pressed down _just right—_

“Fuck,” Matt stilled Kevin’s moving hips, pulling his lips away, his eyebrows tensed in concentration. “Okay, we’re done.”

Kevin rolled his hips again and kissed Matt thoroughly. “Are we?”

Matt forgot himself for a moment, before he pulled away, gently moving Kevin off him. “Yeah, otherwise I’m going to bust in my pants.”

Kevin felt dizzy. “Maybe I want that.”

Matt smiled softly and got up, Kevin grinned as he rearranged himself, pressing down against his bulge with a wince. “See what you did?” he teased, walking over and kissing Kevin on his forehead. Kevin loved when Matt did that, it was a habit that Matt had taken up, which made Kevin’s heart swelled with such joy each time.

They gathered their things and walked out together, their hands brushing each other occasionally. “I was thinking,” Matt murmured. “I know you don’t want to tell the team, which is fine, but I think you should tell Wymack.”

“Why?” Kevin asked.

“He’s your father.”

“But he’s not my dad.” Kevin told him. He knew Matt understood the difference, Matt had his own paternal struggles.

Matt shrugged. “But he’s…coach. I don’t think he could ever be your dad unless either of you, you know,” he made a motion with his hands, his fingers twining with themselves. “Mould.”

“Mould?”  Kevin grinned. “Jesus, am I like fungus?”

“I would never make out with fungus.”

Kevin sighed, scratching his chin as they walked towards Fox Tower. “Why do you want me to tell him?”

“I don’t know,” Matt seemed genuine with that. He frowned, opening the door for Kevin, who walked through. “I just…I don’t know.” He said again.

“Well since you cleared that up.”

Matt threw him a look. “Don’t. I just mean, I don’t know babe—”

“ _Babe_?”

“You could call me baby but I can’t call you babe?”

Kevin put his key into the door of their dorm and walked in, sighing in relief when he saw that Aaron wasn’t there. “You can call me anything you want.” He told him.

Matt chuckled. “Look, all I’m saying is that I want you to be happy. From what you’ve told me, you want to be a _son_ to Wymack, so why shouldn’t you tell him something important?”

“You think you’re important to me?” Kevin asked, walking into his room to drop his bags. Matt had dropped his in the living room and walked into Kevin’s room, closing the door. As he turned around, he grinned at Matt who was looking at him expectantly.

“I know I am.”

Kevin shrugged. “I’ll give you that.” He laughed—and that was the end of that, both of them understanding that yes Kevin and Matt were important and real, and yes Kevin would consider telling Wymack exactly what was going on. For now though, this was what mattered—Matt kissing him, dragging him forward by the collar of his shirt, pushing Kevin against the wall. Kevin liked that very much too.

“My turn,” Kevin tried to breathe, pulling his mouth away. “I need to talk to you about something.”

Matt heard the attempt at seriousness in Kevin’s tone and went over to sit on his bed. Kevin locked his door and ran both of his hands through his drying hair. He watched Matt sit on his bed, leaving the space next to the wall open for Kevin.

“Do you know why I like sleeping against the wall?” Kevin asked.  When Matt shook his head, Kevin remembered Jean’s words, _you deserve to be happy_. Kevin would be honest. Matt would accept that honesty. It was okay to be vulnerable. It was okay to want to be loved. “It has to do with my anxiety. It makes me feel safer, feeling the wall against me like that.”

Matt’s eyes were clearly sad, and he reached out for Kevin, pulling him onto the bed. They rearranged themselves so Kevin was comfortable, their legs twined together, both on their sides as they looked at each other.

“I need to tell you something,” he told him.

Matt nodded. “You can tell me anything.”

In an effort to speak while his courage was still present, Kevin closed his eyes and moved closer a bit before he opened them. He reminded himself that he was safe, and there was a wall at his back and a person who cared about him in front of him, and that whatever he said in this room would be between the two of them.

“That photo, with Jean and I—”

“You don’t have to tell me,” Matt interrupted him. “I want you to know that, I don’t want to force you.”

“No, I have to. I can’t take—I can’t _want_ what I want with you, if I don’t tell you everything. Because, I want you but I can’t…have that, until you know everything.”

Matt nodded. “I won’t speak until you’re done.” He promised.

“I appreciate that,” Kevin murmured. He took one more deep breath before he began his story, deciding that to dive in all at once instead of taking time to himself. “Seth and Aaron’s homophobia was nothing on Riko’s,” he said softly, and immediately, Matt took his hand. “That picture you saw, was the result not of a night Jean and I wanted to share, but a night that was forced.”

“ _What—_ ”

“No, please Matt,” Kevin’s eyes fluttered shut. This was harder than he thought, and Matt apologized softly, pulling him close. He tucked Kevin’s head under his chin, his arms wrapping around him. That actually made it easier—for Kevin to speak with his eyes shut, to feel Matt’s body surrounding his. “The Nest was an unsafe place, for Jean more than any of us. We were lonely, and sad, and curious, and so we wanted more and tried to find it. All we did was kiss. All it was, was two friends finding solace, and maybe something more. It was just a kiss. Until it wasn’t. When Riko found out, he forced me to fuck Jean, and then passed Jean around like some kind of…” except there was no good word to sum up the atrocity of what had happened to Jean Moreau. “After a while, Jean lost the fight in him. So did I.”

Matt moved down the bed so they were eye level, and put their foreheads together. Kevin didn’t open his eyes, but he felt Matt’s breath on his lips, and moved his hands so he was hugging Matt back. “I’m so sorry, Kevin.”

“I’ve never made love.” Kevin admitted. “I’ve fucked Jean, and I’ve knelt in alleys for people who found me pretty enough to stick their dick in my mouth, but none of it ever meant anything.”

“Kevin,” Matt’s voice was so soft, his hand brushing over Kevin’s cheek. Kevin opened his eyes and was shocked to find Matt’s eyes brimming with tears. “How do I make this better?”

“You can want me,” Kevin told him. “And never make me feel bad about wanting you. I’m tired of feeling bad about it, about wanting a boy, about _wanting_ to want a boy. I want you. I _need_ you, you’re like…”  Kevin laughed brokenly, feeling his own tears burst quickly. “Matt Boyd, you came for me like a heart attack.”

Matt wiped a tear from Kevin’s eye. “I don’t want to kill you.” he tried to joke.

Kevin sighed, smiling softly. He had never felt so light. “I’m tired of hearing Riko in my head, and seeing Jean behind my eyes. I want to see you. I want to hear you. Those are the things I want.”

Matt nodded. “I’m yours, you know that.”

“Do you mean that?” When Matt nodded, Kevin swallowed and licked his lips, kissing Matt softly. “Then can I do something for you?”

“I feel like I should do something for you.”

“That’s not what I want.”

“What do you want?”

“To blow you.”

Matt pulled away, studying Kevin closely. “Are you sure? I mean after what you just—”

Kevin kissed him to shut him up. “I want,” he kissed him again, over and over, “you,” another kiss, “to fuck,” a kiss, a kiss, a kiss, “my mouth.”

Matt’s body jerked. “Jesus.”

“He’s not here.”

“Ha, ha.”

“This is what I want,” Kevin told him seriously. “I’ve done it a dozen times, and it never was important, and it never felt right. I want you to do it now. I want to blow you, I want you to fuck—”

Matt slapped his hand over Kevin’s mouth, laughing weakly. “Jesus, shut up, don’t talk like that.”

Kevin stared at him. “Can I?” he asked.

Matt kissed him deeply. “Yeah,” he whispered. “Yeah.”

It didn’t take long for Kevin to make his way. He and Matt kissed for a long moment, the two of them working up their excitement. All of Kevin’s anxieties melted away, and Matt’s wariness shifted into something more eager as they continued to kiss, before Kevin pulled his mouth away and shifted down, excitement tumbling around inside him as he pulled Matt’s shorts down.

Arguably, Kevin knew he should have expected Matt to be big. Seeing it, was something different.

Matt was breathing heavily, trying to stabilize himself. “Kevin you don’t need to—” his hips jerked when he felt Kevin’s hand by the base of his erection. “Jesus…”

Kevin didn’t know how well his jaw would do, but knew what he wanted to do, and that was what was important. “Put your hand in my hair,” he demanded.

Matt’s hand was shaking, but he did what Kevin told him to do. Kevin wanted to feel _wanted_ not taken care of—no, that was not it. He wanted to feel _safe, cared for, and wanted_ all at the same time. Somehow both delicate and strong all at once.

Matt’s body was falling apart. Kevin wondered if he had ever done this with a boy. “Is this your first…?”

“With…”

“Yeah.”

“Yeah.”

“Okay.”

“Okay.”

It made him glad to know he was Matt’s first. He was Matt’s first boy. Matt was his first for so many other things.

“When I go down,” Kevin swallowed. “You don’t have to be careful.”

“Okay,” Matt whispered.

Kevin, determined in all things, pressed his mouth to Matt’s erection, kisses here and there, before he swallowed him best he could, and to his great pride, he was able to take most of Matt into his mouth. Matt’s groan was an intense and beautiful thing. His moan filled Kevin’s room, and it made Kevin jerk his own hips into the bed. He was very far gone when it concerned Matt Boyd, and knew he would have to please himself at the same time this happened. So with that in mind, his hand slid between his body and the bedspread, squeezing himself. He looked up at Matt, who was looking back at him like he was seeing God, watching Kevin suck him off and get _himself_ off.

“Kevin,” Matt breathed—and it sounded like he meant _finally._

Kevin hummed, and Matt’s grip tightened. Kevin knew in that moment, that he would do anything to make Matt Boyd happy—to see this expression on his face every day. To be held in his arms and be _safe_ every day. To have Matt Boyd in his bed, talking and laughing and joking and _being together_.

Matt tested Kevin, giving a small thrust of his hips. Kevin’s moan spurred him forward, and he grasped himself harder, rubbing himself tenderly as he moaned. There was a burn in his throat that he welcomed, Matt moving his hips and running his hands over and over through Kevin’s hair, and Kevin allowed himself to be moved as such. It was so much, and so good, and Kevin had never enjoyed this, not ever, but this was different, this was Matt moaning and in his mouth and his hands tight in his hair and _fuck—_

Kevin did best he could to make it good for Matt, he thought he was doing it well enough considering Matt’s moans and pants, and “Kevin, _K-fuck_ ,” and he thrust a little rougher and Kevin felt himself slipping but in a very good way. When his nose brushed against Matt’s skin, Kevin moaned and shut his eyes tightly _because the ache and the burn was so good,_ and his hand sped up and _his climax, his glorious climax was reached and Kevin tried to moan Matt’s name and suddenly Matt was arching and pushed Kevin all the way down and Kevin felt Matt explode in his mouth—_

Kevin was dazed. He was done, but not done, still moving against his hand. He didn’t understand what was happened but he knew Matt had asked him something, and that Matt was pulling him up, and Kevin only whispered, “Over my shorts,” because to be naked was different and he needed a little more time than that.

Matt didn’t say a word, but god his tongue was another welcome weight in Kevin’s mouth as they kissed tenderly, eagerly, Kevin’s sensitive body coming alive under Matt’s touch. It was painful and pleasurable as he got hard again, and it took some time, but soon Matt had him gasping and moaning and _pleading “Matt, please, please, Matt,”_ before he was climaxing again, a second time, thrusting into Matt’s hand, his vision whiting out for a second.

The next thing he felt was a kiss on his forehead.

“Babe?” Matt whispered.

Kevin blinked a few times before coming to. Matt’s hand was on Kevin’s chest, and Kevin still felt apart from his body. “Wow,” he whispered. It was hard to find his bearings.

“Jesus, thought I lost you there.” Matt laughed. “I’m that good, are I?”

Kevin knew Matt meant good as in physical, but Kevin didn’t. So with as much emotion as he could muster, he said “Yes,” and he curled up to Matt, allowing himself to be _safe,_ allowing himself to let go of Riko’s voice which was threatening to take him, allowing himself to want, despite that voice. “Yes Matt, you are good. Thank you.”

Except what Kevin meant was, _I love you._

“You’re welcome,” Matt responded. Except it sounded like, _I know._

What Kevin didn’t know was that the feeling of separation from his body was a space he didn’t know he could achieve, and so when he slipped under, Matt stayed awake the entire time, thinking about his body, Kevin’s body, Jean Moreau and the dangers of Riko. What Kevin didn’t know was that Matt held Kevin close enough to remember that he would keep Kevin safe, and do whatever he could to keep Kevin happy.

What he didn’t know was that Matt’s ‘you’re welcome’ was really an _I love you too._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so as usual, thank you all for the comments, i love reading them. your long paragraphs of pain and joy make me so fucking happy haha
> 
> i hope you all liked this chapter. its going to continue down this road--foxes conflicts, matt x kevin, kevin bonding with wymack. matt and kevin, matt and kevin, matt and kevin
> 
> so kevin made a huge breakthrough this chapter, i hope you all liked how it went. he did what he had to do, he took things into his own hands and got what he wanted and matt gave it to him. 
> 
> thank you all for the love and the comments keep them coming. if you want to say hi to me somewhere else you can find me on twitter under mycoveriscas or tumblr under juliansalec
> 
> oh, and i also wrote a book, if you really like my writing and want to read some original content: http://amzn.to/2sWydX5


	17. crop top

The team, much to Kevin’s surprise and pleasure improved.

Only in skill.

Everywhere else, well, that was a mess.

Wymack had them all in the lounge, telling them every little thing they had done wrong. Kevin agreed, but bristled when he called out Kevin’s attitude. He kept his mouth shut and crossed his arms, fixing his gaze on Matt’s knee, keeping it there. He hated this, that Matt had to sit on the other side of the lounge. He hated that he was still on a couch with Neil and Andrew as if it still meant something. He supposed in ways it did, Kevin still kept up his appearances, he went to Columbia only a few nights ago. But August was swiftly approaching, which meant Matt’s birthday was swiftly approaching which meant that Kevin would have to celebrate that in secret with him too.

Kevin was growing tired of it. But his fear of what would happen, the retaliation from the press and his other teams knowing that Kevin Day now had a different sort of weakness—Matt Boyd, frightened him.

“So,” Wymack’s voice brought him back to attention only because it had changed in tone. It was a little softer, which was not like him, so Kevin took the time to move his gaze from Matt’s knee up to Wymack’s face. “I have to tell you all something. This will mean something different to my old Foxes than it does to you idiots,” he waved his hand over at Jack, Sheena and Robin. Robin seemed generally unaffected by any antagonism thrown her way, whereas Jack and Sheena threw their coach dirty looks. Jack muttered something under his breath, and Kevin only caught the words ‘fuck’ and something that ended in ‘-iot’.

“Hey,” Kevin snapped. He snapped his fingers when they didn’t look in his direction. “Show some fucking respect.”

Sheena threw him a glance. “Sticking up for daddy now?”

Kevin said “Fuck you,” at the same time Matt said “Hey,” at the same time that Wymack said “Jesus Christ.”

Andrew glanced at Kevin before slowly turning his deadly gaze towards Matt, but said nothing. He looked at Wymack then and told him, “I’m bored.”

“When aren’t you?” Wymack snapped. “Listen,” he sighed, waving his hand around. “Abby and I are getting married—”

Something very strange happened in the room then. It burst with noise even though everything in Kevin became very quiet inside.

Dan got up and exclaimed happily, and Renee joined her in the celebration. Allison’s eyes were on Kevin, and Matt was doing a very good job at _not_ looking at Kevin. Nicky subtly got up from his place and clapped Wymack on his back, congratulating him, but he had only done it to cover his footsteps as he made way for Kevin, sitting down in front of him, a hand on Kevin’s knee. The touch was meant to be casual, but Kevin knew better. Nicky was giving him comfort best he could, but in a way that would allow Kevin to keep the face he wore in front of his team.

Kevin wasn’t happy, but he wasn’t unhappy either. He was happy _for_ Wymack, but wondered if it would have been better if this had waited. If maybe, he and Wymack could have mended their fractured relationship before he got married and Kevin would have to try and have a mother _and_ a father. Kevin loved Abby, which helped the situation greatly, but the reality of it was that Kevin did not know how this would affect him.

Kevin pulled himself out of that place. This wasn’t about him.

It took him a long time to realize that everyone was waiting for him to speak. Kevin told his body to move but his body didn’t listen, so from his spot he said as best and happily as he could, “Congratulations,”

Wymack looked as uncomfortable as Kevin felt. “I uh…” Kevin had never seen Wymack struggle to find words. “You’ll be my best man,” it was almost a question but mostly a statement—an order but with hope at the end of it.

Kevin really didn’t think this was the place to have this conversation. Not that he would have said no, but this seemed like a terribly personal thing to ask of him.

“Oh,” Kevin mumbled, and he felt Nicky’s hand tighten on his knee. “Sure. I mean, yes, of course.” He hadn’t realized it, but Dan had been glaring at him. Sometimes Kevin thought Dan loved Wymack more than Kevin did.

Not more, he reminded himself fiercely, just different.

“Good,” Wymack found his voice again, but Kevin remained stunned beyond belief. “Alright, well, the wedding is going to be in Florida, flights are pretty cheap, whoever can’t manage to pay for their own, I’ll help, whoever doesn’t want to come, that’s fine too.” He grumbled.

Dan sighed. “We’ll all be there.”

“Whatever,” he said, but Kevin could see in Wymack’s eyes that it made him happy to hear that. “Abby wanted to do it there, during Christmas break that way you can all go to Disney if you’re bored.”

Nicky fist pumped. “God, I love that woman.”

“Alright,” Wymack nodded. “Well, that’s all,” he said awkwardly—Kevin had never seen him so nervous. Before he could change his mind about anything, he put away the numbness that had taken him since this conversation had started, and ran after Wymack, almost tripping over Nicky as he tried to get up.

“David,” he murmured, following him out, leaving his team behind. He made sure the door was shut and found his courage. “I…I am very glad for you.”

Wymack struggled with something himself, before he softened and said, “Thank you. Sorry for…I just didn’t know…”

“Me neither,” Kevin shrugged. “I mean, if I were you, doing that, I wouldn’t know either.” He chewed the inside of his lip before he let out a sigh. “I would like to tell you something.”

“God, what did Andrew do now?”

“What? Nothing, no,” Kevin looked him in eye, keeping his ground. “I feel as though for us to be…” he motioned between the two of them, and Wymack seemed to understand because he nodded, “…I should be honest with you, about something.”

Wymack crossed his arms. “Okay, what?”

Kevin swallowed—his pride, his fear. “I’m seeing someone.” When all Wymack did was stare at him, Kevin wondered if it was because he didn’t care or if because he was waiting for Kevin to make this conversation worth his while. “Someone on this team.”

Wymack finally cracked, “Jesus fucking Christ, is it fucking Sheena? I’ll kill you myself.”

“God, no, _no_. It’s Matt. Matt Boyd.” He cleared his throat, feeling vulnerable, naked almost in this admission of the whole thing.

“Jesus. Fucking. Christ.” Kevin heard the period after each of Wymack’s words. “How did you even…for fuck’s sake.”

“I’m sorry,” but Kevin wasn’t sure what he was apologizing for.

“Don’t be sorry, just be…” Wymack looked like he wanted to hit something. Kevin was glad that he didn’t. “Careful.” That was the last thing that Kevin thought Wymack would ever say to him.

Kevin figured out the reason why on his own. “I didn’t tell Andrew yet.” He nodded.

“That’s not why you need to be careful. You’re…” Wymack sighed in agitation. Kevin heard what he wanted to say and knew that he couldn’t argue. Wymack meant to say that Kevin was _fragile_ and _delicate_ because in reality it was true. He could withstand a lot, but a broken heart and a broken hand were two different things. One, Kevin could work on fixing and healing, Kevin knew how to fix physical things. A heart was something different.

“He won’t,” Kevin told him. “He’s good.”

Wymack stared at him for a long moment. “Thank you, for telling me.” He sighed again. “Jesus, come over tomorrow okay? Just you. Abby’s been bugging me anyway, so just come over for dinner. I won’t make you eat fucking carbohydrates.”

Kevin’s heart expanded a little from the invitation. “Okay.”

“Okay.”

In perfect timing, the door opened and the rest of the Foxes filed out.

 

* * *

 

The fact that Andrew and Aaron were not around them right now was nothing new. Aaron was with his girlfriend and Andrew didn’t want to be anywhere near the upperclassmen, even if it meant losing Neil to them for a few hours. Kevin didn’t ask much about their relationship, for one, he wasn’t sure that he wanted to know, and secondly, he didn’t think that Neil would tell him anyhow.

They were all gathered in the girl’s room, drinking. This was the nice part about being in the dorms before the rest of the student body was back—not that it made a difference. They’d be drinking anyway, but they didn’t have to be as quiet. Once upon a time, not having the whole team together probably would have annoyed Dan and Nicky, but they seemed to understand that some things just couldn’t change.

Unless you were Allison, in which case you forced them to.

She whipped the door open and dragged Katelyn in. It was unsurprising to Kevin to know that she had probably gone through Katelyn to ask her and Aaron to join them. Kevin gave this gathering another half hour or so before Neil got up and went back to his room to be with Andrew. Kevin wished he and Matt could do the same, but they were unable.

Nicky was better at keeping a secret than anyone gave him credit for, “Hey Matt,” he said—his voice in that perfect place where you were under the influence but not drunk. Just a pure state of bliss. “You know, since you and Dan are not together anymore, I’m available,”

Matt grinned kindly at him. “No, actually, you’re not.”

Nicky snapped his fingers as though he had forgotten. “Darn, it’s true.”

Kevin hid a smile into his drink, glancing at Aaron for a bare moment who took the seat next to him. “I just walked in Nicky,” Aaron said. “Can we tone it down?”

Katelyn said something in his ear, scolding him, and so Nicky pointed at her. “I like her.” He held out his hand and they high fived.

“Thank you for inviting me,” she said.

“Forcing us,” Aaron corrected her.

Allison didn’t look perturbed. Renee’s smile was as usual, soft and pleasant, as she turned it towards Neil. “It’s a shame Andrew couldn’t come.”

Allison snorted as she got up and walked to her room. “Couldn’t or wouldn’t?” she looked over at her shoulder when no one followed her. “Kevin,” she commanded.

Kevin looked over his shoulder and stared at her. She was staring at him like he was an idiot. Dan chuckled, “You’re meant to follow her.”

“What?” he asked, looking at her. He was pleasantly buzzed, so not everything he was hearing was really sticking. He wanted more, but he was trying to not drink as much to make Matt proud. He was also very aware of Matt watching him.

Oh yes, as they had learned in their adventures in bed together, Kevin had a thing for praise.

So Kevin put down his drink and followed Allison, rubbing the back of his neck. When he walked into her room, she shut the door and he frowned. “What—”

Allison tugged on his shirt. “Off.”

“Excuse—”

“I bought you something. I want you to wear it.”

“I’m not wearing a dress.”

“Relax big boy, it’s not a dress.” She went in her closet and pulled out a pastel yellow top that looked like it would only reach halfway down Kevin’s stomach. While he stared at it, she said, “It’s a crop top.”

“I know what it is.”

“So?”

“I’m not wearing that.”

“Is your masculinity too fragile?”

“ _No_ ,” he snapped. “I’ll look ridiculous.”

“No,” she tugged at his shirt again. “You’ll look hot, and Matt is going to see your abs all night and thinking about you looking hot, so _really_ this is a favor.”

Kevin hushed her, but her argument was working wonders. He pulled off his shirt as he scolded her. “Lower your voice!” he hissed.

Allison rolled her eyes dramatically as she grabbed her eyeliner from the bedside table. “God, relax, no one heard me. Now hurry up…”

He sat on the bed so she could apply the eyeliner to him. Kevin didn’t argue, not because he felt he would lose, but because he didn’t _want_ to argue. He actually liked the eyeliner, he had worn it in the privacy of his room a few times, or in Matt’s, but never beyond the dorm walls. Still, he thought he looked good, and was grateful to Allison for introducing him to it. He got up and glanced at himself in her mirror. She stood next to him and smiled at her handiwork.

“Lipstick?” she offered.

“Fuck off.”

But there was no heat to his words, so Allison smiled.

They walked out of the room, Katelyn squealing, Dan laughing, Matt tensing, and Nicky cat calling. Kevin’s sweatpants were already dangerously low on his hips, but he took great pride in the way that Matt’s gaze seemed to be struggling. He was looking at Kevin, because they all were, but every time his eyes went over Kevin’s abs, he seemed to get a fit and had to look away hurriedly.

“She made me,” he offered lamely as he took his seat again.

Allison snorted, and Dan said, “Sure Kevin.”

Nicky got up and put Kevin’s face between his beautiful, gentle hands, “I think you look beautiful.”

Neil chuckled. “I would love to see you go on the court like this.”

Kevin flipped him off and Neil grinned wider. Despite his action to Neil, it filled him with a terrible joy to see that smile on Neil’s face. It was another thing Kevin wasn’t ready to say yet, just another thing he would whisper to Matt underneath the sheets as he had done so with everything else.

Aaron sounded halfway between annoyed and amused, “Surprised you even let her.”

Allison, who wasn’t a particular fan of Aaron murmured, “Like he would have a choice to say no to me.”

Aaron grabbed the bottle of vodka nearby and tilted it towards Kevin in offering. When he refused he sneaked a look at Matt, whose eyes were clear, a smile spreading over his lips.

“So,” Dan said, getting their attention. “I was thinking, we should all pitch in and buy something for Wymack and Abby for their wedding.”

Neil who had no issue spending money now that he wasn’t on the run said, “Abby has a whole house. I don’t see what they would need from us.”

“It’s not about what they need, but about what they want.”

“What about the rookies?”  Matt asked, reaching over for a water bottle he had placed by his feet. He brought it to his lips and drank, and Kevin watched the way his throat moved as he swallowed.

_Jesus._

Dan, who was so very _Dan_ and Matt who was so very _Matt_ fell into each other nicely. She moved to sit by him and he stretched his arm to hold he close, and neither Kevin, Renee, nor Allison got jealous over it. Allison didn’t even flick them a look. There were many different types of love, and it made sense that Dan and Matt would remain loving each other but not in love. Best friends.

“The rookies,” Dan told him, patting his leg. “Will do exactly as I say.”

Aaron snorted. “Fat chance.”

Kevin agreed with Dan, “Jack will do as I say.”

Neil scoffed. “Lucky you.”

“So?” Dan asked. “What do we get them?”

Kevin quickly said, “I feel as though I should get Wymack something…else.” He said. “A gift separate, but I will contribute to the team gift as well.”

Dan seemed very pleased with Kevin’s words—something he didn’t think would ever happen, Dan being pleased with him. “I’ll help you shop,” she offered.

Matt’s eyes were beyond hopeful, so Kevin responded kindly, “Thank you.” another bridge slowly mending. Another relationship he could fix.

Kevin Day’s life was a series of broken things he was putting back together. Jean. Matt. Wymack. Dan. Nicky. Neil. Andrew.

_Jean._

_Wymack._

_Nicky._

_Matt._

Things were getting better. Kevin was _making_ them get better. Granted, after he and Matt’s first experience with each other, after Kevin blew him, he had woken shaken and screaming from a nightmare, but Matt’s steady body brought him back to reality. Now, the more they did, the more he forgot. They were still avoiding penetrative sex, because that was something very different for Kevin, but he was working his way up.

Besides, the journey was fun.

“We could pay for their ticket?” Aaron offered.

Katelyn shook her head, as though she was contributing to the cost. Or maybe she would be, since Aaron would obviously bring her with him. “It’s not expensive to get to Florida.”

“Why does the gift have to be expensive?”

“It’s a _wedding_ —”

“Yeah Aaron,” Matt teased. “When you marry your girl, we’re going to make sure you get nice things.”

Aaron blushed furiously as Allison, Katelyn and Dan moved to converse about weddings and whatever it was people talked about concerning weddings. Kevin leaned over to Aaron and said with a smile, “You’re screwed now,” he chuckled.

Renee tilted her head. “Kevin,” she said.

When Renee spoke, it was very much like Andrew in the effect that it had on people. Everyone stopped what they were doing and looked at her.

“Yes?” Kevin asked.

“You have a lovely smile.”

Kevin didn’t know what to say to that, so he didn’t say anything at all. When he didn’t, Nicky pinched his knee, and Kevin swatted his hand away, but Nicky laughed and that _also_ made Kevin smile, and soon they were all looking at Kevin and commenting on him.

Kevin often forgot how long it had been since he smiled.

He also forgot that he only smiled around Nicky and Matt, so it made sense that other people weren’t used to it.

He forgot to hide, and he was okay with forgetting that too.

Neil took everyone’s attention on Kevin to get up and make his exit, going over to Matt and patting him on the shoulder before he left the room. After that, the room slowly dwindled—Aaron going God knows where with Katelyn, Renee growing tired and descending into her room.

Nicky looked at the time and groaned. “Jesus, I’m tired. I don’t know if Neil and Andrew are going to be _done_ ,” he sighed.

Allison pointed at the couch. “You can fall asleep here if you want.”

After Nicky agreed with a smile, Matt and Kevin both got up, catching each other’s eye. “Goodnight,” he said, mostly to Nicky. Nicky got up and kissed him clumsily on the cheek, something Dan smiled at and something Allison knew would happen, and something Matt looked happy about. Kevin liked this—everyone seeing it. Seeing Kevin Day was worthy of affection from someone as happy and jolly as Nicky Hemmick.

“Night Kev,” he said, then saluted Matt, who ducked down to kiss Dan on the forehead.

Kevin and Allison bumped fists—something that was very unlike Allison unless it was in terms of the two of them.

The walk across to the dorm was silent, but as soon as Kevin closed the door, he was attacked. Matt had him pinned against the door, to the point where Kevin couldn’t even lift his legs to wrap them around Matt. Kevin opened his mouth readily, allowing Matt to take complete control. His hot tongue sent Kevin spiraling into waves of pleasure.

Struggling desperately to catch his breath, Kevin tore his lips away. “Fuck,” he whispered, and then said it again when Matt dropped to his knees. His lips were pressing hard against what skin Kevin was showing, and Kevin thanked Allison a million times in his mind for her force.

“You look so hot,” Matt told him. “So, so, hot.”

Kevin wasn’t used to hearing that word, in the same sentence as himself, from someone he cared about. He wished he could say something back, but everything was drowned out when Matt got back up, apparently changing his mind about what he was going to do and kissed Kevin hard. Kevin let Matt do what he wanted, his mind was whirling with the sensations. It was—

Matt pushing down their sweats.

A hot hand grasping both of their erections, sliding them along each other.

Matt’s spit being used as lube.

Kevin whimpering and moaning and close to tears.

The slick, beautiful slide of skin against skin, of Kevin with his head against the door, leaning it against Matt’s head as Matt kissed and sucked at Kevin’s neck.

It was Matt saying, “You were so good tonight,”

It was Kevin whimpering from the praise.  

It was coming apart, for what felt like ages, his climax hitting him and his knees buckling, it was Matt holding him up, his hand covered from his own climax as well as Kevin’s.

Matt pulled away, shaking. “Wow.” He whispered. “Just…” he laughed. “Do you want to take a shower?”

Two months ago, that possibility of having something so very intimate with someone would have scared him. Tonight, and not because of the alcohol, it made him excited. “Yes,” he said. “But…” he laughed. “I’m so tired.”

“I can pick you up.” Matt laughed.

“God,” Kevin pushed Matt’s face away playfully. “No, just help me.” He was exhausted; it was well past one in the morning, and with his body in the afterglow of his climax he wasn’t too sure how good he would be at walking.

Matt wiped them off best he could so he could grab Kevin’s hand. Kevin smiled and followed him to the bathroom, laughing softly as Matt lost sight of what he was supposed to be doing and kissing Kevin’s neck and shoulders, pulling off his shirt. Their clothing was discarded along the way, neither of them thinking of Aaron—but the door was locked and Aaron would probably only be back in an hour.

Showering with someone was as intimate to Kevin as falling asleep next to them. The water brushed over their bodies and made Matt look even more beautiful. Kevin laughed as Matt playfully tickled him for a moment, before bringing him into a deep kiss. It was not enough to make Kevin or Matt hard again, but enough for both of them to feel it all over their bodies.

“I told Wymack about us,” Kevin remembered as he pulled away, closing his eyes as Matt began to massage shampoo into his hair.

“What did he say?”

“He was very calm.” Kevin said, grabbing the soap and beginning to wash himself. “He didn’t say much. He told me to be careful, as if he thought you could hurt me.”

“I could,” Matt said lightly.

“You won’t.”

“I won’t.” He kissed Kevin’s neck again, biting down gently. “Tilt your head back.” his fingers were gently pressured against Kevin’s neck, a hand holding his scalp. The water went over him quickly, Matt washing the shampoo out and allowing the soap over his body to wash away with it. When it was over and done, they switched roles. Kevin didn’t go behind Matt, and instead stayed in front of him, doing to Matt what Matt had done to him, and occasionally stopping to kiss Matt’s chest.

“I have a question.”

“Yes?”  Matt hummed, Kevin’s fingers apparently working magic.

“What would you like for your birthday?”

Matt cracked a grin. “I don’t need you to get me anything. Also, babe, you’re like, a month early.”

“I have to start thinking now.”

“Well, I don’t want anything for my birthday.”

“I want to get you something.” Kevin pushed Matt more directly under the water so he could begin to get the shampoo out. He laughed as some slipped into Matt’s mouth, his tongue sticking out from the taste.

Matt squinted through the water. He looked so pretty. “I love your laugh.”

 _I love you._ “I love _your_ laugh,” he said back lamely. He moved to turn off the water, the two of them stepping out and grabbing towels to dry themselves off. “You know, I’ll just ask Dan if you don’t tell me yourself.”

Matt paused before he moved and put the towel back, looking at Kevin, who was still tending to his hair. “You know, I would rather that.” He said.

Kevin placed his towel next to Matt’s and frowned at him. He began to walk away, talking over his shoulder as Matt talked to him. “I am not sure I understand.” He grabbed one of Matt’s pajama pants from Matt’s room and pulled them on without asking. He liked that too—that all these things were becoming habit to him.

Matt closed his door and locked it. Kevin’s door was already closed, which meant Aaron would think he was sleeping. “You and Dan, bonding. I like the idea of that. So ask her.”

Kevin got inside of Matt’s bed sighing in relief. Oh yes, sleep was going to take him quickly tonight. He put his back against the wall and watched Matt climb in. “Okay,” he said tiredly. “I will.”

Matt moved closer to Kevin—this was how it always started. They fell asleep looking at each other, and eventually though the night, Kevin would turn away from the wall, and put his back against Matt instead and Matt would hold him close, and Kevin would wake up feeling _home_ in a way that he had never felt home before.

“Everything you did tonight made me happy.” Matt whispered in the dark. “The way you looked, the way you smiled, the way you and Dan were almost friends completely. You telling Wymack. I want to tell them all.”

Kevin was so tired, “Soon,” he whispered, but all those words struck his heart in a lovely way. “I promise.”

“Okay,”

Kevin drifted and drifted and drifted, until sleep took him. Sure enough, halfway through the night, he ended up in Matt’s arms. Matt who always woke from the movement (only for a minute) whispered a gentle ‘I love you’ into Kevin’s hair, knowing he couldn’t hear it.

But in Kevin’s dreams, Matt said it to him there too.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay so i know this didnt have a lot of matt and kevin in it, but next chapter is JUST matt and kevin. its matt's birthday chapter (so theres a time jump) then we're going to have about five-six chapters left until its done. 
> 
> i hope you all liked this chapter anyhow :) got all the foxes in (for those of you who like andrew, in two chapters hes going to have a larger role). 
> 
> thank you all for the comments, i as usual, love reading them, they motivate me to continue putting these things out! 
> 
> xx


	18. birthday

Matt had said a million times that for his birthday, he wanted nothing more than to do _nothing._ He wanted his day to go on as normal, and Kevin opted for something between a celebration and doing nothing—which was doing what Matt wanted but also giving Matt a gift.

July had come and gone, August taking its place. With that had come other things, such as Matt asking Kevin for permission to tell Dan about their relationship and Kevin giving his consent to do so. Kevin didn’t want to be anywhere near that conversation, but he was more than grateful for the conversation he had afterwards with Dan. She had stomped up to him, a warrior woman and had a serious talk with him about how he should treat Matt. Kevin didn’t scare easy, but it was obvious that she was trying to strike the fear of God into him. That had turned into her suddenly asking him about what Kevin was doing for Matt’s birthday, and the two of them ending up at a mall (where they had run into Allison and Nicky shopping together, a friendship that Kevin very much enjoyed watching bloom) buying a gift for him. Kevin had settled on buying Matt two, very nice, very expensive pair of boxing gloves. Then, he bought another pair for himself.

“He’s a good teacher,” Dan had told him, when she saw Kevin reach for the second pair.

Kevin had glanced at her, amusement in his tone. “He taught you too?”

She grinned at him. “Yeah, only the girls know. I like having it as a hidden talent.”

Kevin had smiled, and then he had asked about her relationship with Renee and Allison, and conversation flowed surprisingly easily. This was everything Kevin wanted in his hand—friendship, friendship with Dan, a woman he respected greatly.  

But Kevin pushed all thoughts of the Foxes aside, he had quietly asked Wymack to cancel practice on the count of Matt’s birthday, and Wymack who would never do such a thing, granted his son that favor. Kevin was insanely glad with Wymack granting him that. Glad because it was not Wymack granting his player a wish, it was Wymack giving his _son_ what he needed. Their relationship, thanks to Abby being a wonderful, nagging bridge between them, was improving slowly but surely. Kevin ate their often, sometimes bringing Matt, sometimes bringing Nicky, but mostly on his own. They got into fights as often as they didn’t, and Kevin wouldn’t have it any other way.

About a week and a half prior to Matt’s birthday, Kevin, Nicky and Matt had been playing video games—or rather, Matt and Nicky had been playing video games and Kevin had been sitting on his spot on the couch, watching Matt.

He had said, very suddenly without thinking, “I think we should have sex.”

Nicky choked on his own spit, Matt swore loudly, and Kevin had stared at them in confusion. Nicky had excused himself and made to leave to give them time alone, and Kevin and Matt had a very _long_ conversation about sex, and why Kevin wanted it, and how it should happen—Kevin wanted it planned, Matt said those things should happen when they happen.

Of course, nothing had happened. Kevin suspected Matt was in some ways, more afraid for Kevin than Kevin was afraid for himself. Kevin could turn blue in the face reminding Matt that he was ready, and not going to have a freak out, but Matt seemed very uncertain.

So Kevin did what he did best with Matt, and compromised. He didn’t plan it, but he hoped for it, and he had enough of a plan that he would have sex with Matt Boyd, tonight, on his birthday.

Matt’s birthday had begun simply enough. Kevin had asked Dan to give a friendly reminder to Katelyn that practice had been cancelled, that way she could steal Aaron as early as possible. When she did, Kevin walked to the door and locked it and sent a text to thank Dan once more for helping him, before he began to get to work. He has specifically gotten up early in order to plan this day. Quietly as he could, he made breakfast, more than he ever would have made for himself, but enough that he knew Matt would enjoy. For himself, he made eggs and vegan sausage with one slice of toast just to give himself a grain intake. For Matt, he gave him pancakes with chocolate sauce draped over them, two eggs, some potatoes and with a smile to himself, some vegan sausage as well. Then he made a boiling pot of coffee, and set everything on a tray before he brought it carefully into Matt’s room.

He set it on the ground for a moment, walking to his room and taking Matt’s gift and bringing it to the room with him, setting it by the tray before he crawled up on Matt’s bed. Matt stirred from the weight but didn’t quite open his eyes.

“Happy birthday,” Kevin murmured against Matt’s cheek, kissing him here, and there, and everywhere.

Matt grinned, his arms coming around to wrap Kevin to him, holding him close. Kevin grunted from the weight, his head buried in Matt’s neck. Like a koala bear, Matt wrapped his legs around Kevin as well, effectively holding him in place. When Kevin tried to push away, he found he couldn’t and Matt laughed.

“Don’t even try,” Matt’s sleepy voice warned him. “You know that I’m stronger than you.”

“Speaking of which,” Kevin mumbled, biting down gently on Matt’s neck. Matt yelped and leaned away, but he didn’t reprimand Kevin. Instead he looked at him with soft, tender eyes. Kevin pushed himself up onto his knees, bringing Matt with him and pointing to the ground. “The food is going to get cold, asshole.”

Matt’s mouth twitched, “Did I ever tell you that you have such a way with words?”

“You might have mentioned it.” Kevin got down to grab the tray, placing it carefully on the bed. Matt didn’t have to ask which plate was his. They began to eat, slowly, taking their time, Kevin working up the courage as he chewed through his sausage to say what he wanted to.

Matt picked up on his quiet anxiety first. “’What’s wrong with you?”

“What?” Kevin asked, stopping mid chew.

“You look like you’re about to pop a blood vessel,” Matt set his fork down and tilted his head, reaching for his cup of coffee. “What are you thinking about?”

“Honestly?”

“Honestly,”

“You. Well, you and me, naked in your bed together.”

Much like Nicky, Matt choked on his coffee and thumped his own chest before he put it on the tray. Kevin stared at him blandly, while Matt chuckled and shook his head. “You know, you have to stop saying shit like that. You’re going to give me a heart attack.”

Kevin refused to back down from a serious conversation about it this time. He wanted what he wanted, and didn’t want Matt to protect him anymore from it. Kevin had said it before—he knew that he couldn’t be _better,_ not so soon, and not so fast, but he was _okay_ , and that was more than enough. He felt good inside. Matt played a big part in that.

Seriously, Kevin asked him, “Don’t you want me?”

Matt gave him a tiny smile and reached forward, setting his hand on the side of Kevin’s face. “Of course I do.”

“Then why won’t you? Don’t tell me it’s because about the timing,” Kevin shook his head. “I know it’s the right time. We barely make it out alive anymore without getting a hard on.”

Matt laughed and reached back for his coffee. “I just don’t want to rush you.”

“Rush me? I’m the one asking you.”

Matt sighed and grabbed a potato, popping it into his mouth. “I just don’t want you to feel like you have to.” He looked down at his food as he contemplated his thoughts, chewing carefully. “I mean, you’ve never…and I have, a lot. I don’t want you to feel afraid.”

“I’m not afraid.” Kevin said. When Matt didn’t look at him, Kevin frowned and tapped his shoulder. “Hey,” when Matt looked at him, Kevin leaned over and kissed him softly. “I’m not afraid. You want me, I want you. I have some conditions, but I want it to happen. I want us to do this, tonight.”

Matt held on to one word of that. “Conditions?”

Kevin nodded, taking a bite of his toast before he explained, “I need you to be the one, you know,” he waved his hand. “I can’t be the one doing the penetrating. I don’t know how I’d feel…I want you, but I can’t take you. I haven’t since Jean and I just…” he shrugged. “If that’s okay.”

Matt nodded, and Kevin was grateful his eyes weren’t sad. Kevin wasn’t sure if he could take pity right now. “Sure,”

“So, can we?”

Matt seemed to struggle with himself before he nodded. “Yeah, I mean yes, of course. If you’re sure—”

“I am—”

“Then okay.” Matt reached out again and curled his hand by the back of Kevin’s head, his fingers twisting in the strands. “I’m sorry if I ever made you feel like I didn’t want you.” he shook his head, his hand moving. Kevin tilted his head to the touch—he would never tire of this. Matt’s thumb swept across Kevin’s cheekbone and then his bottom lip.

“No,” Kevin shook his head. “I mean, if I’m pushing you and you’re saying no, then—”

“I’m not saying no.” Matt said. “I was just worried—”

“Don’t be—”

“It’s only because I care—”

“I know,” Kevin grinned, and so did Matt. He got up from his place and slid down to the ground, grabbing the gift and bringing it to the bed. He wouldn’t say it, mostly because Matt knew him well enough by now to know what Kevin was feeling anyway. Kevin lived for these moments, these terribly domestic moments, where it was just the two of them, enjoying each other’s company. “Here you go,”

Matt moved the tray aside grabbing his gift and looking up at Kevin. “You know, you really didn’t have to.”

“I wanted to.”

“Since when is Kevin Day so giving?” he mumbled, pulling out the tissue paper in the bag.

“Shut up,” Kevin chuckled.

Matt grinned in return, “Jesus, you’re so fucking beautiful.” Kevin tried not to let _that_ get to his head so quickly, but it was hard not to. He would never get tired of hearing those things, and he had come to love the way he smiled. He ignored Andrew’s comments about it the few times he let it slip around the team, but Matt’s gaze, Nicky’s encouragement and Allison’s strange but strong friendship kept him smiling anyhow. “Well, damn!” Matt laughed, pulling out his boxing gloves. “These are fucking nice!” he leaned forward and kissed Kevin quickly on the lips. “Thanks baby.”

“You’re welcome,” Kevin’s chest glowed from subtle praise. “I got myself a pair as well, I was hoping you could teach me how to box.”

“Seriously?” Matt got out of bed. “Come on, let’s brush our teeth,” he grabbed Kevin’s hand and walked over to the bathroom with him, talking adamantly now. “That’ll be fun, to teach you. I still have to teach Neil but I don’t know how that would go with Andrew.”

“I bet I would make your lessons a lot more interesting.”

Matt laughed loudly, putting toothpaste on both their toothbrushes. “I’m the coach remember, it’s me who would make it interesting. Every time you land a hit I’ll give you a blowjob.”

“ _Every time?_ ”

Matt shrugged and winked, beginning to brush his teeth. They did that quickly enough, both bumping each other playfully on the hips and spitting into the sink, rinsing their mouths before walking back to the room. They both cleaned up, Matt hanging his new gloves on the doorknob and Kevin bringing the dishes to the kitchen beginning to wash them. Matt took a rag so he could dry and looked at Kevin fondly. Kevin pretended like he didn’t notice, but he did.

“Hey,”

“Yes?” Kevin asked.

“Can you teach me French?”

Kevin looked over at him as he washed, smiling back at him. “Really?”

“Sure,” Matt shrugged. “Unless you want to teach me something different. That way we have our own secret language.”

Kevin laughed softly. “God that would drive Andrew insane. I can teach you Japanese. I prefer French though, but Neil would understand that.”

“So Japanese,” Matt shrugged. “When we leave this place together, maybe then we could do French.”

“You’re awfully ambitious.”

“Nice job completely ignoring the fact that I just included you in my future plans.”

Kevin laughed again. “I did that quite nicely, didn’t I,” he nodded in agreement.

“Does that scare you? That I think of you and me, after we leave this place?”

“No. I think it might have, maybe at the beginning, but I think of it too.” He handed Matt the plate. “I haven’t thought about it too much, because there’s too many factors. When I make court and where you decide to go.”

“If we play on different teams,”

“Exactly,” Kevin turned off the water and shook his hands out, borrowing the rag Matt was using to dry them properly. “I’m trying not to think about those things. Not because I don’t want to, but if I do, then I get anxious and it’s all…” he waved his hands around his head to motion just how stressed it actually made him.

Matt nodded in understanding, finishing off the last of the dishes. “So instead of you thinking about our future, you think about me fucking you?”

“No,” Kevin said seriously. “I think about you making love to me.”

Matt set the rag down and looked at Kevin softly. “You old romantic.”

“Asshole,”

Matt laughed, and Kevin’s body sang. He kept his courage and walked towards Matt—he was already shirtless, they were still both in their pajamas. The day was only just starting, and somehow it meant more to Kevin to do this in the day than at night. Night used to make him brave, it made things easier, but he wanted to be equally brave in the day too.

Matt watched him approach, his grin failing him as Kevin got closer. Matt had seen him like this before, wanting and full of desire—but now Kevin felt like he was starving. Kevin returned the touch Matt had given him before, dragging his thumb along Matt’s bottom lip, before he leaned forward and kissed him. Their mouths, as usual, blended together perfectly.

Kevin felt it all over his body.

“Bedroom?” Matt whispered against his lips.

“Bedroom.” Kevin agreed.

They stumbled to the bedroom, Matt kicking the door shut as he hastily pulled down his pants, Kevin following and laughing with him. Their mouths glided together once more, Kevin bursting, bursting, bursting—Matt’s hands ghosted over his torso and his hips, a touch that sent him spiraling. Kevin took Matt’s bottom lip in his and sucked. Matt made a lovely noise with his throat, and kissed Kevin back harder, tumbling down onto the bed with him.

“Ouch,”

“Sorry, shit,”

“No, don’t, just, _kiss me_.”

Kevin opened his mouth into the kiss, loving the feel of Matt swiping his tongue inside Kevin’s mouth—and suddenly it wasn’t so much kissing but _feeling_ , Kevin felt his hair stand up on his body, their breaths were just pants, and Kevin was _shaking, he wanted and ached—_

“Kevin,” Matt breathed.

Kevin moaned brokenly. “Please don’t make me beg for it,” he whimpered as Matt pulled away from him. Kevin’s hands reached for him. “Matt, please,”

“Calm down,” Matt leaned down, pushing Kevin’s hair away from his forehead. Kevin was aching already, but he was untouched and agitated. “Hey, I was just going to ask if maybe you want to get on top? That way you can figure out what you like, how fast you want it.”

Kevin was touched from the sentimentality, but he shook his head. “No,” he whispered. “No. I want to feel all of you around me.” It was as honest as he could be, and to show more what he meant, he hooked his legs around Matt and slotted their bodies together. Kevin wanted to feel safe, and complete in the arms of the person he loved.

Love.

“Matt,” he breathed against Matt’s lips. He felt like he was bursting with the pain of it all—of not being touched, of being naked but only being kissed, and the love pouring out from him. “Matt, I need to tell you something.”

“What?” Matt breathed hotly.

“I love you.”

It hung in the air between them, heavy. Matt stopped moving completely, looking down at Kevin with shocked eyes. Kevin didn’t budge, he tried very hard to regulate his breathing, to keep himself steady to work himself up for the possible rejection that he was going to get.

Except the only thing Kevin saw in his eyes was the same adoration that Kevin was feeling inside of him. “Kevin, baby, baby,” he whispered, kissing him so _beautifully_ that it made Kevin’s legs turn to jelly. “I love you too.” He whispered. “Fuck, I love you too.”

They dissolved after that.

Matt was so incredibly careful with him. They kissed until Kevin couldn’t feel his lips, they kissed so much that Kevin’s head was fuzzy. When he pulled away, Kevin, completely dazed whispered ‘come back’ and Matt smiled a smile that Kevin burned into his memory. He heard Matt rustling about, reaching for the lube presumably, and a condom, but Kevin couldn’t stop. He leaned forward and kissed Matt’s glorious muscles, his hands trailing over Matt’s side, going around to his butt and grasping it, digging the nails in.

“Fuck,” Matt snapped, moving back on top of Kevin. “I’m out.”

That stopped Kevin. “Out?”

“Of lube.”

Kevin shook his head. “So?”

“So?” Matt gawked at him. “Did you see what I have to put in you? Not to toot my own horn or anything but…” he motioned down, and now that Kevin got his head clearer, he realized that yes, lube would definitely help him out. Matt wasn’t exactly small.

“Spit?” Kevin breathed.

“I don’t know how much good that will do.”

“Matt, please.” Kevin wrapped his arms around Matt, pulling him close. “God, _please_.”

“Fuck,” Matt whispered, struggling with the condom, but he paused when Kevin caught his wrists for that as well. “What?”

“I’m clean,” Kevin said against his lips. “If you want…I mean…”

“I’m clean too.” Matt swallowed, and he threw the condom to the ground. They kissed again hotly, Matt grinding his hips down against Kevin’s, earning a half-painful moan from Kevin from the harsh and sensitive friction. Kevin decided to meet the thrusts halfway anyhow, seeking out the friction and giving up kissing and opted for simply panting into Matt’s mouth.

“Here, here,” Matt was about to lick his fingers, or his palm, but Kevin moved forward and grasped Matt’s hand putting two of Matt’s fingers in his mouth. “ _Jesus._ ” He slicked them up best he could and moved Matt’s hand away and downwards. He didn’t want too much foreplay, already he felt like he was going to burst. He wanted to know how it felt to be taken by someone you loved, and have it be real, and mean something important to him.

“Okay, if it hurts, tell me to stop.” Matt kissed each of Kevin’s cheeks.

Kevin nodded. “It’s okay, go.”

Matt watched Kevin carefully as he tried to put a finger in. Kevin gasped from the intrusion, not something quite painful, but uncomfortable enough that Kevin spurted out, “N-no,” he hissed. Immediately, Matt stopped. “It’s…I didn’t think…”

“Okay,” Matt kissed him softly. “Okay, I have an idea.”

Matt was away from him, which Kevin was about to voice was _not_ a fun idea, until he felt Matt’s tongue on him, and effectively that took away any thought he was about to have. He knew that in theory this was supposed to help because they lacked lube, but Kevin could only focus on how pleasurable it was. He whimpered when Matt’s finger moved in further, but the pain subsided as he began to move it in and out slowly. Kevin was vaguely aware of Matt asking him questions but he couldn’t have it in him to answer with his voice. All he could do was nod or shake his head, because it escalated so quickly—

_Matt pushed a second finger in, scissoring him._

_Matt’s tongue was a welcome pressure, there was spit and heat everywhere._

_Something prodded at Kevin inside him and he arched, and arched, and arched—_

“S-top,” Kevin breathed, his hands curling in Matt’s hair. He pulled him away, a little roughly, almost coming right there when he saw the _wetness_ of Matt’s mouth. “I’m…” he couldn’t speak, he was so alight with nerves.

“Too much?” Matt asked, kissing Kevin’s chest everywhere. “Too close?”

“Yeah,” he whispered.

“Do you think you’re ready?” Matt asked.

Kevin suddenly felt very hot. He nodded quickly and kissed Matt eagerly, and Matt didn’t pull away. He didn’t pull away when he pushed in, their kisses stopped because Kevin had to breathe, had to focus, but Matt kept his forehead on Kevin’s.

“Fuck, Matt,” Kevin whimpered, and he couldn’t help it, the pain was intense. Fear and sadness pressed across Matt’s face but Kevin shook his head. “I’ll be okay, just…” he pulled Matt closer, feeling the heat of his body remembering that he was _safe_ and this pain would go away and be replaced with something so much more pleasurable to him.

_I’m safe._

_I’m loved._

_I’m home._

_This is okay._

_This is good._

Kevin opened his eyes, he hadn’t realized he had been crying until Matt kissed the tears away. “Kevin, we can stop.” Matt’s voice was so soft.

Kevin wanted to hold him forever. “No, continue. I’m okay. Just, slow,” he half laughed, half winced as Matt nodded and continued to move forward. Kevin bore down to try and end it sooner, and when Matt was braced inside him,  Kevin felt a hint of smugness as Matt’s body began to shake, the struggle of keeping himself up while being in Kevin’s tightness and heat quickly pushing him to his edge as well.

“A-are you okay?” Matt asked by Kevin’s neck. “Do you want…me to move?”

Kevin nodded. “Yeah, move.”

Matt did.

The pace was slow, the pace was _loving_ , and Kevin was glad for it. He didn’t want to experience his first time with Matt hard, or fast, or rough. All those things, all those adventures could come later. For now it was this, slowly building up in each other, Matt’s moans were all quiet and mixed with his soft pants, and Kevin, Kevin was _loud_. He couldn’t help himself, because the pain evaporated and was replaced with a burn that he liked, and Matt’s body was braced over him, and their mouths kept meeting and _everything felt right_.

Kevin’s eyes were fluttering, his breath trying to catch and failing, just failing over and over again. When Matt was close, his hips picked up only a fraction of a speed, and he changed the angle of his hips so that he hit that glorious spot in Kevin that made him scream so loud Matt shivered and came, endlessly inside Kevin. The noise he made was half moan-half surprise, and the feeling, the _warmth_ of it all made Kevin come untouched.

“I love you,” Kevin said, over and over as he sobbed. Matt was kissing him, wiping his tears, and Kevin didn’t care how this looked, that he was crying, he was so full of it—his love, his want, everything, everything. “I love you, I love you, I love you.”

Matt was breathing harshly. “I love you too.” He whispered. “So much. Relax Kevin, sh,” he cooed him, pulling out _very_ softly (Kevin still winced and gasped), cleaning them off lazily with Kevin’s discarded shirt and laying down next to him. Kevin immediately curled up next to Matt, pressing his face into Matt’s chest.

“Kevin, calm down,” Matt’s voice was concerned, but Kevin felt apart from his body. “You’re shivering.”

Kevin curled himself up tighter against Matt, and felt covers being lifted and draped around him. He wasn’t sure why he was shivering—he didn’t feel anxious, but maybe something inside him knew something he didn’t. It had been good, it had been fantastic actually, and there was no thought inside of him that was bad. Jean wasn’t there, Riko wasn’t there. Kevin truly felt good. Maybe it was that, maybe his body wasn’t used to feeling good, maybe his body wasn’t used to getting what it needed. Maybe Kevin in general wasn’t used to it.

Kevin took his time to calm down, Matt tracing patterns in his back. When he felt like he was back in his body, he pulled away just enough so they could look into each other’s eyes. Kevin still felt as though he was apart from himself a little, but he was coherent enough now that he could speak.

Kevin brought his hand up and traced Matt’s face, like he had done a million times before. “How was it? For you?” he asked.

Matt let one hand settle on Kevin’s hip. “It was amazing. Different, but fucking amazing.”

“I’m glad.” When he saw the small pout in Matt’s lip, Kevin tapped it in his finger. “What are you thinking?”

Matt kissed Kevin’s thumb tenderly. “How did you know you loved me?”

Kevin shrugged, an awkward movement considering that he was lying down. “I fell for you the moment I saw you.”

“I had no idea.”

“I’m good at keeping secrets.”

“Why did you wait so long to say it?”

Kevin didn’t have a good enough answer for that. “Why did you?”

Matt’s honesty was quick, and his answer was a very sensible, caring, and very _Matt_ answer. “I wanted to do these things at your pace, not mine.”

“Love isn’t at a pace.”

“Apparently not,” Matt grinned. “You’ve been in love with me since day one.”

“God,” Kevin stretched himself out, wincing from the ache in his body. His legs were shaking a bit still from the way he had kept them up as they had made love, but it was nothing bed rest couldn’t fix. “I shouldn’t have told you that. You’ll be holding that over my head forever.”

“Oh, I really, really, will.”

“Jackass.”

“Speaking of ass,” Matt laughed when Kevin rolled his eyes. “How do you feel?”

“Fantastic.”

“Kevin.”

“Sore and fantastic.”

“I don’t mean physically.”

Kevin leaned forward to press a soft kiss against Matt’s lips. “I’m good,” he promised. “I’ve never felt so good before. You make me forget all the bad things.”

“Well, that’s what love does sometimes.”

“When did you know, that you loved me?” Kevin asked, pulling away. He kept his hand on Matt’s face, enjoying the feel of it under his palm.

Matt’s smile was almost sad, but he did not hold back in his answer. “That day…that day when we walked into the bathroom and you were on the ground. What you had done to yourself, your thigh. I knew then that I loved you.” before Kevin could say anything, Matt spoke over him. “I wasn’t you know, romanticizing what had happened or anything. I always was attracted to you, and had a small crush, but when I walked in and saw you hurt like that, I just remember thinking; _I can’t lose him_. That’s when I knew I loved you, because I almost lost you and I knew what it would do to me.”

Kevin wanted to cry again. His entire body was bursting with an interesting kind of sadness, one that didn’t make him depressed, but something that was enough to hurt him and yet, lift him all at once. Knowing that he had come so far from that, that now he was lying in bed with the person who wanted to stay with him, care about him, _and keep him close._

“Thank you,” Kevin told him quietly. “For never giving up on me.”

“I would never bet against Kevin Day.” Matt handed him a small smile.

Kevin curled up against Matt again, kissing Matt’s neck while Matt brushed his lips by Kevin’s forehead. “Happy Birthday, my love.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> they finally did it!!!!
> 
> next chapter is a BIG one, andrew is in a lot of it. stay tuned folks. keep the comments coming. thank you for the love. it makes me so god damn happy
> 
> hope you all enjoyed this chapter :) x


	19. dance

The Foxes first game, fittingly was against the Ravens. Kevin was prepared for the emotions that hit him, but he was grateful that the one great thing about Exy was that it made him forget his anxieties. It was just the walk on the court that would fill him with fear.

The entire week prior to their first game was a whirlwind of activities. It was school starting and practices having picked up, it was trying to keep the team together so that Jack and Neil didn’t kill each other. It was Matt and Kevin working harder to hide, it was Matt and Kevin having their first argument together.

“Oh my God,” Matt had said, putting his face in his hands. “Kevin, seriously, I understand—”

“No,” Kevin had snapped back. “You don’t understand. If you did understand you wouldn’t be pressing me.”

“I’m not doing that!” Matt exclaimed back. “But Christ Kevin! I would like to hold my boyfriend’s hand in the hallway! Or kiss him whenever I want! Not have to worry about _Andrew fucking Minyard_ —”

“It’s not just him,” Kevin growled angrily. “You know how the press can be. Riko just _died_ I can’t…” Kevin almost stumbled upon the words ‘dishonour him’ but he sealed his lips so nothing came out. Kevin didn’t know if that was a form of self-hatred, if maybe part of him would forever be stuck with it, with doubting every move he made. Either way, Matt seemed to understand what Kevin was saying without him finishing the sentence. From that, they hadn’t spoken for about twenty minutes, until they both apologized to each other, kissed—made out—fucked—and everything was better, or as better as it could be.  Matt whispered that maybe Kevin should consider further therapy, and Kevin quietly agreed.

The sex was a really fantastic part of their relationship.

Kevin hadn’t gotten to the point of being able to do to Matt what Matt so enjoyed doing to him, but neither of them seemed to mind. That was something that Matt never brought up unless he sensed Kevin wanted to talk to him about it first. Regardless, Kevin loved what they were doing anyway. Matt was careful with Kevin unless Kevin told him to do otherwise. When Kevin gave him the okay, Matt _excelled_. His hands gripped hard enough to bruise—bruises that Kevin liked having. He would bite Kevin on his ribs, his hips, his collarbone, and Kevin would press his fingers against the bruises to remember what had happened. Matt would pound into him so beautifully, Kevin would feel the ache of it the next day. But every night, no matter how hard or fast they went, it ended with Matt cleaning them both off, sometimes showering together, but when  Kevin was too far gone, Matt would curl their bodies together and would talk mindlessly until Kevin came back. Then they would descend into light conversation about nothing in particular, and Kevin felt loved.

Subspace. That’s what Matt said it was.

Kevin lost it either when he felt extremely emotional while they made love, or when the physical sensations were so good combined with the feeling of _wholeness_ and _safeness_ brought him to a place that completely transcended his body. Matt said that Kevin reaching that point when they had sex terrified him and made him feel good about himself. Kevin told him that the feeling was amazing for him, and it just made him love Matt—not more, but intensely.

So, sex had definitely calmed Kevin down until they were going out onto the court. Until he was in that room, trying to steady his soul, his heart. Wishing desperately that he could make way for Matt to feel safe, and couldn’t do anything at all but stand there trying to center himself.

Yes, this would have to end soon. He was tired of hiding. He was scared of truly coming out.

Kevin didn’t even notice when Wymack had told the team to wait for him outside.

“Kevin,” Wymack said, his giant hands on Kevin’s shoulders. Sometimes he wanted to do what children were supposed to do, and fall, crumble, and cry. He wanted to curl himself to his father’s body and be held by someone who could protect him and loved him in a way that family was supposed to love you. Something Riko and his family never did for him, no matter how much the word “adopted” was thrown about.

Kevin took a chance on what he wanted and lifted his hands, wrapping them around Wymack’s wrists. He opened his eyes and stared into the hard gaze of his father. “I know he’s dead.” He said calmly. “But…saying it, and then going on a court and not seeing him there are two different things.” He swallowed. “I hope…I don’t mean to say that I—”

“Listen to me,” and Wymack’s hands slid up to Kevin’s face, holding him delicately, and tears burst to Kevin’s eyes. He kept his hands on Wymack’s wrists, for fear that if he let go, he would fall. “I’m not going to pretend to understand your relationship with Riko. I can’t tell you not to miss him. I don’t know how it was before all the shit. All I can tell you is that _you’re better off now_.”

“I know,” Kevin said weakly, and he couldn’t take it, he let a tear fall.

“I know he won’t be on that court. Those Ravens are going to try and take you all apart because of it. Instead, you’re going to take that court, win, and show them who number one is. Remember who you chose to be, who you are, not what Riko has ever said to you.” He stressed, tapping his thumb on Kevin’s tattoo. “Okay?”

Kevin sighed and nodded. “Okay.”

“I meant what I said Kevin, I mean everything I say. You deserved better, always have.”

“Always did,” Kevin corrected him quietly. “I have you now.”

Something struck in Wymack’s gaze, but he didn’t say anything more. Wymack did something Kevin could only describe as _fatherly_ tilting his head forward and tapping their foreheads together.

“Are you ready?” he asked.

Kevin was.

“Yes.”

Kevin did what he had to do. He walked on the court, and he endured the booing from the Ravens, and the way they looked at him. He ignored how they spat their words at him, how they were barely playing a sport and opting instead on just trying to hurt the Foxes (specifically Kevin, but Matt was quick and deadly and refused to let them get him seriously hurt). Though it had been an intensely hard game in terms of the fighting, the Foxes beat the Ravens by two points (an irony that Kevin revelled in).

It was what happened after that, that made the entire stadium go quiet.

Kevin just hadn’t been thinking.

When the buzzer rang, when it showed that they had won, Kevin ripped off his helmet and dropped his racquet. He saw Matt walking up to him, his hand up to high five Kevin, but Kevin didn’t want to be high fived. He jogged forward, his heart high from the win, from knowing he was _here, alive, breathing, winning, conquering_ , and he launched himself forward throwing his arms around Matt’s arms, pulling him forward and kissing him right on the mouth. Matt, reflexively, wrapped his arms around Kevin and lifted him up, Kevin half climbing into his arms, their kiss, full and deep—

Then it settled.

Kevin and Matt both parted, Matt tense and rigid, and Kevin beginning to shake, anxiety nipping at him. Matt’s arms tightened and he whispered, “it’s okay, it’s okay, baby, it’s okay” but no one moved for a long moment.

When the crowd erupted—some in boos, some in _overwhelming_ cheers, the press moved, making way for him. Immediately, the Foxes made to shield them. Kevin kept thinking _people took photos of that kiss,_ and then he thought _maybe it doesn’t matter_ and he didn’t look Andrew in the face the whole time. Wymack was at the front of it all, barking at press to get out of the way.  Allison’s look was enough to silence the Ravens who taunted him from afar, and Nicky was close enough to Kevin that his hand brushed against his in comfort. Kevin grabbed Nicky’s hand so hard it hurt them both but Nicky didn’t break. Dan was on Matt’s side, a hand on his back.

When they got into the lounge, the first thing that happened was Andrew barrelling though all of them to get a hold on Kevin. There were some shouts, and Kevin was pressed back into a wall, Andrew with his hand wrapped around Kevin’s neck.

“Get off me,” Kevin snarled.

“How long has this fucking bullshit been going on?” he asked.

Neil was two steps behind Andrew, ready to interfere if necessary. No one else moved, no one else spoke. Matt looked scared beyond belief, and Nicky had a hand on Matt’s arm in comfort, but Kevin figured it wasn’t doing much good.

“It doesn’t matter,” Kevin expressed. “It shouldn’t matter to you. I’m not yours. You and I were never me and him.”

Andrew’s fingers pressed in deeper. “I don’t like liars.”

“You’re dating one.” Kevin reminded him.

Andrew narrowed his eyes and pushed Kevin harder against the wall before he backed away, barking something at Neil in— _Russian_? Kevin tried to remember either of them ever using it, but he couldn’t, which meant they were using their own secret language too.

“Everyone out,” Neil said calmly.

Matt immediately reacted. “ _No_ ,”

“Matt,” Neil said, throwing a smile.  Kevin wrapped a hand around his neck and massaged it, wincing from the soreness. “Trust me.” Whatever conversations happened between Neil and Matt in private seemed to be enough for Matt to nod—Matt did trust Neil despite the mountain of lies previously between them. Matt had no reason not to trust him after learning the truth last year.

Wymack looked unhappy, but he went over to Matt, a hand on his shoulder. “Let’s go everyone. Showers. Leave them alone.”

Once everyone filed out, Neil looked over at Kevin. “Why didn’t you just tell us?” he asked seriously. “Did you really think this team would have a problem with it?”

“You think I give a shit about what the team thinks?” Kevin snapped back. It was half a lie—he cared, but not about this. It wasn’t the team that worried him. “The press is going to have—”

“No,” Neil put up his hand. “No, don’t give me that. I’m asking you why you didn’t tell us, Andrew and Neil.”

Kevin cast an angry glare over to Andrew. “You are not my friend,” he said, and each word was a slice in his heart, but he doubted that the words had an effect on Andrew. His expression was terrible—but only from being lied to. Even at that, his expression was slowly turning into disinterest. “I was an investment with Riko, and I was under your protection. We were loyal to each other, but you don’t care about me. Not the way friends care about each other, really care.”

Andrew crossed his arms. “I didn’t know you liked putting words in people’s mouths.”

“Am I wrong?” he snapped. He felt his chest hurting, he wanted to cry again. Normally he would have held back, but he was so angry, and so tired, and he hated Andrew for ruining this moment for him. “If it came down to it, really down, and the choice was between Neil and me, a gun to our heads, who would you save?”

Andrew didn’t have to answer for everyone in the room to know the truth.

Kevin’s tears spilled. “You see?” he croaked. “That’s the difference Andrew. I would choose to take myself, before I would take away anyone from this team.”

Andrew glared at him. “It’s Matt Boyd.”

“You fell for the runaway.” Kevin threw a hand up in exclamation. “I fell for the…” _sun, light, Matt Boyd’s smile._ “Neil makes you better. Matt makes me better. Can’t you just give me this? You gave Aaron away—” Neil tensed when Andrew did, “—let me go.” He whispered, shaking his head. He had muttered those words to his nightmares of Riko, and to hear them being said to Andrew now was something new and terrifying to him. “I wish I could be your friend.” He explained with a pathetic smile. “I wish you cared about me enough to have that relationship with me. You don’t, and I’ve accepted that, but fuck, let me go. I lied, and I hid it, but it doesn’t matter now because we all have what we want.”

Andrew walked up to him and said absolutely nothing. Kevin, with nothing left in him, whispered, “I’m sorry,” and he meant it—for the lie, for what happened to Andrew in his past, for what had happened to Neil, for the fact that it had taken so long for Andrew to find some semblance of joy. Andrew didn’t respond, he turned on his heels and left.

Neil dragged a hand over his face when the door shut. “For what it’s worth,” he said, shrugging. “I’m glad for you. Matt is…well, kind of the best of them, isn’t he?”

Kevin tried to smile, but he wasn’t sure his face was working. “Yeah.”

“Kevin,” Neil sighed. “Andrew would choose me. But for what it’s worth, he’d kill for you.”

Kevin nodded. “I know,” he whispered. “But it’s not enough. That’s not…loyalty and friendship aren’t the same.”

“I know.” Neil rubbed the back of his neck. They said nothing else to each other, but there was nothing left to say really. This is how it was, and nothing Kevin could do would ever change that. He padded over to the shower room, feeling lightheaded as he digested what had just happened. Maybe he wouldn’t have to deal with the press, maybe his team would keep them away from Kevin. He knew he could trust them for that, they wouldn’t let the press get near him if he asked. The conversation he had with Andrew was sitting uneasily on him. That amount of truth, with Andrew barely saying anything at all was enough to let his heart drop. Knowing something in his mind, and then understanding it was true were two different things.

Kevin undressed and got in the shower, standing under the water and letting himself feel the heat and the drops flow between his shoulder blades. Kevin had both of his hands on the wall, and he closed his eyes, willing himself to stop thinking. It didn’t work very well, but that’s where Matt Boyd came in.

Kevin heard him.

Kevin felt him.

Matt’s strong arms wrapped around Kevin’s torso, bare chest against bare chest, hips against the back of Kevin’s ass, a kiss pressed against Kevin’s neck.

“Make me forget,” Kevin whispered.

Matt didn’t speak, he only obliged. Kevin shivered as he felt Matt’s hands slide over his body, Matt getting down on his knees and preparing Kevin best he could with his tongue. Kevin moaned into his arm and pressed back. This is what he wanted, what he needed. They would talk, of course they would, Kevin would tell Matt everything that he was feeling, but just this once, he wanted to forget and feel good. Kevin knew what Matt was doing to him, and he loved it—Matt’s hand came around to grasp Kevin, bringing him quickly to the point of release. He wished desperately he would go into subspace, to come apart from his body, but he knew that Matt didn’t want him to get there. He wanted Kevin to feel what he had to feel, he wasn’t going to be rough, he was going to draw out Kevin’s orgasms, but keep him centered.

Kevin came, hitting his forehead against the tiles, shuddering and moaning brokenly as Matt took himself away, holding Kevin until Kevin regained his breath.

“Ready?” Matt asked.

Kevin nodded. “Please,”

Matt’s hand dipped down again to grab Kevin, and Kevin whimpered from the oversensitivity of it all as he was stroked back to hardness again. Matt’s other hand was opening him, and the pressure of both things were sending him too close to an edge already. Matt made sure Kevin’s hands were securely placed on the wall, one hand curled with Kevin’s, the other guiding himself into Kevin. Kevin pushed back eagerly, and Matt whispered “steady” before he bottomed out, kissing all over Kevin’s back and shoulders. When Matt didn’t move right away, Kevin lifted himself and pushed back, silently asking for more—the action of Kevin fucking himself on Matt was enough to get Matt moving; he groaned and bucked his hips, and Kevin reached down for his sensitive erection wanting his release more than ever.

Matt took Kevin’s hand away and held their hands together by Kevin’s thigh. “Just like this,” Matt whispered in his ear.

Kevin almost sobbed, and then he did feel a tear fall as Matt angled himself to hit Kevin’s prostate. The physical sensations exploded—Kevin turned his head so they could make out messily, and Matt, who was reaching his own peak. He began to thrust erratically, which meant it was faster and rougher which put Kevin over his second edge, nearly falling to the ground. Matt had to hold him up, coming apart inside of Kevin, louder than he had ever been, smothering Kevin’s neck and shoulders with kisses.

In Kevin’s ear, Matt said, “I love you,”

Kevin nodded, his head resting on Matt’s shoulder. “I love you too.”

 

* * *

 

That evening, Matt and Kevin spoke for an hour, and then Matt went to go watch a movie with Neil, and talk, and Kevin stayed in his room with Nicky. He had his head in Nicky’s lap, and Nicky was running his hands through Kevin’s hair. Kevin was almost ready to fall asleep. He had sent a text to Allison, who said she would stop by later on during the night, probably when her episode of Sense8 was finished.

“I’m proud of you.” Nicky told him softly.

Kevin snorted as he looked up at him. “For coming out?”

“No, for finally saying what you had to say to Andrew. For not drinking after something as big as this happened.”

“I want to.”

“I know, that’s why I’m proud.” Nicky patted Kevin’s stomach so he could get up. “We’re going to do something else instead.” He grinned, walking over to Kevin’s laptop. He switched it on, leaning over and tapping his hand on the table as he waited for it to comply.

“No movies,” Kevin sighed. “I don’t feel like concentrating on anything.”

“What we’re doing won’t need concentration.”

“Since when are you so vague?”

Nicky flashed him a pretty smile and winked. “I like surprises.”

“When have I ever reacted well to a surprise?”

“Oh, lighten up.” He bit his bottom lip as he typed something in the search engine. He must have felt Kevin looking at him because he paused, glancing over at Kevin as he sat up. “What?” he asked softly.

Kevin shrugged. “Thank you Nicky,” he said, his feelings overcoming him. “For everything. You’re a great friend.”

Nicky’s face broke into a massive smile, reminding Kevin very much of how he looked when Erik had surprised him in New York. His eyes were shining brilliantly from those words—Nicky, so used to giving and never receiving. Nicky who would bend over backwards for everyone on that team, and didn’t ask for a thing in return. Nicky, who had held Kevin’s hand more than anyone else on this team. Nicky, his best friend.

Nicky said, “I love you, Kev.”

Kevin responded, “I love you too, Nick.”

“On that note,” Nicky laughed as he pressed ‘enter’ on the laptop, and suddenly Kesha’s ‘Die Young’ was blaring through the speakers. Kevin laughed, a new and good feeling taking away the other ones that had been plaguing him all day. “Come on!” he said, walking over to Kevin and grabbing his hands. “Dance party.”

“Nicky—”

“No, come on,” Nicky pressed, hauling Kevin up and swinging their arms randomly. “This is what they do on Grey’s Anatomy. Dance party.” He lifted their arms so he could twirl himself under them, before letting go and beginning to dance. For a moment, Kevin just stared at him, marveling at the very existence of Nicky Hemmick. Nicky was jumping around, not really dancing at all, just letting loose.

Slowly, unsurely, Kevin let himself get loose.

It was weird at first, Kevin deciding to move his body in that same way. Kevin was used to calculated moves, not something as free as this. That’s why he knew Nicky was making him do this, to be whoever he wanted to be. To not be worried, to let go.

Let go.

Kevin danced.

He jumped around with Nicky, their arms even bumping sometimes, singing loudly, and proudly, ‘Let’s make the most of the night, like we’re going to die young—’. He jumped and sang and danced, and threw his head back and laughed loudly as Nicky shook his hips against Kevin’s. Kevin danced, and he let it all go.

He let go of Riko.

Of Andrew.

Of his hand.

He held on instead to Wymack.

To Nicky.

To Allison.

To Matt.

To the feeling in his chest that was growing, and expanding every day since he had begun this journey to this better place. He held onto that, and joy swept through him as realisation of who, and what he wanted was his, and everything was out in the open, and he was untouchable because he was allowed to be happy.

_I hear your heart beat to the beat of the drums_

Kevin placed his left hand, scars and all, over his heart. He grinned.

_Oh, what a shame that you came here with someone_

Nicky took Kevin’s hand.

_So while you’re here in my arms_

Allison walked into the room, unannounced and smiled.

_Let’s make the most of the night, like we’re gonna die young_

Allison danced her way over and took Kevin’s other hand.

_We’re gonna die young_

They lifted their hands up and sang, sang, sang, and Kevin, finally, let go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so not to be dramatic but writing that dance scene made me cry lmao
> 
> thank you all for the love, i hope you all liked this chapter. for those of you who love andrew, sorry if youre unhappy with how this turned out, but i couldnt picture it any other way (since they dont really stay close apparently after grad anyway). at least this way, kevin gets his closure
> 
> the dance scene is my favourite part. kevin has finally let everything fall into place. the next three chapters have no real angst in it, there are really good heart warming moments coming up. but only three left. 
> 
> dance scene idea comes from the LOVELY AND WONDERFUL moreauxjean on tumblr
> 
> thank you for the love, and because im vain please keep commenting. it means so much to me. thank you
> 
> xx


	20. seth

It was Allison that woke Kevin up.

She burst into her room quite like she burst everywhere else, without announcement and with a scowl on her face. Kevin jolted up in bed, tears bursting from his eyes from the sudden forcefulness. He wiped them away, the light from his bedroom not helping the situation.

“Allison,” he murmured, falling back down onto his bed. “Christ, I could have been naked.”

“It’s not like I haven’t seen a dick before.” She sighed, and much to Kevin’s surprise, she crawled under the sheets with him. She curled up next to him, sighing, and wrapped an arm around his torso. Kevin had to blink a few times, make sure he wasn’t dreaming, and then carefully wrapped an arm around Allison. He kept his eyes closed, knowing that Allison would speak when she was ready.

Kevin was almost back asleep before she said, “I miss Seth today.”

Upon realizing that this was a serious conversation, Kevin forced his eyes to open and tightened his hold. “Today is worse, you mean.”

“Yes,” she snapped, agitated. Kevin didn’t take it to heart. “I don’t want to talk to Dan and Renee about it, because they’ll be nice, and understanding, and I don’t want that.”

“I can be nice.”

“I just said I don’t want anyone to be nice with me.”

“I’m not going to be mean Allison,”

“I don’t need that either,” she sighed. “I just need…to talk to someone who didn’t like him.”

Kevin snorted, “Why?”

“Why does anyone on this team do what they do?”

Since she didn’t want anyone to be nice to her, Kevin decided to be honest with her—which apparently was kind of what Allison needed from him. “Why did you date him? He was an asshole. A homophobic asshole.”

“And Andrew is a misogynist asshole.” Allison responded. “The only people who haven’t done the worst kinds of things on this team are Matt and Dan. The rest of us, we’re all sinners.” Her voice cracked at the end, and Kevin did what he felt he had to do, and leaned his head so he could brush his lips over her hair. “He was changing. You know, he even liked Neil towards the end. He wanted to be a social worker, he wanted to help people like us.”

“Really?” Kevin asked, truly shocked.

“I thought about maybe, continuing,” she murmured softly. “I had other plans, but maybe I should continue what he was doing. Maybe I should continue school and do what he wanted to do. Renee would tell me to do what I think is best for me, and Dan would say that I should put it all away and move on. So now I need you to tell me what you think.”

Kevin sighed and thought about it for a moment. Allison didn’t interrupt his thought process to get an answer, either. She traced his abs with her finger, and Kevin smiled softly from the pleasant feeling it gave him.

He thought about Seth.

No, he didn’t like Seth. In fact, he very much had hated him. Allison loved him though, which meant something—which meant there was some kind of good in there. The kind of good Kevin knew Andrew had, a good that only Neil was able to access. It was almost true, what Allison said, no one on this team was good, but maybe they were all on their way to getting there. Maybe Seth would have gotten the help he needed, really needed, maybe he would have changed his views, maybe he would have actually done it all, become a social worker and _help_ people. Kevin knew Renee was helping with Andrew’s misogyny—maybe Seth could have seen the error of his ways as well.

If.

Kevin hated that word.

“I think,” he said slowly, “That you should do both. Do what you want to do with your life, become a fashion designer like you want, but maybe, help out in other ways. Adopt an orphan or, set up trust funds for your future nieces and nephews with all your money. Teach your own children how to grow up as good and kind people. Do for them what you would have watched Seth do for others, without losing track of what you want.”

Allison was quiet for a very long time, and when she spoke, it sounded like she was crying, so Kevin did the polite thing for Allison’s ego and didn’t look down or wipe away her tears. “He was trying. I know he was an asshole, and I know he looked at things the wrong way, but he was changing. I was changing him. No one but Matt ever believes me, because no one took the time, but he was changing.”

Kevin hoped it was true. He really did. It was nice to think that people could change for the better, no matter how much they were taught something different. Kevin didn’t think Aaron’s homophobia would last much longer, not with someone like Katelyn who took every moment to reprimand him when he said something rude, or now that the few people he _did_ talk to, were all dating boys. Each day that passed, Aaron looked less and less uncomfortable. A week ago, he had even laughed, _laughed_ at a sex story about Nicky and Erik.

People could change. Some people, not everyone was as evil as Riko, or as good as Matt or Jeremy Knox. Most people were in between, like Kevin himself. Kevin had changed a lot too. 

“Are you happy?” he asked quietly. “Even though you miss him?”

“Yes,” Allison responded immediately. “Being in a relationship with my two best friends, is the easiest thing. It’s healthier, but I…he had his whole life. He was my friend too, but yes, I’m happy.”

“You know, that’s all he wanted for you.”

“I know.” She paused, and then, “Nieces and nephews, huh? How many children are you planning on adopting with Matt?”

“Oh, shut up.”

Allison laughed, and Kevin thought that he laugh was a very beautiful sound indeed.

 

* * *

 

Kevin was watching television as he waited for Matt. He already had his boxing gloves on, and he was smiling softly as he watched Jeremy and Jean handle press for a game they had just won. Jean wasn’t looking much different, his hair was back to its normal length, untamed as usual, and Jeremy next to him was red faced and excited. He had an easy arm slung around Jean, but Jean’s eyes were set in a way that Kevin recognized. He was looking at Jeremy with something Kevin could only describe as territorial.

 _Damn,_ Kevin thought to himself, _Jean got the second sun._ Kevin had snatched up the first.

Even though Kevin coming out was nearly a month ago, this was the first time since games started that Jean had appeared on television. So once the interviewer got a hold of him, they didn’t hesitate to ask, “How did you react to your former teammate Kevin Day’s big reveal?”

Jean glanced at her, looking so completely _bored_ that Kevin couldn’t not laugh. “I have always known about Kevin.” Was his answer. “His sexuality has never, nor would ever, effect his game, so it does not matter on the court. In fact, it doesn’t matter in anyone’s life besides his own.”

Jeremy beamed at him. “Protectiveness for Kevin Day runs deep on this team.” He patted Jean’s chest tenderly; Kevin didn’t miss it, but knew everyone else would. It was a touch that was barely a touch, Jeremy was very careful with the strength he used against Jean. He knew all about the abuse and so was treading carefully. Kevin was grateful.

The interviewer asked, “Are you and Kevin Day on good terms?”

Jean’s answer was absolute. “We are on better terms than we were, we talk once a week now. It helps that he is a huge fan of Jeremy.” And Jean looked at Jeremy with a subtle look of adoration that Kevin only caught because he knew Jean so well. He wouldn’t pressure his friend to tell him about that relationship, these things would go _much_ slower with Jean and Jeremy than it had with Matt and Kevin. Kevin couldn’t blame him.

Jeremy blew a kiss to the camera, and Kevin laughed again. “That’s for you, Kevin Day!”

On cue, Matt walked in, and Kevin shut off the television. Matt was wearing basketball shorts that hung off his hips, no shirt which put his muscles on beautiful display, and his hair was untamed and messy.

Kevin smiled. “Well, well,” he slipped into Japanese—they had been practicing every day since they had spoken about it, and Matt was a quick learner. “Look who decided to show up!”

“ _Gomen-nasai_ ,” Matt responded, grinning at his own self-awareness. He felt he wasn’t improving very much, but Kevin disagreed constantly. His Japanese was not as fluent as Kevin’s yet, but he was picking it up quite nicely. He continued the rest of his sentence in Japanese as well, playing along. “Did you tape your hands?”

“Of course.” Kevin patted one glove with the other. “When are we going to bare-knuckle box?”

Matt snorted and patted Kevin on the head lovingly, and Kevin tapped him on the stomach. “When you can actually beat me at this one, punk.”

“I don’t think I’ll ever beat you.”

“Those are words I’d never thought I’d hear from Kevin Day.”

“I need incentive.”

Matt laughed as they started to circle each other, Matt bouncing almost with every step he took. “Since when?” he asked, his arm shooting out, and jabbing Kevin’s stomach. Kevin grunted but didn’t complain—they had both agreed on actually hitting (not hurting) each other, otherwise Kevin would never learn. “Hands up.” He reminded Kevin.

Kevin did as he was told, and jabbed back, but Matt blocked it easily. “If I win,” he grinned, trying again. “Can we fuck on the court?”

Matt, in his surprise, forgot to keep moving, and Kevin finally landed a blow. Matt stumbled but regained himself quickly, keeping his hands up. “Did you say that just to throw me off?” he asked in English, apparently disoriented enough that he had to resort to his native tongue.

“A little,” Kevin admitted with a smile.

The talking dissolved, Kevin focused on winning, and Matt focused on teaching. If either of them spoke, it was to swear when one got hit (usually Kevin) or when someone had to hand out an instruction (always Matt). Kevin got a left hook square in his jaw that made him stumble, but Matt caught him, checking his face before Kevin shook his head and promised he was okay. It was the surprise that had made him stumble more than the hit, it wouldn’t even bruise. The redness would fade. Besides, Kevin was getting better, faster. Learning Matt’s movements the same way he had learnt everything else about Matt.

When Matt’s arm came again, Kevin ducked and landed a punch to Matt’s stomach. Matt let out a puff of air and Kevin felt pride bloom inside him. Kevin though, got up too slow and Matt ducked in a way that allowed him to land three blows to Kevin’s abdomen. Kevin winced and tried for a hit, but Matt dodged that easily, switching up his movements. He tapped Kevin’s head again as he took a step back and reminded him,

“Never let your guard down, babe.” Then in Japanese, Kevin could see him struggle to find the words before he said, “I might fuck you on that court anyhow.”

Kevin felt heat in his stomach. “Just don’t leave any marks. We have dinner at my father’s after.” He tried for another blow, but Matt was too fast and too skilled. He got Kevin twice more, one enough of a hit to make Kevin put his hand up in defeat and fall to the ground in exhaustion.

“I give,” he breathed. “I give. Jesus, I’m exhausted. I used to last longer…” he laughed as Matt climbed over him, straddling his hips and leaning down to kiss him softly on the mouth.

“Don’t be so hard on yourself.” Matt laughed, sitting back leisurely on Kevin, a welcome weight, and taking off his gloves. After his own he moved to Kevin’s, and carefully kissed each finger after revealing them. “We had a game yesterday, we shouldn’t have even practiced today.”

“Exercise is good or me.”

“So is rest.” Matt reminded him, looking closely at Kevin’s hands. He ran his finger between the creases of each finger, the small blood vessels having formed tiny bruises. “You should punch more carefully.”

“It’s very hard to do that.” Kevin said from under him.

Matt carefully kissed Kevin’s hands again, before he leaned forward and kissed him deeply. “So,” he grinned. “Court?”

Desire burned, burned, burned. “Court.” Kevin agreed.

 

* * *

 

Kevin shifted in his seat, wincing at the burn.

Fucking on the court was both the best and worst idea ever. Kevin had wanted to ride Matt, which was how it had started—his hands on Matt’s body, setting the pace, moving over him. But something had _happened_ on that court, to both of them. Kevin, incredibly turned on by the fact that they were on _his_ Exy court _fucking,_ and for Matt the fact that he was fucking the all-star Kevin Day seemed to do enough to send him into a frenzy. He had flipped them over, and fucked into Kevin like it was the last thing they would ever do.

Each of them reached their best orgasm ever.

Kevin though, was supporting some bad burns from it. Matt had apologized for an hour after the fact and coated Kevin’s back in lotion to get him healing quickly. Kevin didn’t mind it very much, he kind of liked it to be honest. It was a gentle reminder of what they had done, _on his court._ Besides, it didn’t hurt that much—Kevin would have to sleep on his stomach for a few days, but that was all.

Wymack was staring at him curiously, “What’s wrong with you?” he asked, shaking a piece of pasta at him. “You look like you’re in pain.”

“You always think I look like I’m in pain.” Wymack looked like he was going to argue but then thought better of it. “So,” he said, trying to divert the attention away from him. “Are you excited for the wedding?”

Abby answered for Wymack, “Very,” she poured herself some wine. “It’s going to be so magical.”

“I’ll say,” Matt grinned, popping in four bits of pasta into his mouth, still managing to talk. “You’re having your wedding in freaking Walt Disney World.”

“Florida,” Wymack growled. “We just happen to be _near_ Walt Disney World.”

Matt swallowed and pointed his fork at Wymack. “Coach, do you seriously think that she’s not going to force you to go to Disney for at least a day? I thought you were smarter than that.”

“Watch it, kid.”

Kevin didn’t have enough words to say what it meant to him, to be a part of this moment. It was just the four of them—after a day of Allison talking, Matt Boyd training him, recovering from that training, and now this. An event in which Kevin was surrounded by family—his father, his step-mother who he already considered his mother in all respects, and his boyfriend. All around a table, eating together, discussing a future wedding.

Happy.

Kevin was happy.

That was something he thought he never would be able to have, much less actually achieve. Now that it was within his grasp, he knew he would hold on to it tightly and never let go. The future was unraveling before him, and he understood now why it was so attractive to Neil to have a future, why Neil had yelled at him and pressured him all that time. Neil was aching for something more, not just for himself, but for Kevin too, and now they both had it.

Wymack tapped Kevin on the shoulder, “Son, pass me the pepper, would you?”

Everyone looked up from their plates, and Kevin paused in what he was doing. Wymack’s jaw was tense from his own words, but it seemed like he wasn’t going to take back what he said.

Kevin threw him a smile, and handed him the pepper.

“Thank you,” Wymack said.

Kevin grinned slyly and responded, “You’re welcome, _dad_ ,”

“You’re such a little shit.” But Wymack _grinned_ at him, actually grinned, something real and true, and Kevin’s heart soared.

 

* * *

 

“Do you think you might want children?”

Matt’s hand stilled from Kevin’s question, but regained movement a moment later. Kevin was on his stomach, and Matt on his side, their noses only a touch apart. It was barely half after ten, but they were both so exhausted. Kevin knew sleep would take him quite soon, but he had been thinking about this since Allison and he had spoken that morning.

Matt’s smile was soft, and his eyes were curious, “Do you?”

“I asked you first.”

Matt chuckled, continuing to thread his fingers through Kevin’s hair. Kevin really wanted to close his eyes, but not before he got his answers—but each scrape of Matt’s fingers made it harder for him to stay awake. “You’re so interesting, Kevin Day.”

“How so?”

“You never say or do anything I think you’d say or do.”

“So I keep life interesting, you mean.”

“Sure, we’ll go with that.”

“Asshole,” Kevin said, with no heat whatsoever.

Matt chuckled again and leaned forward to kiss Kevin gently on the lips before he moved back. “I always wanted children, yes. Have you?”

Kevin shrugged. “I never thought about it before you.”

Matt sighed, a smile stretching over his lips. “I keep falling more in love with you, every time you say something like that.” His hand smoothed itself over the side of Kevin’s face. “What do you want now?”

“Maybe,” Kevin moved his head so Matt got the hint and he resumed running his fingers through Kevin’s hair. “Maybe one child?”

Matt was trying hard to hide his excitement, but was failing miserably. “We can adopt.”

Kevin nodded, sighing and closing his eyes. “That sounds nice.” His back was hot from the lotion Matt had added again, and his eyes were heavy from exhaustion. Sleep beckoned. “If we have a boy,” he whispered. “We could name him Seth, if you want.”

Kevin only heard Matt say, “Thank you, Kevin,” because he fell asleep right after. He didn’t see the two small tears Matt let drop from his eyes to the pillow, or the way he moved forward and pressed a feather light kiss to Kevin’s forehead, before he put their foreheads together, and fell asleep right after him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> alright so, the stuff about seth and allison and andrew at the beginning i got from nora's extra content (much like i did for other backstories like from jean, and kevin's hand and matt's past. obviously i tweaked some stuff and you can all disagree or agree with what went on but yeah lmao) so yes, seth was apparently always planning to help the foxes, and allison, after she graduates apparently DOES do things like that, the trust fund, for the future foxes so i thought kevin mentioning it would be nice
> 
> i hope you all liked the way this chapter was done. basically nothing important happened lmao. it was meant to just be pure fluff. 
> 
> i know seth is an unpopular character, i wasnt a fan of him either, but its important to remember that he did effect people's lives. allison was his girlfriend and matt was, i always thought, badly shaken by the death (he had trouble walking into his dorm afterward. they were best friends after all) thats why i liked the exchange between him and kevin at the end
> 
> only two chapters left! wymacks wedding and the epilogue. thank you for the comments and the love. xx
> 
> (also for those of you who love andrew, i do very much like his character, but you have to remember its not neils pov anymore, so not everyone sees him the same way)


	21. husband

For the first time in a very long time, Kevin Day didn’t feel fear.

No anxiety.

Nothing in the back of his mind that told him, _sit down, shut up, no one cares._ There was no Riko, there was nothing at all. Complete, and utter silence.

He was standing up from his spot at the table, his glass of champagne in his hand. The restaurant was filled with the Foxes, Jean and Jeremy (invited for Kevin), Erik Klose, Betsy, and Abby’s immediate family. The adults had their own table while the Foxes and the three guests were together at their own table. The ceremony had been absolutely beautiful, Abby walking into the small church in a gorgeous white dress that was very _Abby_ , all simple elegance. Kevin had stood beside him on that altar, had watched her walk down, looked at Wymack’s eyes light up in pure joy and everything settled inside of Kevin.

He looked at Matt as he stood up there and knew it wasn’t going to be the last time he was at the altar.

“Hi everyone,” he said, smiling softly. “Thank you all for coming.” He cleared his throat, smiling around at them all, and looked down at Matt who was next to him. They smiled briefly at each other—Kevin taking in Matt’s impeccable look; he was wearing a pastel lavender suit, which looked absolutely breathtaking on him, while Kevin had opted for something more traditional to stand next to Wymack.

Matt winked at him, and Kevin smiled. When he turned his head back, he didn’t look around at the room. He spoke to them all, but he only looked at Wymack.

“You know, a wedding in this team is a very strange thing. Everyone here is in a relationship, but to have a marriage is something I think that shocked us all a little. People committing to a future, when only a year ago, half of us didn’t know if we even had a future.”

Nicky snorted. “Way to keep it light Kev,”

Kevin laughed softly, “I just mean, the two of you, you give us hope. You give _me_ hope. I remember the day I first met both of you, and I was afraid for my life, and running away, but you two gave me a reason to stay.” He kept his eyes on Wymack, staring at him hard. “David, you gave me a reason to stay, to live. The world is a scary place, I think we all know that. It forces us to learn things we always don’t want to learn, but the nice thing is, we all have someone. We have friends, teams, boyfriends, girlfriends, and parents to help us. I can’t imagine what my life would be like if I didn’t have the support system that I have, from everyone in this room. Abby, you keep this whole team together. You patch us up, you hold us tight, and you were my mother long before you married my father.”

Abby was emotional, but not surprised. She smiled tearfully at Kevin, and held Wymack’s hand hard. Wymack’s eyes were hard like his jaw, but his mouth was twitching, which meant he was trying not to get too emotional himself.

Kevin didn’t mind it anymore. When a tear fell from his eye, his voice didn’t shake. He was happy. “David Wymack,” he chuckled. “I’m sorry for a lot of things in my life. The lies, the pain I’ve caused, the fact that I inherited your stubbornness.” That got a chuckle from the room before he continued, “I’m sorry it took me so long to say these next words.” He shrugged, smiling lightly at him. “I love you.” David’s face went blank, and almost instantly his eyes welled up—and unlike Abby he did look surprised. “I’m not sorry for going to you on that day. You are the one thing I never doubted. Thank you, for being an amazing coach, a father to me even before you knew you were my father. Thank you for being the one to help bandage me up.” He raised his glass and his voice, “So everyone please raise your glass, to Abby and David, the best of us. I wish you both a lifetime of joy. I love you both.”

The room did as they were told, but not enthusiastically—everyone was watching Wymack, who looked like he was trying to process the biggest news ever. Kevin watched him, about to sit down and press a kiss to Matt’s lips, but paused when Wymack got up from his chair nosily and began to walk over to Kevin. Kevin walked around the table, smiling at him, a real smile, and put out his hand.

David Wymack ignored him. He took Kevin’s face in his hands, and leaned forward, pressing a soft kiss against Kevin’s forehead. It was the most paternal, loving thing Wymack had ever done. It was the most affection anyone would ever get from him. Finally, _finally,_ Wymack pulled him in for a hug, and Kevin hugged him back, his tears slipping, his smile ever growing. He felt the hard muscles of his father’s arms tighten around him and felt home.

In his ear, he heard, “I love you too.”

Everyone clapped, but Kevin didn’t hear them. Those words were playing over and over in his head. When they parted, David’s eyes were burning. Kevin knew he wouldn’t cry, this was enough emotional vulnerability for one night for David, but Kevin didn’t need him to cry. He had everything he wanted right now. They smiled at each other, father and son, two real smiles, before they laughed softly and parted from each other, going over to their seats.

Moments later everyone was digging into the main course meal, happy and light conversation coming over all of them. Jean and Jeremy were sitting across from Kevin and Matt, in the middle of the table. On Kevin’s other side was Nicky, with Erik next to him. Andrew and Neil were in front of them. On Matt’s side were Dan, Allison, Renee, Aaron and Katelyn. Kevin threw them a look, more than glad to see Aaron actually engaging in conversation with the girls. Katelyn made him a lot more bearable.

Andrew was even talking—to Erik of all people. They were speaking in German, about what, Kevin didn’t know, but Nicky looked over the moon. He wasn’t participating, and instead spoke to Neil quietly, leaning forward to speak to him about something else entirely, Kevin presumed. Either way, Kevin was glad for that too—Andrew and Aaron both communicating with people they normally wouldn’t have.

This was everything Kevin wanted.

“Hey,” Matt said, taking a sip of his water. “Are you okay?”

“Yes,” Kevin answered, kissing his cheek. “I am.” He left his hand on Matt’s thigh and leaned forward to Jeremy who was directly in front of him. “I’m so very glad you both came.”

Jeremy, grand as ever, slung an easy arm around the back of Jean’s chair. Jean cast a small look his way—their relationship was still not something defined out loud, to anyone including Kevin, but Kevin was patient.

“Of course we would come,” Jeremy smiled wide. “This is a celebration of love, I would not be anywhere else.”

“Besides,” Jean said quietly, “We are here to support a friend.” His eyes burned into Kevin, and Kevin’s heart, which was already bursting, just continued to expand and grow.

Jeremy’s expression matched Kevin’s feelings. “You know what I think?”

“No,” Jean admitted, “but I’m sure you will tell us with vigor.” Jean was _teasing_ Jeremy, and there was a familiar look of adoration between their gazes that Kevin recognized. He and Matt looked at each other like that.

Jeremy laughed and said, “We should vacation together this summer.” But he motioned to the entire table. “Something grand, and fantastic. I hate being alone during the holidays, and jean does not wish to return to France just yet—so why not?”

Matt shrugged. “I think that sounds fun,” he agreed, leaning forward and fist bumping Jeremy. Mimicking him, Matt slung his arm around Kevin’s chair, and Kevin leaned into him, taking a break from his food and instead grabbing his drink. “Where would we go?”

Allison, having heard, leaned across the table, her eyes alive. “Everywhere.” She looked at Jeremy, almost a dare in her eyes. “I’m assuming that invitation was an open one?”

“Oui, oui, cherie,” he looked at Jean who chuckled and waved his hand in approval. “I’ve been practicing my French. Well this is wonderful, isn’t it?” he exclaimed happily.

Allison readily agreed. “I have vacation homes.”

He leaned past Jean and was as animated as ever. “Tell me where we are going.” Which was all the consent Allison would obviously need. They began to talk quickly of all the different places they could go; nothing with a car involved, as they were too many people, but anything that would give them rest and relaxation.

Jean didn’t speak but was looking at Jeremy like a man in love. Kevin looked away and left Jean’s private moment to himself. Instead, he looked at Andrew.

“You will come with us, right?” he asked, hope etched deep into every one of his words. He knew it was plain as day, but he didn’t care anymore. Maybe they hadn’t been friends before, but that didn’t mean that they couldn’t be.

Andrew stared at him for a long moment, but Kevin didn’t look away. He never did, not with Andrew. “Do you want me there?” he asked, and it was said in no different way than usual, no hint of real emotion in it—because Kevin was not Neil, but Kevin held on to that sentence anyhow. Andrew could have just said no. Andrew _would_ have normally just said no. instead he asked what Kevin wanted.

Kevin nodded. “I always want you there, Andrew.” He meant it too—he did. He wanted them to get better.

Andrew nodded. “Neil?”

Neil, who had thought of the Foxes as his family for a long time now nodded. “I’m down.”

Kevin sighed in relief and leaned back into his chair, this time, redirecting his attention towards Matt. Matt popped a piece of chicken into his mouth, one arm still around Kevin, his face relaxed, his eyes looking over the people around him, taking everything in around him but choosing to observe.

Kevin tapped his shoulder. “Did you know,” he said to Matt, “I love you very much.”

Matt looked back at him, in mid chew. “Yeah?” he asked, a little bit of chicken spitting out his mouth. “Whoops, sorry…”

“Nice Matt, very attractive.”

Matt swallowed. “You know me baby, I’m all about being suave and smooth.”

“Jesus, never say that again.” Kevin laughed, dabbing his cheek with the napkin. “I can’t believe you spit on my face.”

“Oh, don’t be like that. I’ve done a lot worse on your face—”

“ _Matt_ ,” he laughed, _and it sang, sang, sang in his_ blood, squeezing his thigh. “You want to know a secret?”

Matt snapped his fingers together, his eyes widening. “You secretly like the fast and the furious movies.”

“God, no,” Perish the thought. Kevin couldn’t stand those movies, but he had done the polite boyfriend thing to do and sat through every single one of them with Matt.

“Oh come on!” Matt shook his head. He looked around the table, waving his hand at Neil. “Neil, hey, buddy, come on back me up. How good is fast and the furious?”

Neil cracked a smile, and sent a significant look to Andrew—they had this conversation before, which Kevin could only assume was a hilarious conversation. “It’s unrealistic.”

“That’s not what I asked you bro, come on.”

“ _Bro_?”

“Oh, the world is against me.” Matt put his head in his hands dramatically.

“No, no,” Neil said. “They were fun to watch, even though they’re ridiculous.”

“Gee, Neil, thanks,”

Allison and Dan said at the same time, “Paul Walker is hot.”

Nicky grinned. “Hear, hear,”

“I’m a lone wolf.” Matt groaned.

Jeremy leaned forward and winked at him. “I think those movies are _awesome_ ,”

“Yes!” Matt laughed, and they high fived, before Matt turned to Kevin and kissed his cheek roughly. “You see, you little shit? People besides me like those movies.”

Kevin’s cheek burned, Kevin was so full of love. Everyone was talking to each other, and laughing, and he had Matt, and God, he could just set the world on fire right now. “For reasons beyond my fucking knowledge.”

“Anyway, whatever, but you’re going to watch those movies with me until we’re dead and six feet under, so…” he waved his hand in dismissal. “We were wildly off track, what did you want to tell me?”

Kevin was unembarrassed to say it. “Well, you just kind of said it.” He brought his hand up and put it against Matt’s cheek.

Matt’s eyes softened, his mouth twisting into a curious smile. “I don’t understand.”

“The sense of forever. Being with you until death. I was just going to tell you that I want that, and whenever you’re ready, I’m ready.” That was something brave of him to say, but nothing in him regretted it. Kevin Day was okay, and this was him showing Matt that. He did want Matt, for as long as Matt would have him, and he didn’t want to even think of how it would be without him. There was only this, the two of them, together.

Matt’s smile widened, and he leaned forward, his lips close to Kevin’s but not touching. Their noses brushed against each other. “Why Kevin Day, are you proposing?”

“Only kind of. Are you accepting?”

“Only kind of.” Matt whispered.

“Well that’s good enough for me.” He answered, leaning in for a kiss.

 

* * *

 

Kevin was thirty seconds from falling asleep when there was a knock on the hotel room door. Matt groaned and tried to get up but failed.

“Baby,” he moaned into the pillow. “Jesus, I can’t…”

Kevin sighed, exhaustion pulling at him. “Seriously?” he mumbled. “Matt come on I can’t feel my legs.”

“You’re welcome.” Matt laughed when Kevin slapped him playfully. Matt had taken his sweet time with Kevin when they had gotten back to the hotel room, drawing out every moan, plead, and beg. Kevin had allowed Matt to tie his wrists to the bed, which made Kevin slip into the subspace he liked fairly quickly when he urged Matt to go as hard and fast as he wanted. Matt always knew just how far to go, and he still would praise Kevin, telling him how good he was, making Kevin remember that he was being handled by someone who would always love him.

“I hate you.”

“Liar.”

Kevin groaned loudly and pinched Matt’s side, and he only laughed in response. Kevin stumbled towards the hotel room door, looking down to make sure he had boxers on. When he confirmed that he did he opened the door, blinking rapidly from the surge of light that greeted him.

“Jean?” he asked, rubbing his eyes. “Are you alright?”

“Yes,” his eyes were on fire, he wasn’t smiling, but there was a suggestion as though he wanted to. “I have to tell you something.”

“It couldn’t wait until the morning?”

“I can’t sleep,” Jean said quickly. “Kevin, please, I need to tell you.”

“Okay, well, come in—”

Jean shook his head. “No, here’s fine.”

“Oh, alright—”

“I’m with Jeremy.” He breathed, and Kevin could physically see the tension leave Jean’s shoulders when he spoke. His expression was softer than it had been when he had arrived.

Kevin didn’t tell Jean that he had figured, he didn’t tell Jean that he had already pieced together the whole thing. He didn’t tell him because Kevin knew how good it felt to give yourself away to someone, and how good it was to confide in a friend. So he let Jean have his moment, and just smiled. He was honoured to be told by him regardless of any of that.

“Jean, that’s wonderful news.”

“Really?” Jean asked, his expression identical to how Kevin used to feel—when he and Matt were starting slow, when he began to tell his friends. “Do you think so?” Hope, mixed with his insecurities were clear on his face, but Kevin was grateful to see that hope seemed to outshine the anxiety he was feeling.

“Of course. Jeremy is spectacular.”

Jean smiled, a tiny, small thing that Kevin was certain he did not give away so freely. “I’ve told him, everything. We haven’t done anything—”

“Jean you don’t have to tell me, if you don’t want to.”

“I do want to,” he said quickly. “I want to Kevin. I miss you. I miss my friend.”

Kevin missed Jean more than he could ever say. He was glad Jean had finally said the same, that they could, after all this time, tell each other these things and not be afraid of any repercussions. “Compromise then?” Kevin asked, patting Jean on the shoulder affectionately. “Tell me in the morning. We can have breakfast, and I can listen properly.”

Jean nodded. “Okay, yes, thank you.” he struggled, looking like he wanted something more—maybe an embrace, but Kevin knew how that felt too. He wanted Jean to get to that on his own, to take his time with this friendship in the same way Jean was taking his time with his boyfriend. So instead, Jean lifted his hand and set it on Kevin’s, and their fingers twined, squeezing together. “Goodnight, my friend.”

“Goodnight Jean.”

Kevin closed the door with a chuckle and walked over to his bed, collapsing next to Matt and curling up inside of Matt’s arms. Against his body, he murmured, “Thank you.”

“For what?” he asked tiredly.

“For being my sun.”

Matt made a pleasant sound in the back of his throat, and when he spoke, Kevin could practically _hear_ him smiling. “You mean sun as in the solar sun, right? This isn’t a weird kink or something where you all me your son.”

Kevin snorted. “Do you just talk to make noise?”

“No but it’s almost two in the morning, so I can’t really put together a well formed sentence.”

“I’m serious Matt,” Kevin murmured against Matt’s skin. He pressed his lips softly to Matt’s chest. “You lit up my world. You set it on fire.” Kevin was still burning from the contact, but it was a pleasant fire, one that would never stop burning.

“You’re romantic at two in the morning.”

“I can afford to be romantic now.” Kevin reminded him. “You gave me a reason.”

“No,” Matt disagreed quietly, tiredly. Kevin felt the brush of his lips over his hair. “You gave yourself a reason. I just kind of walked with you, but everything you did, you did because you chose to do it.”

“Whatever,” Kevin chuckled. “Thank you anyway.”

“Thank you for letting me walk with you.” Matt said. “It’s been insane, hasn’t it? Everything that’s happened. I mean, look, you and I are half naked in a bed together, and all I can think to myself is, _I can’t wait to marry him_.”

Kevin pulled back so he could find Matt’s lips in the dark. When he did, it was a beautiful kiss, a promise of forever. Kevin’s body, though tired, responded anyhow. They pressed harder against each other, that future hanging before them enough to get them both ready and excited again.

“Can we get a dog?” Matt breathed into the kiss.

Kevin laughed into the kiss—and he thought that was beautiful too, to laugh into a kiss. “Sure,” Kevin murmured. “We could raise a kid in the city.”

Matt’s grip on Kevin’s hips tightened, and he pushed their groins together. “Is it weird that it’s turning me on to hear you talk about this stuff?” he bit Kevin’s bottom lip, and Kevin gasped.

“I think it’s romantic.”

“That or I can’t function properly at two in the morning.”

“I’ll take either.”

Matt kissed Kevin’s neck, sucking a bruise into the skin. “Do you want to?”

“I always want to.” Kevin’s eyes fluttered shut from the pleasure.

“It’s late though, are you sure?”

“Yeah, totally. I want to make love to my future husband.”

“God, that word,” Matt moaned into Kevin’s mouth, pressing his hips down. “I love you.”

Kevin nodded frantically, wrapping his arms around Matt’s neck, whispering against his lips. “You are my heart.”

Matt paused, and instead of kissing him, Matt wrapped his entire body around Kevin, hugging him tightly. Kevin responded eagerly, the weight on him, pressing him down, the feeling of safeness putting him in a wonderful mental state. “You are my heart too.” Matt told him.

Matt undid him for a second time that night, the two of them, once again, finding home within each other. That’s where Kevin was. It didn’t matter that he was in a hotel room, it didn’t make a difference.

He was with Matt.

He was home.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope you all liked this chapter of fluff once again. i really enjoyed it--everyone just talking about vacation at the dinner table was my favourite. 
> 
> so this chapter was a small parallel. wehn kevin broke his hand, it was at the winter banquet and he showed up at david's hotel room. in this chapter, david and abby have a wedding during winter break, and jean, who is pulling his life together like kevin finally has, has shown up at kevins hotel room
> 
> thank you all for the comments. this has been such an incredible fic for me, and the response is more than i ever thought it would be. we have on chapter left everyone. x


	22. the epilogue

Kevin Day could feel his hand.

He rolled over in his bed, stretching out his body, smiling next to his husband. Matt Boyd slept next to him, his mouth hanging open, his face unshaven. His hair was a wild mess from Kevin’s hands and turning in the bed. They were up late last night, Matt wanting to ring in Kevin’s birthday exactly at midnight, making love to him best he could. Kevin marveled at the fact that after ten years together, Matt could still take him apart like it was their first time. Every moan was something sacred to Matt, he tucked it away in his heart, the same way Kevin tucked away the feeling of Matt’s fingers pressed against his ribcage, or his hips, or when Matt’s hand slid up over Kevin’s heart and left it there when he orgasmed.

He did that every time.

It was Kevin’s favourite part.

Kevin lifted his left hand and raised it, overlooking the pale scars that would forever remind him of his past. Except now he could look at it without flinching, now he could look at it without fear. He no longer heard Riko’s voice in his head, he no longer flinched when someone got too mad, or when he got hurt. He never traced the number two on his skin.

Kevin smiled softly and turned over in the bed to reach for his phone. There was enough light coming in through the window that he didn’t need to turn on the light. As his phone turned on, almost immediately there were messages that came through. Every one of his team members from his professional court team wished him a happy birthday, but he didn’t care very much about those. He scrolled to the ones that mattered to him.

**_Dan_ ** _: Happy bday Kevin! Have a great day!_

**_Renee_ ** _: Happy birthday Kevin. I hope you spend your day filled with love. Say hello to Matt and Seth for me._

**_Aaron_ ** _: Happy birthday man. Have a good one._

**_Allison_ ** _: Happy bday love. I’m going to Facetime you later for a proper hello. Your present is arriving today in the mail. You’re welcome. x_

**_Neil_ ** _: Andrew and I say happy birthday. We’re going to come down and see you this weekend. Nicky is setting it up._

**_Nicky_ ** _: KEVVVVVV!!!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY BABE!! Okay so by the way, Erik and I are coming down to celebrate it with you this weekend, and I told Andrew and Neil, and I’m going to call everyone else today to see if they can make it. AND YES WE ARE EATING CAKE GET OVER IT! Erik says hello, give my godson a kiss, say hi to Matt. LOVE YOU! xox_

**_Wymack:_ ** _Hey kid, happy birthday. I tried calling you but your phone was off. Abby sends her love. We’re going to come down tomorrow to see you. Thought a family birthday should be in order. Nicky has something ridiculous planned, so we wanted time alone with you and my grandson before things get hellish. Love you._

**_Jeremy + Jean from Kevin’s group chat_ ** _: HAPPY BIRTHDAY KEVIN!! HAVE A LOVELY DAY!!_

**_Jean_ ** _: Happy birthday my friend, I hope to see you soon. I will call you later, whenever Jeremy decides he’s had enough touring my home town._

**_Jeremy_ ** _: hey, I’ve never been to France, let me have my fun._

**_Jean_ ** _: well, you didn’t have to send him five selfies of us in any case._

**_Jeremy_ ** _: they were happy birthday selfies!!!_

Kevin chuckled and put his phone back on the bedside table, before he turned over in his bed, about to kiss Matt good morning until the door was suddenly thrown open roughly. Matt jolted awake and his forehead hit Kevin’s nose. Kevin swore from the impact, rolling over in the bed, groaning as Matt did the same, rubbing his forehead.

Kevin snapped, “You idiot!”

Matt, groggily asked through half opened eyes, “Wasgoinon?”

Kevin looked over at the door as Matt looked over him and their son walked in, twelve years old already, adopted four years ago by Matt and Kevin. He was a young Japanese boy, with short dark hair and brown eyes. His name was Seth, after having chosen to change it when he quietly but bravely informed his parents that he could no longer use his birth given name, as he was not a girl. Matt and Kevin had of course, been unfailing in their support and love. Matt had been touched beyond reason when Seth chose his own name, assuring Matt that he actually _did_ really love the name, as it sounded pretty, but all three of them knew he was also choosing that name a little for Matt, which was nice anyhow.

Seth had walked in with a tray, carefully balancing food on it. Seth’s cooking skills were nothing to brag about, being a twelve year old, so he had simply toasted some bread and made peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. He was still in his pajamas—a star wars shirt and boxers, and his hair was as messy as his father’s beside him.

“Happy birthday father!” he exclaimed in Japanese. As Seth was attending an English school, his English was as fluent as his mother tongue, but around the house he preferred to speak Japanese, especially since he was adopted by parents who were fluent in it themselves. Matt had improved immensely within the first two years of learning it. Kevin couldn’t say the same about his boxing, as he much preferred Exy, and mounted it up to the fact that the reason why Matt always beat him at boxing was because he was bigger and physically stronger. Kevin had to hand it to himself though, he was really fast, and had gotten better at ducking.

Kevin checked his hands to see if his nose was bleeding, and when it wasn’t he smiled and slapped Matt on the stomach. “Wake up.”

Matt grunted and sat up in bed, scratching his stomach. “God, what time is it?” he mumbled. “Oh, coffee, thank you Seth.” He helped Seth with the tray, setting it on the middle of the bed, smiling tenderly at his son who climbed on top to join them, settling right in the middle of them both.

Seth kissed Kevin on the cheek. “Happy birthday,” he said again.

“Thank you,” he kissed the top of his sons head.

“Oh right,” Matt grinned toothily with a mouth full of bread. “Happy birthday babe,” he leaned forward and kissed Kevin on the lips.

“Ew,” Seth waved his hands. “I don’t want to see that.”

“Hey,” Matt wagged his finger at Seth in mock discipline. “You should be glad that your fathers are still in love.”

“Believe me,” Seth grabbed his glass of milk and took a sip before returning to his sandwich. “I _hear_ just how much you love each other.”

Matt laughed loudly while Kevin sent him a glare. “Idiot,” he barked. “I told you to be quiet!”

“I thought we already discussed that you’re the loud one—”

“Matt!”

Seth was unfazed. His father’s hid very little from him, as both had decided that to raise a child had to be done with truth about all things. They already discussed sex with him, as well as many other topics that most adults would have shamed them for doing. The thing was, Matt and Kevin were, and always would be Foxes, and they knew that there were many things a child should know about the world in order to get through it in one piece. It left the three of them with a very healthy and open relationship.

Seth patted Kevin’s leg. “What do you want to do today?”

Matt answered, “No training today, don’t even bother arguing.”

Kevin rolled his eyes. “It’s my birthday. Shouldn’t I get a say in what I want to do?”

“No,” Matt and Seth answered together.

“Fine, well, nothing too big today. We’re going to have company all week, did you know that?” he asked Matt.

Matt grinned. “Who do you think gave Nicky the idea? We miss them and they miss you and we’re all scattered, so it’s the perfect occasion to get together.”

“You know I hate surprises.”

“Liar,”

Seth was taken at Nicky’s name. “Uncle Nicky is coming down?” he asked excitedly. “Yes, oh finally. I have some video games I want to play with him.” Seth had become very close to Nicky, Allison, Wymack and Dan—basically latching on to all the same people that their fathers were close with. Allison’s expression upon hearing Seth’s chosen name was as heartbreaking as they all expected it to be, but more than anything it had strengthened the bond between Allison and Seth. Allison was the one who had cut Seth’s hair, and was fiercely protective of him in the same way she was of her own children with Dan and Renee.

“Not just Nicky,” Kevin said, ripping off the crust of his bread, handing it to Seth who ate it eagerly. “All of them. It’s going to be a full house.”

“Do you think Uncle Neil and Uncle Andrew are going to bring the cats?”

“I hope so,” Matt mumbled. “Bandit is hilarious with the cats. I’ve never seen a dog love two cats more than—hey, speak of the little devil!”

Little was an understatement. A massive German Shepherd walked in, the dog Matt had named Bandit, and jumped onto the bed, curling up and resting his head on Matt’s leg.

“So?” Seth asked again, looking at Kevin. “What do you want to do today dad?”

“You know what I want?” Kevin said seriously. “Nothing. I want to do nothing. I want to order some Greek food for lunch and have Matt make us something really good for dinner—”

Matt grinned. “Already had that part planned, babe.”

“I want to watch game of thrones with you both all day, and continue reading Harry Potter with you,” he ruffled Seth’s hair. “That’s all I want. Nicky, Allison, Jean and Wymack all want to call today, so I don’t want to miss their calls anyhow.”

“Anything you want,” Matt promised, leaning over to kiss him again. “I’ll just go out and buy some ice cream after. We’re all out.”

“Cookie dough.” Seth suggested.

“Yes sir.”

Seth took the conversation into his own hands, talking in length about game of thrones, and the part they were at, and how much he loved the Starks. Matt spoke about it with him, a fan of Jamie Lannister himself and the Starks, he was often torn. Kevin watched them, choosing to be quiet and observe them instead, as he sometimes tended to do when he felt very thankful for his life.

He was sitting in bed, with his son, his husband, and his dog. He had a massive loft on the Upper East Side of New York City. He and Matt played for the same Exy team, that Matt captained (a decision Kevin supported—he still had very little patience for anyone less than perfect on the court. Most arguments he and Matt had were on there, and resolved later in the house).

Kevin had mended every fractured or broken relationship in his life.

He was loved.

He had a family, a true family.

Bandit was barking and wagging his tail.

Seth Boyd-Day was talking adamantly.

Matt Boyd had his gorgeous head thrown back in laughter.

And Kevin Day, could feel his hand.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so, here we are, at the end.
> 
> this story meant more to me than any other fic ive written, or attempted to write. thank you so much to all of you who have liked it, commented it on it, found me on tumblr to talk about it. it means so freaking much to me, you have no idea. ive loved reading every bit of it. the journey has been incredible. 
> 
> i hope you liked how it wrapped up. i think they deserve every bit of this good life together. 
> 
> in case you want to talk to me some more, you can find me on   
> tumblr: juliansalec  
> twitter: mycoveriscas
> 
> also, if you liked my fic, and like my writing style. i do have a published ebook (it is of course lgbt) and you can purchase it here: http://amzn.to/2sWydX5
> 
> thank you all so much again, i have so much love for all of you. 
> 
> xxx


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